Need help for tomorrow...

[Relentless]

Not sure if this is the right place. My ex has given my silent treatment for 3.5 weeks. Her dad is coming to get the last of things.

He said we would talk... . He said my ex asked him to stop communicating etc... . Hadn't heard from him for several days. This was the last bit:

Me: Ok. Thanks. I don't know why you seem to hate me, but I really did not do anything. And I am sorry that I got emotional... . I was going through a lot. I wish I knew what I should have done to make things at least amicable. I really tried to. Very sorry (name)

I hope you have a good day. I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do to make things better one day, I'd appreciate any advice/guidance. I'm truly confused as to how it got to this and would do anything to figure out how to resolve it. I'm moving on, but feel so lost about it. I just don't get it. I put up with so much and she promised over and over she would get help one day. She made me promise to never go away because she needed me. And now I'm lost. I believed her. I only persisted because of the promises I made to her. She told me to never give up on her no matter what, even if she pushed me away. I'm just trying to figure out what that means.

He then said, we will talk tomorrow... .

I'm soo nervous.

[Relentless]

I'm just worried I messed things up. He and I had a decent relationship before all this. Idk if I said too much or what.

[Eric1]

Why did you break up?

[Relentless]

She thinks I was cheating cuz she found a pic of a girl in a swimsuit in my email. It was just a pic of a swimsuit I was going to buy her. It was nothing. But she is convinced... .

We got into a fight after, silent treatment for 3.5 weeks now.

[Scout99]

Hi! Relentless!

I am sorry for the pain you are going through right now... .

Just stopping by to let you know that we are here for you, and you are not alone in this!

Please let us know how things go tomorrow when you are talking to her Father!

(If you get a good connection with him, maybe you can show him the picture in question, if that would perhaps help him to open up to a different perspective of the events... . )

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Relentless]

So her dad came to get the last of her stuff. Turns out she recorded me yelling at her. I had been pushed and pushed and in 5 months of abuse I yelled 2x. She snapped on me countless. So he was convinced I treated her like that... I told him that was the exception and that she had been pushing me to that over 5 months.

She told him I took pictures of her without her permission etc. she did not find any pictures when I gave her my phone. I don't know if she told her dad I sent them to someone as she accused me of that night.

Anyways... . Funny, her dad told me he believed I needed help, and that I had the potential to be one of the best, most too notch guys out there.

He also kept saying that she will probably never talk to me again (he threw in a few times though that things change with time and life is interesting and she could change her mind in two weeks, two months, two years). He said she is soo mad at me, and she said she just wants to close the door on it and be done.

He admitted knowing she needs help though. But because of the recording I am framed as an ass, and I'm not. I admit losing control and saying hurtful things that night and ONE other time... . But felt true in the moment.

I wonder if that anger fades over time. The anger was mentioned a lot. Even if I had taken pics... . Was it THAT bad?

[Scout99]

No it was not THAT bad... .

It is the kind of stuff most lovers do, in a loving way, being in love and having fun with each other... . After all, IF you took those pictures, then my guess is you did not do that with any malicious intent, right?

Fathers are fathers, and their relationships with their daughters will always be very special, even if the daughter in question has mental health issues... . It would take a lot from a Dad to turn on his little girl... . It's only human, really... . But still I think you got a bit of validation from him still, in him admitting he thought she needed help and in stating that you after all, (at least if you hadn't yelled at his little girl, no matter how justified it was at the time from being pushed to the limit for five! months... . ), had the potential of being a top notch kind of guy!

Choose to hear that, and let go of the rest... .

In a way it sounds reassuring from an outside perspective that she is mad and hopefully mad enough to stay away from you life in the future... . You deserve one h*ll of a lot more, my friend! So just hang in there now, keep posting and keep in touch and let the healing begin... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Relentless]

Thanks Scout!

He said he still thinks I have that potential. He thinks I have control issues and I need help. Well I certainly could use help now!

And I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. But if there is true love... . Would this have happened?

I wonder if this super rage will ever subside and she will miss me... .

[Scout99]

Thanks Scout!

He said he still thinks I have that potential. He thinks I have control issues and I need help. Well I certainly could use help now!

And I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. But if there is true love... . Would this have happened?

I wonder if this super rage will ever subside and she will miss me... .

Well there ain't much you can do about what he may or may not think... . But would you say it is a fair description of you that you have "control issues"?

I'd say we all try to get control and desperately need to do so too at times. But I don't think that is a fair description of you at all!

About needing help... . Do you have someone you can talk to about all of this? Or have you ever thought of seeing a therapist to help you deal with all the things that is going on in you in the aftermath of this turbulent time?

On whether or not her rage will subside and or if she will then miss you - it is of course very hard to guess... . The rage will hopefully, for her at least, subside... . But if she is the kind that just moves on to the next plant or if she is the kind that harbors remorse, is hard to know... .

From my own experience with my ex BPD bf, he often talked about his ex in the beginning with me and had moments of true remorse and sadness about loosing her and of "falling off the track" as he called his being unfaithful to her... . However the remorse was also about feeling sorry for himself and part of his abandonment fears... . His backpack of shame, guilt and bad experiences if you will that validated the fact that he indeed always would be left and abandoned in the end... . (violins)... .

I belong to the people that do believe that most borderlines are honest with what they feel and the feelings they express, but the overwhelming overload of it from the disorder makes them loose grip on reality at times... .

It is my reflection though seen through the light of also having had the (unluck), of living in a relationship with a man with NPD, which was far worse than anything my BPD guy was ever capable of... . There one could really see a coldness and a calculating streak, complete lack of empathy and at the same time a flawless facade in social settings... . Not at all the emotional chaos displayed in a pwBPD... . So if you want my opinion, I don't know of course, but I will not hold it for impossible that your girl will in the future feel strings of remorse and probably also missing the good times that she felt you had... . Probably not in the same way as you, and probably not for the same reasons... . But still... .

You too will be able to think about this whole mess of an ending with more forgiveness and much less pain once you get yourself through your healing process, and have gained enough insight and perspective on what you have been through... . It just takes time... .  

Best Wishes

Scout99

[VeryFree]

Hi Relentless,

Don't care too much about what her friends/family think or say about you.

You know the truth. Your real friend know the truth. You can't change the way people that do not know you think. You only can change the way you think about their thoughts.

And about your gf father: I agree with Scout. There is a special bond between fathers and daughters. My x-FIL together with my X-MIL have destroyed the life of my x. They are the reason for her illness. Yet my x clings on to her dad and let him influence her very bad.

He didn't like me: I tried to extract her from his negative influence.

The last time I spoke to him, he told me I'm a sick soab, that should be very ashamed about himself for torturing his daughter for a decade.

Although I got very mad, I smiled at him and asked him very friendly if he had any idea how the illnesses of his daughter and his behaviour during her youth correlated. 

[Relentless]

Thanks to both responses. He told me he thinks with help I could be one of the best top notch guys out there... . I already am... . But always room to improve. I'm far from perfect. But I'm 31 and I've learned a lot from my mistakes and have made great effort to be a better person most days than most yesterdays.

I hope she does try to come back. Don't know what I will do. But it will selfishly validate just how loving I was to her. Ya. I messed up. I made mistakes. But none worse than your average boyfriend.

I really do hope she tries to come back. Doubt I would take her back... . But it would be nice to know she really did love me and that this unwarranted rage took over.

[VeryFree]

Sorry, but with a BPD coming back doesn't mean they love you or did love you. It means they need you at that moment.

Do you really want her to come back for that reason? Know that you are needed to fill a void?

If so, why do you feel that way? What is the lesson in this?

[momtara]

You are blaming yourself even though you are not to blame.  Everyone is allowed to have little mistakes and misunderstandings in a normal relationship.  She would have found something else to leave over, if not the swimsuit or possible pictures.  Try not to blame yourself.

Her dad will figure out one day that she has BPD.  Maybe he knows, on some level.  He has to.