Anger in Public

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am not even sure if I should remain here in undecided because when I joined this a few months ago it was after a episode where divorce was brought up seriously and I had just finally figured out he had BPD.

Now months later after much study, some books, etc I find I am changing and he a little.  I no longer think of leaving as I can't afford to be on my own and I still care about my husband.

Issue in question at gas station yesterday we wait until $1 savings in gas at Safeway then bring both cars to fill up, (or we did until they just put $75 limit on it, saw that yesterday) my husband told me to back up to pump and not understanding I started to back up to wrong one and he is yelling at me, his car is a convertible so all others in area are hearing. I am embarrassed and angry.

I finally got parked in correct one, sat in car thinking about it, sad that he can't control himself.  Thinking about whether to say something or not, what would help.  Getting angry back which I did before I knew what he had escalated things, but now I try to calm myself down.

So I got out of car while he was pumping his gas and said, yelling at me for no reason in public is unacceptable and behavior of a child.  Then and this is first for me, I hugged him and told him I love you and hope you can understand this some day.

He just looked ashamed.  Later on in the day asked me how I can stand to stay with him.  I said I know you have problems and hope you decide to work through them. (He is refusing counseling or meds at this point)

I know I have issues myself and are trying to work on them.

I have read many people who are trying like me to set boundaries have a problem in public whether its something like yesterday or out to dinner, friends, traveling, etc.

Part of me gets nervous before trips, we have one planned in Sept, part of me is excited to see our kids and drive to other states, the other part hoping things go ok in the car.

Last trip went fine until on the way home he raged about some thing he felt he was wronged about, demanded I stop car and he got out.  We were about 5 hours from home.  The part of me that reacted to his anger thought I should just leave him and drive home….but the rational side won of course and after giving him time to calm down I found him and picked him up and we were silent all the way home.

Wondering if anyone has tips on dealing with BPD in public and during trips.

[nodoover]

I am not even sure if I should remain here in undecided because when I joined this a few months ago it was after a episode where divorce was brought up seriously and I had just finally figured out he had BPD.

Now months later after much study, some books, etc I find I am changing and he a little.  I no longer think of leaving as I can't afford to be on my own and I still care about my husband.

Issue in question at gas station yesterday we wait until $1 savings in gas at Safeway then bring both cars to fill up, (or we did until they just put $75 limit on it, saw that yesterday) my husband told me to back up to pump and not understanding I started to back up to wrong one and he is yelling at me, his car is a convertible so all others in area are hearing. I am embarrassed and angry.

I finally got parked in correct one, sat in car thinking about it, sad that he can't control himself.  Thinking about whether to say something or not, what would help.  Getting angry back which I did before I knew what he had escalated things, but now I try to calm myself down.

So I got out of car while he was pumping his gas and said, yelling at me for no reason in public is unacceptable and behavior of a child.  Then and this is first for me, I hugged him and told him I love you and hope you can understand this some day.

He just looked ashamed.  Later on in the day asked me how I can stand to stay with him.  I said I know you have problems and hope you decide to work through them. (He is refusing counseling or meds at this point)

I know I have issues myself and are trying to work on them.

I have read many people who are trying like me to set boundaries have a problem in public whether its something like yesterday or out to dinner, friends, traveling, etc.

Part of me gets nervous before trips, we have one planned in Sept, part of me is excited to see our kids and drive to other states, the other part hoping things go ok in the car.

Last trip went fine until on the way home he raged about some thing he felt he was wronged about, demanded I stop car and he got out.  We were about 5 hours from home.  The part of me that reacted to his anger thought I should just leave him and drive home….but the rational side won of course and after giving him time to calm down I found him and picked him up and we were silent all the way home.

Wondering if anyone has tips on dealing with BPD in public and during trips.

[Clearmind]

Yelling at you any time is unacceptable.

A boundary needs to be established. When he has calmed down is it possible to have a talk with him about respect and what you will and won't accept. There needs to be consequences to his behavior - walk away, make your own way home, cool off somewhere.

Importantly you need to follow through

[Vindi]

i agree, boundaries need to be enforced, walk away, let him be alone and let things cool off, he has no right to yell at you in public.

Set these boundaries and stick with them, and hopefully he will realize how his behavior is affecting you.

[nodoover]

If we were in one car I would do that, he always does things when I can't walk away or feel its hard to thats why I asked for tips about travel.

That day we were in two cars and i was the one who asked him to go with me and take his car also, if i left it would just hurt me by having to pay more for the gas later.

I agree about the need to set boundaries and that is why i told him it was unacceptable behavior. 

I have no idea what consequence I could give to him.  Am I suppose to punish him like a child?

[maryy16]

I don't have much advice, but I do have the same problem as you with my H raging in public, at places where it is impossible to just walk away, so I an anxious to see what others can advise for situations like this.  I can so relate to your story... . my H would have yelled at me too for backing up to the wrong pump. 

I have tried talking to him when he is calm and at that time he gets that his behavior is unacceptable, but once he gets angry there is no reasoning with him. He yells at me in public because he wants everyone else to know just how stupid, retarded, moronic, idiotic I am for doing all the bad things that I do. Boundaries don't work in these situations because there really is nothing I can do... . I can't leave and I can't calm him down. 

Sometimes I can defuse the situation before it starts if I see him starting the downward spiral by saying silent as to not give him ammunition to rage, but so many times it comes on so quickly that it catches me off guard.

[Clearmind]

I agree you cannot leave him with two cars. A simple ":)o not talk to me like that" then when car is filled take some time out for you "I will talk to you later about this when you have calmed down, I am taking some time out".

A conversation needs to be had once he has calmed down and you have calmed down.

[nodoover]

The problem is once he calms down and realizes how he acted then he goes into depression, ashamed I am the worst of the earth mode and its hard to talk to someone who is basically saying they are not worth being here!

[Theo41]

Holy cow do I relate to this post. I think they pick us out because we have a personality type that hates conflict and will do almost anything to avoid it and or appease them. My wife dis regulates frequently now, but she has done it less frequently for decades. It's almost always the worst timing. In a car on a trip, company or the children  are coming over or in the house. It's usually an affront real or imagined, but whatever triggers it I'm sure she needs to let off a lot of emotional energy and I am the lightening rod. She has little if any control of it  and I have none. She is a force of nature like a tornado. My defenses: historically I get numb and or start raging at her. New ways of coping include: validating her feelings ( I understand that you thought I left the house without cash just to get you upset. I would be upset too if I thought u did that to me; but the truth is I just forgot the money and I'll get some from the next ATM machine". And I get very quiet: I don't do anything, just stand there. I have left but it's very hard to do: she fears of abandonment , has run after me barefoot, thrown herself on the hood of my car,etc. The next time she embarrasses me infront of company I plan to say: Kate, ( not her real name)  you have no reason to talk that way to me and it's inappropriate, we will discuss it after the company leaves. Hope some of that helps. It's good to know a) we really really have no control over them, and b) we are not alone anymore (I was for years). THEO