pressure to get married

[Seppe]

My better half is putting on the hard press for us to get married, but I am not ready to make that commitment. From her perspective it's the "one thing" that she asks of me. From my perspective there are a lot of "one things" in our relationship. 

My reluctance to get married translates into her not being able to rely on me being there in the future which cavalcades into a host of other problems. For example, I can't accompany her to work/community events because she doesn't want to have to undergo the scrutiny of others if we break up; then she screams at me until 2:00 a.m. because she "HAD TO go alone."  Because she won't let me go with her, I don't "support her life" and, if I loved her, I wouldn't "make her feel this way."

Does anyone have advice as to how I can maintain my boundary of not committing to marriage without it feeding her fear that I am going to leave her?  The "I totally understand how you feel" defense is starting to lose its effect.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blaise]

My dBPDexGF told me to give her a sign of committment towards the r/s or she would leave. She was in fact not confortable with the fact that I had not yet divorced from my wife. I told her that I was not ready yet ... . and she left.

I understood later, from one of our post breakup conversation, that she was not interested in being with me, but in being married with me. And I also relaized that whatever I could give her, i.e. divorcing from my wife and marrying her, would not have been enough for her to feel safe or reassured.

I think you should look at this from the other end and rather ask yourself why you are not ready to make the committment to marriage. I was faced directly with this question when my dBPDexGF set me the ultimatum. I realized that she was immature, depressed, angry, etc. and this was not what I expected from a r/s.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Seppe,



You seem to already have a good understanding of the situation. Abandonment fears are in play here, as well as black-and-white thinking I think.

It's good to validate, it's a very helpful tool. Have you seen the information we have about it under The Lessons on the right?

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There's more to validation than saying "I understand", "I get it", which both are actually invalidating. I found it tricky at first, but after reading a lot about it and practising, it became more and more natural and has made a real difference in our relationship.

And also:

For example, I can't accompany her to work/community events because she doesn't want to have to undergo the scrutiny of others if we break up; then she screams at me until 2:00 a.m. because she "HAD TO go alone."

This is not helpful, neither for you nor her. What can you do different next time this happens? (Answer hiding somewhere in the lessons... . )

[Seppe]

Scarlet:  I'm not sure I fully understand the distinction you are trying to make regarding validation.  When you say "I understand" and "I get it" are actually invalidating, is that because it is about how I feel rather than how she feels? 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Seppe 

Yes, validation is about what the other person is feeling, not what you are feeling. When we say "I understand" it's invalidating in the sense that we can't really understand because we are not in their shoes. It can feel dismissing. Plus it focuses on us.

It might be better to ask questions or state your understanding of how they feel, ie

- I sense that you're ... . about this, is that correct?

- And this makes you ... . , or?

They might not be quite sure what they feel, though, and not be able to give you a clear answer. Just nodding your head or making listening-noises can often go a long way.

Also: validation is for when they are relatively calm. When they start getting dysregulated, it's time to exit the situation.

[charred]

I had similar pressures to get married, my exBPDgf proposed to me 3 times... and I stalled each time, due to survival instinct I think.

She did something similar to what you described with saying she couldn't take scrutiny ... then complaining you made her go alone. In my pwBPD's case we were talking about moving in together, and she said no unless I married her, as it would set a bad example for her teenage son. Her own father told me we should move in... and seemed to caution me... he told her the same thing. So whenever I got the setup for the impossible bind... I would simply reverse it... so she says she can't take the scrutiny if it doesn't work out... .

Ask if she is counting on failure, you are not, and lets go to the public event... . you are proud to be seen with her, what is the problem?

I did that kind of thing a few times and it was very interesting, the expressions made it clear that it was a manipulation, and real clear when I insisted we move in together... she said okay, then went NC and about a week later was on FB with a posom... . but by then I was seeing a T and giving up on the r/s as we had recycled about 7 times in 4 yrs, and they were hellish blowups.

The pwBPD r/s was worst mistake I have made in my life so far... . if you are on these boards and know what you are dealing with... . can't imagine any reason to rush. With a pwBPD... marriage doesn't do much for you, it doesn't change them for the better and legally... it increases the pain they can inflict on you a great deal.

Anyway... . whenever I was told that they wouldn't be comfortable being seen with me (translated slightly from BPD's words)... I questioned why not... . its not going to get rid of pressure to be married... . but it gets you off the defensive. I would do a trial run if possible... move in... if she is skittish and on fence, the move in might not happen either. Different people have views that you shouldn't live together first... . I think it is necessary to be sure you can be a caretaker for them for a while, before signing on long term. I am sure glad I never married her... met her exH, and even after 10 yrs apart, she was doing best she could to castrate him... . no thanks.

[Seppe]

Thank you all for your input.  It's been very helpful.