I can do it myself

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I can do it myself has been my unhealthy mantra for as much of my life as I have memory. Although relatively free of physical and sexual abuse in my childhood, I was left to raise myself and while still just a child to also meet the emotional needs of my schizophrenic mother. My father was uNPD. From there I moved into a marriage with my xBPDh for many years. I managed everything, I made everything work, everything happen, I could only count on myself. It wasn't safe to count on anyone else.

I am now moving into a close relationship with a caring relatively emotionally healthy man. His wife passed away just over two years ago. We were talking last night and he brought up the fact that he has put a marker for both he and his wife on the grave where she is buried and where he will someday be buried. He asked me if that bothered me. I replied, of course not. I mean really why should it. We were quiet after that, just listening to some music. I still have problems with crying but I could feel a few tears welling up in my eyes because I had answered my own question, why would it bother me? The answer that came to my mind was I have lived a life all alone, why should it matter being alone in death.

I've realized I have created a hard shell of protection and that was where I wanted to crawl back into at that point. And I know I can't get back in, if I do I not only protect myself from hurt but from love and intimacy as well. It's frightening to give up any little bit of myself. But this relationship is remarkable and I feel it's my last chance, if I can't crawl out of my safety shell with this man I won't be able to do it with anyone.

So today has been emotionally draining for me. I know what I need to do but try to bargain with myself to just hold a little bit back. I don't think that will work. Any ideas from anyone who has all ready been through this? Cumulus

[Cumulus]

I can do it myself has been my unhealthy mantra for as much of my life as I have memory. Although relatively free of physical and sexual abuse in my childhood, I was left to raise myself and while still just a child to also meet the emotional needs of my schizophrenic mother. My father was uNPD. From there I moved into a marriage with my xBPDh for many years. I managed everything, I made everything work, everything happen, I could only count on myself. It wasn't safe to count on anyone else.

I am now moving into a close relationship with a caring relatively emotionally healthy man. His wife passed away just over two years ago. We were talking last night and he brought up the fact that he has put a marker for both he and his wife on the grave where she is buried and where he will someday be buried. He asked me if that bothered me. I replied, of course not. I mean really why should it. We were quiet after that, just listening to some music. I still have problems with crying but I could feel a few tears welling up in my eyes because I had answered my own question, why would it bother me? The answer that came to my mind was I have lived a life all alone, why should it matter being alone in death.

I've realized I have created a hard shell of protection and that was where I wanted to crawl back into at that point. And I know I can't get back in, if I do I not only protect myself from hurt but from love and intimacy as well. It's frightening to give up any little bit of myself. But this relationship is remarkable and I feel it's my last chance, if I can't crawl out of my safety shell with this man I won't be able to do it with anyone.

So today has been emotionally draining for me. I know what I need to do but try to bargain with myself to just hold a little bit back. I don't think that will work. Any ideas from anyone who has all ready been through this? Cumulus

[charred]

When you don't get what you need when you are little, the reaction goes through stages, protest, anger and then resignation typically. So you get upset and eventually give up. When your caregiver is neglectful of your needs another patter can be that you feel distress over your needs not being met... turn it on yourself... feel shame because you think you are bad, disconnect from your real needs and then make a pride based counter-identification ... like saying "I can do it myself", "I don't need any help." and that sort of thing. To the degree you are stubborn about it, you probably have a defense mechanism going on... . defense against feeling shame (wrongfully) for having needs... . so now you pride yourself on taking care of your needs yourself. However it wouldn't be a counter-identification if it were in fact true. People have needs, young kids have needs and if they are not met the consequences are real.

When we disconnect from our emotions and real needs early, and substitute pride in their opposites, it isn't healthy for us. We need to accept our needs and address them, and work through the ego defenses we have.

Its not just you... guys are famous for refusing to ask directions... I think its a sign of how widespread some of this is.

[seeking balance]

I can relate to "doing it myself" and then finding myself vulnerable only to unsafe or unworthy people.  Childhood stuff for sure.

So, letting myself be vulnerable again has taken (and is still taking) work.  Some books that opened my eyes to why and how to go about this are:  Untethered Soul, The Four Agreements and Daring Greatly and the Gifts of Imperfection.  Brene Brown's entire work is on this subject - if you haven't watched one of her TED talks, it is worth it.

Core loneliness work is hard stuff - and that seems to be the button that was pushed.  In all reality, could you be measuring your value or worth against a marker that he did to soothe himself in this moment?

My T used to preach, "the greatest strength is in the ability to be vulnerable".  I think it is true - but the alternative is pretty lonely.

Do you know exactly what you are bargaining with in holding back?

[charred]

If you think that may just be an example (one of many) defense mechanisms... like you are always anxious and keep people at a distance (other than BPD person probably)... you might check out "Healing Developmental Trauma" by Heller and LaPierre. It has the subtitle; "How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image and the Capacity for Relationships." Its pretty good... just start about pg 150 to end, then read beginning... otherwise it is a tough read... . but it explains what it is like to grow up and cope with a dysfunctional childhood and then covers how to address the problems that causes... it is for a T, but it gives hope and direction.

[talithacumi]

For me it was less about "can" do it, than it was about "have" to do it, but it came from exactly the same place for exactly the reasons in my childhood as well.

This - coming to terms with, accepting, and recovering from the sudden, traumatic, and completely devastating end of my 12+ year relationship with my ex upwBPD - was the first thing I found I really "couldn't" do even though it was also the one thing I knew from the start I absolutely "had" to do more than anything else I'd ever done before because I was completely lost, so confused, and in so much pain that the solution that kept looking more and more reasonable/appealing at the time was ending my own life. I came really close twice and the second time so close that I knew a third time I'd probably succeed unless I did allow myself to trust someone, literally put my life in their hands, and get the help/support I so desperately really needed to get through that first unbelievably difficult year.

I thought I was so lucky/fortunate that the people to whom I turned for help not only had it, but were so willing to so unhesitatingly give it with such gentleness, understanding, and grace.

Now I know it wasn't luck. It was life. The way things really work. People being just what they are. And me learning that true friendship/emotional connection comes from being able to ask for, and receive help just as much as being able to give it.

I got dragged by this experience - often literally kicking, screaming, crying, fighting myself every step of the way for all I was worth - out of the insular little "have to do it by myself" cocoon of codependence that allowed me to survive my childhood and made me so afraid of the world in which I lived, as well as the people I loved/needed who inhabited that world.

It hasn't been easy. I'm still a little insecure and feel like I don't really quite belong here yet or know my way around this place as well as I did that tiny space inside my own cocoon. But I do like it ever so much more. And the more I allow myself to experience/explore/roam this new place, the more and more my heart finally feels like it's truly home at last.

Now ... . if I can just learn to feel more comfortable owning my right to set/maintain healthy boundaries with other people, maybe I'll be able to stop resorting to expressing my frustration/resentment/anger in all those passive-agressive ways suzn outlined in her post on that particular subject!

[catsprt]

Hi Cumulus - the pieces are all to familiar but I am not sure of the final image. One gets used to the "myself" it is safe, a little painful but safe. Why is this safe? One learns to handle things that way not by choice but as the only option. Most experience things the other way around, someone does it for them and with them. Then, when they feel ready, they do it themselves. This is not just true about doing, it is also about being. I do not believe in big changes nor do I really trust recipes. A friend says that one only changes when one is forced to.  A complementary perspective could be to become progressively aware of the inappropriateness of one's behavior until one is ready to jump/change/opt for a different perspective. You sound like you could be close to that decisive point.

[Whatwasthat]

Hello Cumulus 

If you were being your honest, vulnerable self what do you think you'd like to say to your partner about this issue of burial arrangements now? It's not too late to unearth the fact that actually this might well 'bother' you - and to express that.

I think there might be things you could say that both reflected your own sadness and respected his freedom to do what he wants and his natural feelings about his marriage too.

I'm on a journey myself to try to be honest about my needs and feelings and I do feel stronger and more confident in this every time I say or do anything that reinforces that. So if I were you I'd try to make sure you don't just 'let this drop' - but take the chance to say how you feel.

Wishing you well,

WWT

[heartandwhole]

Hi Cumulus,

My heart goes out to you.  I can very much relate to this feeling "I can do it myself."  And sometimes it's so tiring.  And I do think I keep people out sometimes, because I know that their needs will vie for my attention - and they'll get it.

You've had some great responses, and I'd like to second what WWT wrote: I felt kind of hurt when I read what your new man said.  And my pattern would be similar to yours - basically, what I want and need isn't important.  And I really think that, it's not just resignation.  But I think I believe that I don't mind, because I'm not in touch with what I feel or need in the first place.  And if I did feel that little pain on hearing that he'd like to be buried with his first wife, I might immediately dismiss it as a selfish or invalid feeling and not express it.

You know what?  I just *don't* want to do this anymore.  That "little heart" has just as much a right to express her feelings as anyone else.  And it would require that vulnerability that you speak of, something that scares me, too.  Like you, though, I think I'd try to jump in head first, because the alternative (being closed) has become more uncomfortable than feeling.

I haven't opened myself to a new person since pwBPD yet.  I'm here to cheer you on and let you know that you are a great example for people like me. 

[Cumulus]

Thank you for your responses. I have gathered validation and encouragement from your thoughts. I don't feel quite as raw today, and am able to be a bit more rational yet I am still trying to hold onto the feelings I had as I know they are important. I think the burial subject came up because the new man is becoming more attached to me and he himself was becoming uncomfortable with the idea of remaining connected with his deceased wife as we move forward in our relationship. I did tell him what sadness I felt when the thought of being alone in life and in death went through my head. And that is where I am at now, will I remain protected but alone or vulnerable and in a healthy relationship.

Charred, it is a great deal about pride. It took me a long time to understand that. I am proud to be self reliant and capable, needing no one. It's a distortion of the truth. It IS good to be self reliant and capable but to believe you need no one is hubris and is a damaging and controlling thought. I am fighting that and trying to allow the people in my life to see my needs and to allow them to help me. It isn't something that comes easily to me and I have to be consciously aware of this pattern in my relationships.

SB, gotta love Brene Brown. My lawyer directed me to her during my divorce. It was too early at that time to appreciate what she was saying but I have since seen her TED talk, and didn't she look vulnerable during that!, and read two of her books. Daring Greatly is a great inspiration for me and probably what got me focused on my need to change.

Tal, you're right, I like that line it isn't luck it's life. And I do need to remember the take in the give and take of life.

Hey cat, have you heard the analogy about the rose bud that stayed a bud until it became too tight and it was forced to flower? That's what you reminded me of.  

Thank you WWT and HandW, you expressed so well my feelings. The first step really is getting in touch with my own thoughts and needs. They have been buried so long under anticipating what others might want or need. Under trying to keep the peace. Under trying to make others happy. Under trying to make life easier for those around me. Under anything I could find so I didn't have to think of self. Selflessness? No, absolutely not, unhealthy coping mechanisms.

HandW when I initially left my husband I thought I was tied to him, ( even though divorced ) forever. One of my friends was so angry with the ridiculousness of this statement that she really challenged me to rethink. I eventually got to the point where I could let that go but still did not believe that a real relationship was ever in my future. Not that I didn't want one, I just felt that it was not to be the way of my life. And now here I am, finding fulfillment that I never knew existed. Thank you for cheering me on.  

PS. Have not read Healing Developmental Trauma, will put on my list. Thanks.

[Rose Tiger]

  What do you wish you had said Cumulus?  What were your feelings towards him when he said this?

[Cumulus]

Hi rose, it was actually more about one of those lightbulb moments for myself rather than being about him. We had been sitting out watching the sunset and talking when he brought up the burial and I responded no, I don't mind. It was coming home in the car, he was driving, (this is another first for me, until this relationship I did almost all the driving), some soft music was playing, we were both quiet and I was going over in my mind why, why didn't I mind, when the realization of profound aloneness hit me and I truly realized for the first time how little help I have had with living my life. How totally alone I have been trying to manage everything, relationships, finances, housing, child raising, cleaning, just everything. I have done a good job covering and numbing my feelings but there at that moment the sadness, loneliness, and a feeling of being totally bereft filled my soul and I had this new awareness of what I have missed out on in life. And, the awareness that now is my chance to change my life and let this new person in. But to do that I have to let go of the perceived control I have over myself and let my guard down. I am doing all I can to try and make that happen. I did talk to him after we got back to my place and described to him as best I could what I was feeling, pretty much as I said in the first post.  He was warm and understanding and tried to make things right but that wasn't the point. The point was not about the burial, it was about me understanding the need to let someone else do or feel or care for me. And for me to learn to accept that without fear of loss. Loss of what I'm not sure. Loss of self?, loss of control?, loss of erected barriers that feel safe?, loss of pride, I can manage everything?, loss of well managed emotion?  Still to be considered. Thanks rose for helping me think this through. Cumulus.

[Rose Tiger]

I see, it wasn't the content, it was the realization of old coping techniques.  Could one of the loss fears be loss of your friend?  That he would be intolerant of your feelings?  That's one of my biggies, is I speak my mind and the r/s is over.