A Mixed Blessing

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey guys.  I have had a thread going for the past 3-4 days about being back in my college town and worrying about running into my ex, as well as just dealing with all of the memories and pain.  I was specifically worried about her showing up to this big party my fraternity is having this coming weekend, as well as any parties this coming school year.

I talked for awhile with one of the other guys in the fraternity today.  We hadn't seen each other all summer.  I wouldn't say we are super close at all.  I was talking a little bit about my situation and my summer, dealing with getting over my ex, etc.  He said "Oh she is in (another town in my state 2 hours away)."  I was kind of dumbstruck.  He went on to tell me that he was at the bar where she worked her last night.  She left town back in late July to go to "Treatment" in the new town.  She told me she was going for neurofeedback treatment as well as to address an cancer issue (which many on here do not believe to be true, and I do have my own doubts)... . I am kind of speechless.  It is a huge weight off my shoulders in many ways.  I have been looking over my shoulder the entire 5 days I have been back... . When I have gone for runs I have been looking for her car driving by. And all along she has been gone for almost a month now... . it is bizzare.   She is still engaged to the new guy I guess... .

God I am sick.  I am actually worried by and upset by the idea that she might go to treatment, be all better, and then go off with the new guy happily ever after.  I am so sick of having this clouding my mind... . It should be nothing but a good thing that she is gone from town, and yet there is a part of me that is sad... . I haven't cried in almost 2 months and I feel it coming again for some reason.

[Octoberfest]

Hey guys.  I have had a thread going for the past 3-4 days about being back in my college town and worrying about running into my ex, as well as just dealing with all of the memories and pain.  I was specifically worried about her showing up to this big party my fraternity is having this coming weekend, as well as any parties this coming school year.

I talked for awhile with one of the other guys in the fraternity today.  We hadn't seen each other all summer.  I wouldn't say we are super close at all.  I was talking a little bit about my situation and my summer, dealing with getting over my ex, etc.  He said "Oh she is in (another town in my state 2 hours away)."  I was kind of dumbstruck.  He went on to tell me that he was at the bar where she worked her last night.  She left town back in late July to go to "Treatment" in the new town.  She told me she was going for neurofeedback treatment as well as to address an cancer issue (which many on here do not believe to be true, and I do have my own doubts)... . I am kind of speechless.  It is a huge weight off my shoulders in many ways.  I have been looking over my shoulder the entire 5 days I have been back... . When I have gone for runs I have been looking for her car driving by. And all along she has been gone for almost a month now... . it is bizzare.   She is still engaged to the new guy I guess... .

God I am sick.  I am actually worried by and upset by the idea that she might go to treatment, be all better, and then go off with the new guy happily ever after.  I am so sick of having this clouding my mind... . It should be nothing but a good thing that she is gone from town, and yet there is a part of me that is sad... . I haven't cried in almost 2 months and I feel it coming again for some reason.

[Hazelrah]

Hey OF,

Glad to hear you don't have to be looking over your shoulder at every turn.  Haven't seen my pwBPD in weeks, and the thought of actually seeing her face now leaves me wondering if I'd be down on my knees like a baby.  I'm sure it is a relief to know you likely won't be faced with such a chance meeting.

I understand your fears concerning her treatment and potential for getting 'better'.  I'm dealing with similar concerns, as my SO's decision to leave our marriage coincided with her finally getting into DBT once and for all.  Obviously, treating BPD takes a considerable commitment and a long period of time, but the fact she finally embraced targeted therapy AND decided to leave what I thought was a loving marriage around the same time leaves me wondering about the possibilities of what a better-adjusted woman has to offer future lovers.

[Octoberfest]

It is hard to swallow that she has been gone for nearly a month... . and all this time I have been stressing over and worrying about what I would do when I saw her.  She left a week after I went NC with her after she pulled the BS about telling me she wasn't engaged and then 6 days later telling all of my friends that she was... . It is bizarre.  She feels gone for good now, and that is scary

[GreenMango]

October it gets easier.  Sounds like you had become accustomed to the ups and downs, and the BS that comes with it - anxiety, fear, anticipation, etc.  Being there again could be bringing these anticipatory feelings up.

Be patient with yourself.  :)o you have someone to talk to about it?  :)oes your school have therapists?

Having a plan helps.

[LoneWolf768]

Way to go, Octoberfest! Here's to MANY MANY MANY more good days ahead for you, my friend!

[empower-me]

I understand how this could be so draining on you and only a month out?

Well no wonder you still feel like it's an open wound.  I Kicked my ex out over 7 months ago and just recently started to think about him and actually miss him to the point of considering allowing him to come home if he asked?  WTH!    And thankfully HE told me off after a few weeks of trying to be so called friends and thank goodness he did. Talk about a mixed blessing!

So I am not sure how long you two were together for but it takes a while to rethink the r/s and a lot of internal dialog and reminders of why we had to leave them in the first place.

I find myself re-reading my journals and all the nightmare episodes of him lashing out at me and all the nights of sleeping on the couch or leaving my home due to the verbal abuse and name calling.

And I was missing him...   It is so unnerving and goes against the grain and everything i'm trying to stand for here!

So like was mentioned, be patient with yourself and cry if you need to and know that you are in VERY good company friend and so many of us understand completely.

I am so glad she's out of the area.  Thankfully my ex is as well cuz there were a few nights that the urges hit pretty hard and I hate to imagine if he lived closer and I actually caved and opened up that festering wound.  Night-mare... .

stay strong and sending happy thoughts your way. e-m

[Perfidy]

Octoberfest... . How are you today? Hope you are feeling better. You have had so much impact on my well being with your words of support and your knowledge. I hope this can help you. I am certain that I will not find it necessary or useful to ever contact my ex ever again. The only thing that I have left is the pain. I loved that girl with every fiber of my being. I gave her everything without reservation. Now all I have in her place is pain. I don't want to let go of it because when I do I will have let go of her. I recognize this and I suffer. If I want the pain to go away I have to let go. Let go. Let her go. Peace brother.

[Octoberfest]

I wound up drinking A LOT last night over at the fraternity house.  It was just the guys over that night, not a full out party type deal... . I talked to a few of them and in conversation this whole subject got brought up.  The new guy she is with is also a fraternity guy, but in a different fraternity.  He is super well liked.  I have actually met him and had a casual conversation with him before, and I like him too. The general consensus last night was that them being engaged after knowing each other for 3.5 months is crazy.  Talking to a pretty close friend of mine, he commented, "He has no idea what he is in for".  

Talking to another guy, the one who back in July told me he suspected that she was lying about having cancer/being engaged, he shared that the new guy had proposed to her because he wanted to show her that he was going to be there throughout her treatment of the supposed cancer as well as whatever BPD treatment she is getting... . wow.

He is still in town and I believe going to school, while she is in the new town 2 hours away.  She doesn't know anyone there/was not already established when she moved there... . I honestly can't imagine her not cheating on him.  I don't think she has the capability to be in a new town like that and just be alone.  When she moved to my college town last year and she was brand new, she latched onto me her first night there, cheating on her BF in her hometown.  A month or two later she was also dating a guy in ANOTHER town, so that there were 3 of us... . I don't know, but I can't believe that in the 4 months since we split, and in the less than 1 month of treatment, that she has changed her ways.


The guy I mentioned earlier who kind of pegged her for her lies also told me that "I really wasn't missing out in not being with her"... . and I am not.  I think I need to just do a little mental rewiring and see the situation for what it is.  She ISN'T going to magically change.  This new guy, the super nice guy, is going to get worked over too.  Honestly, I should feel bad for him being engaged to her after 3.5 months.  He is signing up for a world of hurt. Back right near the end of our relationship I knew of this guy being around... . and she said all sorts of things about him, like she could never bring herself to do anything with him, one of the reasons being that his voice was high and squeaky and she almost thinks he is gay. Even if that statement was total BS devaluing stuff, you don't say those sort of things about your SO, just like you do say and do the things that she did to me throughout our relationship... .  

[seeking balance]

It should be nothing but a good thing that she is gone from town, and yet there is a part of me that is sad... . I haven't cried in almost 2 months and I feel it coming again for some reason.

I wound up drinking A LOT last night over at the fraternity house. 

Not sure if this is the cause/effect that occurred, but this is what was written.

When I was your age, sadness and grief was handled similarly by me - so I am not judging you whatsoever... . honesty.

What I have learned over the years, is when I need to cry - letting it happen and fully process without alcohol involved tends to let the emotions pass through quicker and healthier.  Nothing wrong with processing and drinking with your friends at times - truly. 

However, in this specific case - you had a big blow - she really is gone... . your cycle of chaos with her may very well be at a close - do you see yourself letting the chaos go?

[Blaise]

I had a 1 1/2 year r/s with my dBPDexGF. She has been in T for more than 10 years and this 1 1/2 year coincided with a break in her T due to her therapist leaving the country.

We broke up in January this year... . which is when she started seeing a new T.

My point here is that they do not leave because they are better, and they will not get better just because they leave and see a T. Seeing a T just give them another caretaker. It's not different than having another guy lined up.

It should also comfort you to know that 12 years of T will not change them. They will just have less difficulties and tools to cope. But the core issues -- like the fear of intimacy, which is an obstacle to any r/s -- will remain there.

[Octoberfest]

It should be nothing but a good thing that she is gone from town, and yet there is a part of me that is sad... . I haven't cried in almost 2 months and I feel it coming again for some reason.

I wound up drinking A LOT last night over at the fraternity house. 

Not sure if this is the cause/effect that occurred, but this is what was written.

When I was your age, sadness and grief was handled similarly by me - so I am not judging you whatsoever... . honesty.

What I have learned over the years, is when I need to cry - letting it happen and fully process without alcohol involved tends to let the emotions pass through quicker and healthier.  Nothing wrong with processing and drinking with your friends at times - truly. 

However, in this specific case - you had a big blow - she really is gone... . your cycle of chaos with her may very well be at a close - do you see yourself letting the chaos go?

I honestly don't think I really know what to do without it.  I am having trouble remembering what life was like and what my priorities were before I met my BPDex.  In many ways, I have come full circle.  In two days it will be the 1 year anniversary of when I met my BPDex. We met the first day that people were back on campus at my college and were "together" (with the usual breakups and recycling throughout" until a week or so after school ended.  I have had the summer, and now tomorrow is the first day of this year that everyone gets back on campus.  I am basically in the exact same place/situation as when I met her. I guess I am very lucky in some ways... . I am kind of getting a "do over".  This time of year, the first month or so of school when everyone is getting to campus and the new people are coming in and everyone is excited to meet people is, AWESOME.  I had a blast doing it last year when I met my BPDex, and now I can do it again except better. 

I read a little bit of the "do you still love them" thread and it gave me an idea.  I was reading several different peoples posts in which they commented on what "love" meant in their BPD relationships as opposed to what it REALLY means.  It made me think that it would be a good idea to look past the cheating and the multiple huge glaring instances of hurt that my BPDex caused me and take a look at her on a more basic level, looking at her traits, and habits, what makes her who she is.  I have mentioned here before that I had decided long ago, when we first started dating, that my BPDex was not someone that I wanted to marry or end up with.  That decision was made at the time because of some things in her past that I knew about (which is a judgement on MY part, I am not saying that anyone should not be loved or isn't worthy of being with someone because of things in their past), the instances of cheating as they happened (because they happened throughout), and because of some of her traits, things about her... . It is the most bizarre thing, I remember several times actually being annoyed or upset by things about her, yet I stayed in the relationship.  This is sort of what tells me upfront that I was in that relationship for as long as I was because of a need of my own. 

Anyways, I think I need to look deeper at what made her, her.  If I do not, then what I am left with is the hurt that comes from the cheating that she did and the fact that she is off engaged to another guy.  It puts me in a position to feel like I am the loser here, that I am the one missing out.  I need to think about and examine those things that annoyed me or upset me about her more so that I can see clearly, and actually believe, that she is not a partner that I really want in the first place.  I think if I can see that this is not a person that is desirable, truly, anyways, the pain of being cheated on and her being with another guy will be lessened.  You don't miss something that you don't want.

Think it is a good plan?

[seeking balance]

  I need to think about and examine those things that annoyed me or upset me about her more so that I can see clearly, and actually believe, that she is not a partner that I really want in the first place.  I think if I can see that this is not a person that is desirable, truly, anyways, the pain of being cheated on and her being with another guy will be lessened.  You don't miss something that you don't want.

Think it is a good plan?

I don't think it is going to hurt you at all to identify what you want in a potential partner, using this relationship as a gauge... . and cheating is a big red flag.  Cheating is a thread of it's own, honestly - and there is an age factor in some lessons we do learn the hard way. 

What does letting go of chaos look like for you?

Can you sit in stillness and let feelings/emotions pass by without distraction?

[Octoberfest]

What does letting go of chaos look like for you?

Can you sit in stillness and let feelings/emotions pass by without distraction?

This whole thing has been the most confusing experience I have ever had... . It is VERY weird to be able to see and recognize things for what they are, but be unable to accept them.  Letting go of chaos... . I DID NOT enjoy all of the circles I was running in when I was with my BPDex... . I didn't like all of the constant stressing and anxiety over who she was with, who she was talking to, if she was telling the truth, etc. I don't want to do that again... . yet I still find myself trapped in some thoughts.  I do not want her back.  I think more than anything I miss what she represented to me... . being my first and thus far only love she represented all of those feelings that I had been wanting for so long, even if she herself was not a good partner and incapable of TRULY giving me them.  I have been reading up on mindfullness a little and honestly I don't understand it... . It may just be the piece that I am reading is confusing to me (www.dbtselfhelp.com/What_Skills.pdf), but I have a very hard time wrapping my head around it.  All yesterday and a little today still the knowledge that my BPDex has left town and is in treatment in another city has been throbbing in my head... . no matter what I am doing it is in the background, always present.

Something that has been hugely frustrating about this is that there really isn't an outcome here that would make me happy I don't think.  I don't see it right now at least.  Getting back together with her would not make me happy.  Staying in contact with her/being friends would not make me happy.  But also, being NC and completely separating myself from her and cutting her out of my life isn't really making me happy either.  As I mentioned, her being gone from town is probably the BEST thing that could have happened.  And yet I am still unhappy with it... .

It has been 4 months and thoughts concerning her still like about her being gone still control my attention.  I haven't had contact with her in over a month now, she has had no input or impact on my life for a month and she won't again in the forseeable future, so I am confused why I am still impacted by knowledge about her that has NOTHING to do with me. I CAN'T let feelings and emotions pass me by, but I sure wish that I could.  I just feel like my head is in the fog

[seeking balance]

Something that has been hugely frustrating about this is that there really isn't an outcome here that would make me happy I don't think. 

Honestly - you are right on track with this line of thinking... . happiness is not about future outcomes.

Mindfulness - big question and deserving of it's own thread 

[empower-me]

Octoberfest,

When I read what your feeling it hits home very painfully.  But the only difference for me is you need to add on another 28 yrs plus to the picture and then trying to mentally let go.  can you imagine?

It sucks bigtime.

And the same constant recycling and on again off again r/s woes.

Trying to get past the abuse is nonstop but it comes and goes in waves. Some days are good and some not so good. But it keeps changing so that parts good.

But the more I put into the positive restructuring of it, the better off I sleep.

So it really has a lot to do with what we allow our minds to feed on.  Everything we feel follows a thought process.  Our mind doesn't know the difference between real things happening or things we are imagining that are happening.

That's why people at a show seeing ones burn to death in 120 degree heat will start to sweat and get so overheated.  the brain is very powerful but it starts with the thoughts.

So change your thought process and you change how you feel and the outcome of your day, or of your moments.

So i've been reading about that and it does take will power to control your thinking and I struggle with that. And it take s a very good imagination, i don't have that either. But i'm working on it.

Men are usually more of 'the thinker's ' right? So you can do this...

[Octoberfest]

Octoberfest,

When I read what your feeling it hits home very painfully.  But the only difference for me is you need to add on another 28 yrs plus to the picture and then trying to mentally let go.  can you imagine?

It sucks bigtime.

And the same constant recycling and on again off again r/s woes.

Trying to get past the abuse is nonstop but it comes and goes in waves. Some days are good and some not so good. But it keeps changing so that parts good.

But the more I put into the positive restructuring of it, the better off I sleep.

So it really has a lot to do with what we allow our minds to feed on.  Everything we feel follows a thought process.  Our mind doesn't know the difference between real things happening or things we are imagining that are happening.

That's why people at a show seeing ones burn to death in 120 degree heat will start to sweat and get so overheated.  the brain is very powerful but it starts with the thoughts.

So change your thought process and you change how you feel and the outcome of your day, or of your moments.

So i've been reading about that and it does take will power to control your thinking and I struggle with that. And it take s a very good imagination, i don't have that either. But i'm working on it.

Men are usually more of 'the thinker's ' right? So you can do this...

empower-me;

Thank you for your words.  I DO need to remind myself that I am VERY lucky.  I came out of this experience, save for the mental torment, scot free.  I did not marry her, I did not have kids with her, I did not sign a lease with her, I did not buy anything of substance with her, I did not get an animal with her, there is NOTHING that ties me to her. I am free to walk away and continue living my life... . I just have to do it.  

I cannot imagine having lived through what I did for 28 years.  Thinking about it makes my 9 months sound hugely insignificant... . and honestly, they kind of are.  In the grand scheme of things, my 9 months with my BPDex are not going to dictate who I am for the rest of my life.  The time I spent with her has taught me SO MUCH about relationships, people, and the world... . more than I have learned in probably the last 4 years combined.   I cherish the knowledge that I have now, and I see a marked difference between my understanding of things and myself now than how I was the almost year ago now that it was when I met my BPDex.  It has been tough... . but I am so much wiser and more mature now because of it.  It has shaken me to my core and challenged everything that I thought I knew about people.  It has been hard.  But I can come out of this experience with knowledge that I could never have found otherwise. For that I am grateful.  

I really do think practicing mindfulness is going to be key.  My BPDex only has as much power over my happiness and mood as I am willing to rent her space in my head.  I just need to commit to evicting her.  There is too much world out there to see to spend my time moping and torturing myself with my own thoughts like I have been.  I am a thinker... . in fact, I probably spend too much time thinking for my own good.  I used to joke that if I could get paid just to sit and think all day I would do it in a heartbeat haha.

I just got back from a workout at the school gym, and now I am about to go shower, eat, and then head out with some buddies to a party/gathering.  It is time to get out there and meet new people! You are right though.  The pain and relief come in waves.  I was doing wonderfully before I came back to my college town.  Then I sunk pretty low again... . now I am bouncing back.  It is disappointing how we can run into setbacks that drag us down to the dark places that we have already spent a lot of time in... . I am tired of being there!

[empower-me]

Good for you friend!

Go have a good time and live... .   brother.  Live!  Don't waste any more precious time...   It's so fleeting and then your gone, like a blade of grass...  

Enjoy tonight! 

[Octoberfest]

I had a pretty good time last night.  My BPDex got brought up once, and not by me.  The girlfriend of one of my buddies got super wasted last night and she and I and another fraternity guy who has heard all about it for the past year in the ups and downs.  My buddies GF and my Brother both basically told me that "She couldn't be good enough for you" and that "She isn't worth it at all".  The fact that she is engaged got brought up and my Brother said "and I even heard that is bogus, so who knows" but we all agreed that the new guy is in for a world of hurt and that being engaged after 3.5 months is insane.  I also shared that I had been in therapy all summer and that a lot of my troubles are with self confidence I think.  I shared how it is the damndest thing to be hurting so badly and caught up over a girl who I know isn't a good person, a good partner, and someone I do not want to be with.  It is like hurting over the loss of something that you know wasn't great in the first place.  I got to be social and talk to new girls and flirt and BS and laugh... . and I get to do it again today! I get to go walk around a big welcoming festival for the new freshman and hand out fliers for our concert/party on friday, just go up to random people and start talking to them... . I am excited!  I will keep posting in here and updating... . It feels so good to have people that care.  Empower, I am so thankful that you can glean something from my experience.  That is a great gift to me.

[empower-me]

Well,

You are a great gift to us.  You see, If we can impart anything to you from what we've been thru and help you not stay unhappy as long as I have, and also be built up from your strength and weaknesses and complete honesty in the process... well, hey, it's a win win right?

I'm so glad you are getting out there and being social and living your life again and just staying grounded...    It made me smile to read that and how you were able to 'do it again!'   So good for you friend.

Keep us informed... please... WE need to see you succeed as we continue to do the same...    29 yrs later... but still... LOL