Emptiness

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am wondering why I am even "in love" with my bf. What am I sticking around for? Am I waiting for the inevitable moment where he replaces me? Or am I just waiting to be dangled on a string at his whim... . used like a puppet when he needs me and tossed aside when he doesn't?

I am thinking about relationships. REAL relationships that include many of the things I value: honesty, open communication, healthy vulnerability and trust. With him I have none of these things... . so why am I still with him? Why does it hurt so much to be without him?

I am noticing more and more the lack of communication. In the beginning it seemed like we talked about so many things. He would call me daily and we would talk for hours on the phone several times a day. I realize this is the "ideal" of how all relationships start out. But now when he calls me, still several times a day, the conversation is empty and meaningless. I don't think he has anything much to talk about. It is always "how was work? What did you eat today?" We have silences where I feel I need to fill the space... . so to do that I will asking him what specific job he did at work today and it's like he lights up to be able to have something to talk about that is about him... . and he can go on for 10 minutes about that particular thing.

I also notice there is very little in the way of how I am doing. I have tested the theory of his interest in my life by making up little lies about my day like I did something new or plan to do something new... . just to see if he will remember it or ask about it later. For example I told him I bought a pass to start dance classes (not true... . I was considering it... . but I wanted to see if he would actually remember or care enough to ask about it later). He said something like "that's nice" then never mentioned or asked about it again. I got really sick once at work and had to leave and go to the hospital. I sent him a text telling him what happened. I had to turn my cellphone off while at the hospital b/c they don't allow cell phone use in the waiting room. He called MANY times. Then later when I talked to him he asked how I was etc. But even with follow up dr's appts etc he never asked again how I was doing, how I was feeling. Nothing. I had a major difficulty with my mom. I was devastated when my mom sent me an email saying I was spying on her so I could lock her up in a home and steal her money. My mom has been like my best friend for the last 10 years. We have always been very close. We have taken 4 trips together. But she has had 2 strokes and this has changed her drastically. He seemed uncomfortable with what to say. I was crying and he just kept saying not to worry about it, not to be sad, it's out of my control. He said he didn't like talking to me when I am upset! OK I can maybe understand that when I am upset with HIM... . but this was different. I needed support and it just wasn't there. And now he never asks about it... . how I feel, if I am ok, if I am working things out with her... . nothing.

He texts other women constantly. I wonder what he can possibly have to say to them? What does he have to say that he doesn't say to me? He calls me... . and I used to take some solace in the fact that I am the only one he actually calls and talks to every day, even if our conversations are totally lacking. But I see last night, before he called me, he tried calling one of the women he texts with all the time. Like really? I feel like he's been looking for my replacement from the beginning. He would cling and cry and sob and ask for forgiveness when I try to break up with him... . but I'm sure that if one of these women actually said yes to him, he would drop me like a hot coal. I think his struggle has been in finding one that will say yes. I think he could be close with this new one... . the constant texting back and forth, when I asked her about their relationship she told me they are just friends and it will remain that way, but she said "You have a great boyfriend. He's a doll!" That comment makes me not trust what is really going on and how in-depth this "friendship" is. And she lives in the same town as him... . I don't.

So with all of this said (sorry it's so long but I need to vent) I am asking myself WHY am I in this? Why does it seem to hurt more when I let go of the relationship than when I am in it? All of these things cause me a lot of hurt. But when I end it the hurt feels like it's compounded x100. In the relationship, I feel empty and alone. There are many things I love ABOUT him. But am I "in love" with him or am I just blinded by all the things he's said to me?

Recently I told him I was looking at hotels in Thailand. I want to go there and since he's planning his trip to Mexico without me, I thought I could start planning my trip there even if it's a couple of years away. We had talked about going together someday but I didn't put much stock in this. When I told him I was looking at hotels there he asked when I was thinking of going. I said I didn't know yet. He said "If you wait until February maybe we can go together". I felt this spark of hope light up inside me, even despite his broken promises. I later realized... . he's taking his vacation in October to Mexico. There is no way his work would give him more time off to go to Thailand months later. It took a year and a half for him just to get the time off to go to Mexico. And he knows this too. So it's just another thing to give me hope and keep me hanging on. And that's what I've been doing this entire relationship. I've been hanging on to strings of hope. Hope for the next "moment" when I see him. He will constantly say things like "we will go to this or that together" and I spend my time looking forward to it, planning for it, waiting for that one weekend or trip together. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes he blows me off with an excuse that he has to work that weekend or something. I planned a camping trip for us that I talked about for months. I was excited for it. I paid for the campsite and everything. He promised he wanted to come and could come that weekend. Then when the time came, he blew me off again. I lost the money I paid for it... . and he didn't even seem to care. What the heck am I doing? This is not a normal relationship by any means. And each day I feel less and less special. But it's like he senses that and then plants these little seeds of hope. How can I be so stupid?

[eternity75]

I am wondering why I am even "in love" with my bf. What am I sticking around for? Am I waiting for the inevitable moment where he replaces me? Or am I just waiting to be dangled on a string at his whim... . used like a puppet when he needs me and tossed aside when he doesn't?

I am thinking about relationships. REAL relationships that include many of the things I value: honesty, open communication, healthy vulnerability and trust. With him I have none of these things... . so why am I still with him? Why does it hurt so much to be without him?

I am noticing more and more the lack of communication. In the beginning it seemed like we talked about so many things. He would call me daily and we would talk for hours on the phone several times a day. I realize this is the "ideal" of how all relationships start out. But now when he calls me, still several times a day, the conversation is empty and meaningless. I don't think he has anything much to talk about. It is always "how was work? What did you eat today?" We have silences where I feel I need to fill the space... . so to do that I will asking him what specific job he did at work today and it's like he lights up to be able to have something to talk about that is about him... . and he can go on for 10 minutes about that particular thing.

I also notice there is very little in the way of how I am doing. I have tested the theory of his interest in my life by making up little lies about my day like I did something new or plan to do something new... . just to see if he will remember it or ask about it later. For example I told him I bought a pass to start dance classes (not true... . I was considering it... . but I wanted to see if he would actually remember or care enough to ask about it later). He said something like "that's nice" then never mentioned or asked about it again. I got really sick once at work and had to leave and go to the hospital. I sent him a text telling him what happened. I had to turn my cellphone off while at the hospital b/c they don't allow cell phone use in the waiting room. He called MANY times. Then later when I talked to him he asked how I was etc. But even with follow up dr's appts etc he never asked again how I was doing, how I was feeling. Nothing. I had a major difficulty with my mom. I was devastated when my mom sent me an email saying I was spying on her so I could lock her up in a home and steal her money. My mom has been like my best friend for the last 10 years. We have always been very close. We have taken 4 trips together. But she has had 2 strokes and this has changed her drastically. He seemed uncomfortable with what to say. I was crying and he just kept saying not to worry about it, not to be sad, it's out of my control. He said he didn't like talking to me when I am upset! OK I can maybe understand that when I am upset with HIM... . but this was different. I needed support and it just wasn't there. And now he never asks about it... . how I feel, if I am ok, if I am working things out with her... . nothing.

He texts other women constantly. I wonder what he can possibly have to say to them? What does he have to say that he doesn't say to me? He calls me... . and I used to take some solace in the fact that I am the only one he actually calls and talks to every day, even if our conversations are totally lacking. But I see last night, before he called me, he tried calling one of the women he texts with all the time. Like really? I feel like he's been looking for my replacement from the beginning. He would cling and cry and sob and ask for forgiveness when I try to break up with him... . but I'm sure that if one of these women actually said yes to him, he would drop me like a hot coal. I think his struggle has been in finding one that will say yes. I think he could be close with this new one... . the constant texting back and forth, when I asked her about their relationship she told me they are just friends and it will remain that way, but she said "You have a great boyfriend. He's a doll!" That comment makes me not trust what is really going on and how in-depth this "friendship" is. And she lives in the same town as him... . I don't.

So with all of this said (sorry it's so long but I need to vent) I am asking myself WHY am I in this? Why does it seem to hurt more when I let go of the relationship than when I am in it? All of these things cause me a lot of hurt. But when I end it the hurt feels like it's compounded x100. In the relationship, I feel empty and alone. There are many things I love ABOUT him. But am I "in love" with him or am I just blinded by all the things he's said to me?

Recently I told him I was looking at hotels in Thailand. I want to go there and since he's planning his trip to Mexico without me, I thought I could start planning my trip there even if it's a couple of years away. We had talked about going together someday but I didn't put much stock in this. When I told him I was looking at hotels there he asked when I was thinking of going. I said I didn't know yet. He said "If you wait until February maybe we can go together". I felt this spark of hope light up inside me, even despite his broken promises. I later realized... . he's taking his vacation in October to Mexico. There is no way his work would give him more time off to go to Thailand months later. It took a year and a half for him just to get the time off to go to Mexico. And he knows this too. So it's just another thing to give me hope and keep me hanging on. And that's what I've been doing this entire relationship. I've been hanging on to strings of hope. Hope for the next "moment" when I see him. He will constantly say things like "we will go to this or that together" and I spend my time looking forward to it, planning for it, waiting for that one weekend or trip together. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes he blows me off with an excuse that he has to work that weekend or something. I planned a camping trip for us that I talked about for months. I was excited for it. I paid for the campsite and everything. He promised he wanted to come and could come that weekend. Then when the time came, he blew me off again. I lost the money I paid for it... . and he didn't even seem to care. What the heck am I doing? This is not a normal relationship by any means. And each day I feel less and less special. But it's like he senses that and then plants these little seeds of hope. How can I be so stupid?

[Chunk Palumbo]

From my experience with both an exBPD and uBPDex, I can only answer a few of the questions in regard to what happened to me. Keep in mind, however, that people are different.

I am noticing more and more the lack of communication. In the beginning it seemed like we talked about so many things. He would call me daily and we would talk for hours on the phone several times a day. I realize this is the "ideal" of how all relationships start out. But now when he calls me, still several times a day, the conversation is empty and meaningless. I don't think he has anything much to talk about. It is always "how was work? What did you eat today?" We have silences where I feel I need to fill the space... . so to do that I will asking him what specific job he did at work today and it's like he lights up to be able to have something to talk about that is about him... . and he can go on for 10 minutes about that particular thing

The same with my uBPDex, unless she's in an excitable, happy mood and I'm painted white. I've found that keeping the focus on them is key to easing back into fluid conversation. I've often wondered why certain conversations have stopped dead in their tracks when they were going so well. But in retrospect, it has almost always been due to the pwBPD misinterpreting something I've said as invalidating their feelings or excitement, or something being taken as a dig.

For example:

pwBPD: "It's been so nice today. But I'm really tired now. I've been biking!"

Me: "I've been biking and trekking all summer! The weather's been great."

^this response could be taken as you switching the topic back to yourself.

It's ended at actual conversation I was having with the uBPDex once. What I should have done was shown more interest in her biking, rather than mention that we have something in common. At least, that's how I interpret it in hindsight. Why? When I've reacted with interest about her, the conversation rarely ever dies.

I also notice there is very little in the way of how I am doing. I have tested the theory of his interest in my life by making up little lies about my day like I did something new or plan to do something new... . just to see if he will remember it or ask about it later. For example I told him I bought a pass to start dance classes (not true... . I was considering it... . but I wanted to see if he would actually remember or care enough to ask about it later). He said something like "that's nice" then never mentioned or asked about it again. I got really sick once at work and had to leave and go to the hospital. I sent him a text telling him what happened. I had to turn my cellphone off while at the hospital b/c they don't allow cell phone use in the waiting room. He called MANY times. Then later when I talked to him he asked how I was etc. But even with follow up dr's appts etc he never asked again how I was doing, how I was feeling. Nothing. I had a major difficulty with my mom. I was devastated when my mom sent me an email saying I was spying on her so I could lock her up in a home and steal her money. My mom has been like my best friend for the last 10 years. We have always been very close. We have taken 4 trips together. But she has had 2 strokes and this has changed her drastically. He seemed uncomfortable with what to say. I was crying and he just kept saying not to worry about it, not to be sad, it's out of my control. He said he didn't like talking to me when I am upset! OK I can maybe understand that when I am upset with HIM... . but this was different. I needed support and it just wasn't there. And now he never asks about it... . how I feel, if I am ok, if I am working things out with her... . nothing

I've experienced this one, too. The last time it was when ended up in hospital after an accident. Because she was angry with me (we had argued just before the accident occurred), she never asked why - even when she painted me white again. And has never asked, to this day. I've told her about my dad being ill, and it having a strange effect on my feelings, but she confessed that she couldn't think of anything to say. (to her credit, she said she'd be there if I wanted to talk).

There'll be instances where she'll never ask about me or what I've been doing in life. But I stopped being too concerned with it, whatever her reasons are. At the end of all this, she'll sometimes turn around and call me elusive. But it's really because she hardly ever asks (anymore).

He texts other women constantly. I wonder what he can possibly have to say to them? What does he have to say that he doesn't say to me? He calls me... . and I used to take some solace in the fact that I am the only one he actually calls and talks to every day, even if our conversations are totally lacking. But I see last night, before he called me, he tried calling one of the women he texts with all the time. Like really? I feel like he's been looking for my replacement from the beginning. He would cling and cry and sob and ask for forgiveness when I try to break up with him... . but I'm sure that if one of these women actually said yes to him, he would drop me like a hot coal. I think his struggle has been in finding one that will say yes. I think he could be close with this new one... . the constant texting back and forth, when I asked her about their relationship she told me they are just friends and it will remain that way, but she said "You have a great boyfriend. He's a doll!" That comment makes me not trust what is really going on and how in-depth this "friendship" is. And she lives in the same town as him... . I don't

From my experience, it's likely he's texting these other women and asking them about their lives, or they're asking him. It's also possible that he's seeking a light, fun, frivolous type of conversation in order to escape any emotion-based, intimate conversation he has with you. I can't say if he's cheating, but it does look like he has options.

Where I went wrong when I first encountered this situation was withdrawing myself, thinking that she'd either get over it and come back to me, or that it was a no-win scenario - that I'd already lost her. My advice would be to try and keep things light with him; light and sweet like a marshmallow. Try not to pull him into deep, introspective conversations about where your relationship is going or about what he isn't doing. That's the hardest, most excruciating thing to do.

So with all of this said (sorry it's so long but I need to vent) I am asking myself WHY am I in this? Why does it seem to hurt more when I let go of the relationship than when I am in it? All of these things cause me a lot of hurt. But when I end it the hurt feels like it's compounded x100. In the relationship, I feel empty and alone. There are many things I love ABOUT him. But am I "in love" with him or am I just blinded by all the things he's said to me?

Because you love him and love his troubled head. You likely love and remember the high he gives/gave you when he was infatuated, as well. I know what it's like.

. Then when the time came, he blew me off again. I lost the money I paid for it... . and he didn't even seem to care. What the heck am I doing? This is not a normal relationship by any means. And each day I feel less and less special. But it's like he senses that and then plants these little seeds of hope. How can I be so stupid?

This has also happened to me, repeatedly, on a smaller scale, but I didn't feel any less stupid. Just when you're about to give them up, they will change your mind. I'd paid for some very expensive tickets and she promised she'd come, but she flaked right at the last minute. Didn't seem to care that I'd lost non-refundable money, either. But I got over that, eventually.

Figures that the one occasion that I -didn't- expect her to turn up, and therefore didn't book the hotel, she turned up and wondered why I hadn't booked it. Hilarious, really.

My advice on being let down by him, would be to think about what you've lost and what you've gained: you've lost a bit of money, but you've gained the knowledge that he can be unreliable. Utilise that when making future decisions.

People make mistakes. You're not stupid, and you love him. I'd recommend taking some time out to get your head straight and to breathe from drama-free air, though. If you're feeling completely empty, you should try to fill your time with something else for a while.

Yeah, I'm not inferring that my ex's never caused (or continued to cause) feelings of emptiness to present themselves in me. But that was in the past and it's unhealthy. Today, the only sort of emptiness I feel is a small hole that appears when she's not around. As far as total hollowness, though? - I won't ever allow her to drain my being the way she nearly successfully did. And nor should you.

[eternity75]

Hi Chuck,

Thanks for your response... . you've given me some stuff to think about.

I don't understand what you mean that he maybe wants to escape the emotion based intimate conversation he might have with me by texting these other women. The only time we have emotion based conversation is when we have a fight. Unless you count the daily "I love you's". That's about as emotional as it gets. We are in a LDR so he shows more emotion and caring and affection when we are together. Those times are great. The rest of the time I feel like I'm in limbo... . and have this emptiness that doesn't go away.

I stopped making plans. If he says he wants to come visit me I tell him ok if he wants. If he talks about it right up until the day before I keep telling him he can come see me "if he wants" and that yes I would like to see him. If he asks me to buy the ticket for him to take the bus and pay me back  when he gets here I tell him ok as long as he's sure he will be here. He then gets sad when I say that and I simply say "well sometimes you change your mind". It is difficult not planning things with him because I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and I don't know when I'll see him again... . but at the same time it avoids disappointment. I wish he would stop making empty promises that he knows will not happen though. Like the Thailand thing. Or for 2 months he kept saying he would come here for a festival I wanted to go to. He asked many times what the dates of the festival were and kept saying he would come for it. I could *feel* as it drew near and he mentioned it less and less that it wasn't going to happen. I was disappointed big time. I ended up breaking up with him before that weekend. I think part of it was avoiding the disappointment of knowing he was going to back out of another "promise".

The past cheating also makes me feel like I'm going insane. He downplayed so much of it, especially the emotional affairs with other women, the sex messages to them etc. The one time he physically cheated he begged for forgiveness and cried for hours and clung to me to keep me from leaving. Days later he began messaging women on his facebook about sex. Most of these women lived far away from him, but some were in his town. I don't know if he was just testing the waters and trying to boost his ego or if he really would have hooked up with them. My feeling is if given the opportunity he would. But this could just be my own trust issues too. Which is why I feel I'm going crazy. I try to keep track of what he is doing which only serves to make things worse. My mind is filled with so many mixed emotions... . I'm on a rollercoaster... . many times of my own making because he is calm all the time and never appears to let anything get to him, even though I know on the inside he is a complete mess of thought and emotion, he never shows it. So my mind is going crazy most of the time wondering who are these women, why does he text them all the time, what does he talk to them about etc... . and meanwhile he's *acting* completely calm and centered while I am an emotional mess.

I have always been the calm centered person in my world. Now I feel like a mental patient.

[Chunk Palumbo]

I don't understand what you mean that he maybe wants to escape the emotion based intimate conversation he might have with me by texting these other women. The only time we have emotion based conversation is when we have a fight. Unless you count the daily "I love you's". That's about as emotional as it gets. We are in a LDR so he shows more emotion and caring and affection when we are together. Those times are great. The rest of the time I feel like I'm in limbo... . and have this emptiness that doesn't go away

By emotion-based conversation, I refer to any sort of conversation involving emotional attachment. Sorry, I should've been clearer. This could even mean speaking and discussing things as a committed couple, planning coupley things together, etc.

I personally believe E-communication detrimental in these kind of relationships. But that's based on personal experience.

The past cheating also makes me feel like I'm going insane. He downplayed so much of it, especially the emotional affairs with other women, the sex messages to them etc. The one time he physically cheated he begged for forgiveness and cried for hours and clung to me to keep me from leaving. Days later he began messaging women on his facebook about sex.

Doing the same thing days later is something you'll have to look at. I've spoken, discussed, and agreed to things with my uBPDex, but it's never been reset a few days later. Months later, yes. But days? I'm not sure what to make of that, besides the suggestion of therapy.

Most of these women lived far away from him, but some were in his town. I don't know if he was just testing the waters and trying to boost his ego or if he really would have hooked up with them. My feeling is if given the opportunity he would. But this could just be my own trust issues too. Which is why I feel I'm going crazy.

.

I doubt the actuality of your SO sending sexual messages to others, and you worrying about whether or not he's cheating, has anything to do with you having trust issues. What you're doing in this case is blaming yourself for his behaviours. You have to be able to notice when you're doing this. Try not to take responsibility for his actions, especially when they hurt you.

It took me a while to dismantle this patterned practice with my pwBPD and uBPDex, but you'll get there.

my mind is going crazy most of the time wondering who are these women, why does he text them all the time, what does he talk to them about etc...

Probably sources of validation; be that validation of his own attractiveness, or an interpretation of sexual love. I'm sorry I can't suggest a path to take from here, bar reading some of the helpful articles provided on this site. It's a complicated issue. He could be looking for as much attention as possible from as many women as he could in order to temporarily satiate his need to feel desired.

I apologise for not being able to give any further, in-detail advice; I'm still learning myself.