From my experience with both an exBPD and uBPDex, I can only answer a few of the questions in regard to what happened to me. Keep in mind, however, that people are different.
I am noticing more and more the lack of communication. In the beginning it seemed like we talked about so many things. He would call me daily and we would talk for hours on the phone several times a day. I realize this is the "ideal" of how all relationships start out. But now when he calls me, still several times a day, the conversation is empty and meaningless. I don't think he has anything much to talk about. It is always "how was work? What did you eat today?" We have silences where I feel I need to fill the space... . so to do that I will asking him what specific job he did at work today and it's like he lights up to be able to have something to talk about that is about him... . and he can go on for 10 minutes about that particular thing
The same with my uBPDex, unless she's in an excitable, happy mood and I'm painted white. I've found that keeping the focus on them is key to easing back into fluid conversation. I've often wondered why certain conversations have stopped dead in their tracks when they were going so well. But in retrospect, it has almost always been due to the pwBPD misinterpreting something I've said as invalidating their feelings or excitement, or something being taken as a dig.
For example:
pwBPD: "It's been so nice today. But I'm really tired now. I've been biking!"
Me: "I've been biking and trekking all summer! The weather's been great."
^this response could be taken as you switching the topic back to yourself.
It's ended at actual conversation I was having with the uBPDex once. What I should have done was shown more interest in her biking, rather than mention that we have something in common. At least, that's how I interpret it in hindsight. Why? When I've reacted with interest about her, the conversation rarely ever dies.
I also notice there is very little in the way of how I am doing. I have tested the theory of his interest in my life by making up little lies about my day like I did something new or plan to do something new... . just to see if he will remember it or ask about it later. For example I told him I bought a pass to start dance classes (not true... . I was considering it... . but I wanted to see if he would actually remember or care enough to ask about it later). He said something like "that's nice" then never mentioned or asked about it again. I got really sick once at work and had to leave and go to the hospital. I sent him a text telling him what happened. I had to turn my cellphone off while at the hospital b/c they don't allow cell phone use in the waiting room. He called MANY times. Then later when I talked to him he asked how I was etc. But even with follow up dr's appts etc he never asked again how I was doing, how I was feeling. Nothing. I had a major difficulty with my mom. I was devastated when my mom sent me an email saying I was spying on her so I could lock her up in a home and steal her money. My mom has been like my best friend for the last 10 years. We have always been very close. We have taken 4 trips together. But she has had 2 strokes and this has changed her drastically. He seemed uncomfortable with what to say. I was crying and he just kept saying not to worry about it, not to be sad, it's out of my control. He said he didn't like talking to me when I am upset! OK I can maybe understand that when I am upset with HIM... . but this was different. I needed support and it just wasn't there. And now he never asks about it... . how I feel, if I am ok, if I am working things out with her... . nothing
I've experienced this one, too. The last time it was when ended up in hospital after an accident. Because she was angry with me (we had argued just before the accident occurred), she never asked why - even when she painted me white again. And has never asked, to this day. I've told her about my dad being ill, and it having a strange effect on my feelings, but she confessed that she couldn't think of anything to say. (to her credit, she said she'd be there if I wanted to talk).
There'll be instances where she'll never ask about me or what I've been doing in life. But I stopped being too concerned with it, whatever her reasons are. At the end of all this, she'll sometimes turn around and call me elusive. But it's really because she hardly ever asks (anymore).
He texts other women constantly. I wonder what he can possibly have to say to them? What does he have to say that he doesn't say to me? He calls me... . and I used to take some solace in the fact that I am the only one he actually calls and talks to every day, even if our conversations are totally lacking. But I see last night, before he called me, he tried calling one of the women he texts with all the time. Like really? I feel like he's been looking for my replacement from the beginning. He would cling and cry and sob and ask for forgiveness when I try to break up with him... . but I'm sure that if one of these women actually said yes to him, he would drop me like a hot coal. I think his struggle has been in finding one that will say yes. I think he could be close with this new one... . the constant texting back and forth, when I asked her about their relationship she told me they are just friends and it will remain that way, but she said "You have a great boyfriend. He's a doll!" That comment makes me not trust what is really going on and how in-depth this "friendship" is. And she lives in the same town as him... . I don't
From my experience, it's likely he's texting these other women and asking them about their lives, or they're asking him. It's also possible that he's seeking a light, fun, frivolous type of conversation in order to escape any emotion-based, intimate conversation he has with you. I can't say if he's cheating, but it does look like he has options.
Where I went wrong when I first encountered this situation was withdrawing myself, thinking that she'd either get over it and come back to me, or that it was a no-win scenario - that I'd already lost her. My advice would be to try and keep things light with him; light and sweet like a marshmallow. Try not to pull him into deep, introspective conversations about where your relationship is going or about what he isn't doing. That's the hardest, most excruciating thing to do.
So with all of this said (sorry it's so long but I need to vent) I am asking myself WHY am I in this? Why does it seem to hurt more when I let go of the relationship than when I am in it? All of these things cause me a lot of hurt. But when I end it the hurt feels like it's compounded x100. In the relationship, I feel empty and alone. There are many things I love ABOUT him. But am I "in love" with him or am I just blinded by all the things he's said to me?
Because you love him and love his troubled head. You likely love and remember the high he gives/gave you when he was infatuated, as well. I know what it's like.
. Then when the time came, he blew me off again. I lost the money I paid for it... . and he didn't even seem to care. What the heck am I doing? This is not a normal relationship by any means. And each day I feel less and less special. But it's like he senses that and then plants these little seeds of hope. How can I be so stupid?
This has also happened to me, repeatedly, on a smaller scale, but I didn't feel any less stupid. Just when you're about to give them up, they will change your mind. I'd paid for some very expensive tickets and she promised she'd come, but she flaked right at the last minute. Didn't seem to care that I'd lost non-refundable money, either. But I got over that, eventually.
Figures that the one occasion that I -didn't- expect her to turn up, and therefore didn't book the hotel, she turned up and wondered why I hadn't booked it. Hilarious, really.
My advice on being let down by him, would be to think about what you've lost and what you've gained: you've lost a bit of money, but you've gained the knowledge that he can be unreliable. Utilise that when making future decisions.
People make mistakes. You're not stupid, and you love him. I'd recommend taking some time out to get your head straight and to breathe from drama-free air, though. If you're feeling completely empty, you should try to fill your time with something else for a while.
Yeah, I'm not inferring that my ex's never caused (or continued to cause) feelings of emptiness to present themselves in me. But that was in the past and it's unhealthy. Today, the only sort of emptiness I feel is a small hole that appears when she's not around. As far as total hollowness, though? - I won't ever allow her to drain my being the way she nearly successfully did. And nor should you.