do you now have two side to yourself?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

at times i feel ok with all this

kinda seem like i now have two sides

side one , is me im ok doing everyday things living life starting to think clearly again

side two, comes out when i hear anything about her hands shake cold chills feel ill start to want her again not that i dont some all the time.

her mom told me today her new b/f got arrested this past weekend wow did i shake and have small panic attact

[simplyasiam]

at times i feel ok with all this

kinda seem like i now have two sides

side one , is me im ok doing everyday things living life starting to think clearly again

side two, comes out when i hear anything about her hands shake cold chills feel ill start to want her again not that i dont some all the time.

her mom told me today her new b/f got arrested this past weekend wow did i shake and have small panic attact

[sadinnc98]

I definitely feel like I go through periods of being ok/content... . that alternate with sadness/hurt, etc... and it hits me at random times. This is tough stuff

[simplyasiam]

yes it is tuff and when deep down you really want back its harder. im so up and down about this feel like if i met someone new i would go with it but kina think if she came back around i would walk away from other new person. i feel foolish feeling this way. i mean she with someone new

[thisyoungdad]

Sometimes I can feel like I have two sides where one minute I am so glad to be out of the relationship and the next I miss "her" as in the her I thought she was. I have been learning though that if I just sit with it and don't talk about it or ruminate with friends about it that I don't give it power or energy and it subsides relatively quick. My friends are pretty good now though at helping me see that what I am missing isn't reality and so that feeling of having two sides to me in regards to this issue is slowly, and I mean slowly, resolving itself with time and space.

[changingme]

Yes!

I think this has become the hardest part of recovering.  I can switch within seconds and I feel myself going up and down of highs and lows all day long. 

[Ittookthislong]

yes i have 2 sides. as well as constantly fluxuating responses to my thoughts.

i think in general i like to try to be a good person. personality 1 well call it, and i look at peoples intentions. i believe theres a brain in your head and in your heart and try to consistently use both.

in this scenario though, this good person thing just isnt working. trying to forgive is so hard and then i feel guilt for still feeling so hateful. That gentle mentality isnt strong enough to get me through this i think, so i actually made a pact with the big guy upstairs... . i said i will make it up but right now i really gotta use this angry, vindictive side... . mind you, i wont do anything to harm anyone, i just mean finding a way to tap into the anger to benefit myself. for example for the longest time i couldnt get myself going and motivated, the feeling is so heart sinking and guilt doesnt help. but this person has really made me feel like a loser and beating myself up for being pissed is pouring salt in my own wounds.

now ill be in cycling/spinning class at the gym, and listening to the music loud and clenching my jaws. if someone could read my mind id be ashamed because its mother f this and that bleepin $*&^$. but it is helping. its getting me in the right direction and i just picture an imaginary tipping scale now everything i do. literally, the more work i get done today the more anger i burn, the harder i work out the more i take from the anger fuel reserve in my body. the visualization works for me and im finally making progress after falling apart over everything.

i also imagine that im gonna have uncomfortable feelings for a while, but they wont always be there, and i m ay as well suffer through lots of self imporvement stuff i never wanted to do... . since i feel miserable anyway, and it makes me feel better knowing that with every step i take im slowly making a larger availibility of healthy, non-trauma enducing people in my life in the future. potential future BPDs are dropping off like flies.

one day, when its safe maybe ill be able to relax into being my gentler previous self, but for now i just cant do that.

[jollygreen]

Since my breakup of a 3 year BPD relationship, I find my self much more sociable with coworkers, friends, family, and new people I meet.  I guess more open.  And in general I put on an heir of happiness.  But deep down I'm so so tired.  Every day feels the same to me inside and I don't know what I'm going on for.  I don't really get excited about anything.  I  don't drink or do drugs.  Life just seems dull. So I've got a happy sociable side in front of people.  But alone I just feel disinterested in everything and tired.

[snappafcw]

JollyGreen i feel you I'm experiencing the same problem. I do drink a little bit apart from that I'm very social its a part of my job. Also my career as taken a very upward turn and I'm financially secure for the first time in a very long time. I feel blessed in that department but that aside i find I'm asking myself whats the point. I'm sure things will get better for us