She's getting married to the new guy

[huhhuh]

bad day... . I checked her facebook just to find out that she is already setting up marrige with the new guy. It has just been months since she tried to manipulate me into thinking we still had a change and keep me a secret to her new guy and her new guy a secret to me.

I guess I shoulden't be surprised after reading all the posts here, but it just amazes me how they can manipulate and lie without any remorse what so ever.

oh well... She most likely will not change and become a good person just because she is getting married, so I guess the new guy is up for a bumpy ride later in life and I shouldn't be jaloux. (except I am)

[Reg]

Hi Huhhuh,

Don't be jealous, the next relationship is not any better then the previous one... .   She is now in phase 1 or an early 2 of 'bordeline love', idealisation etc, and we all know what comes next, the fear for abandonment when their needs are no longer fullfilled.

What we nons see as manipulation, lies, cheating, is in fact the defense system of the borderline.  It is not them, it is the borderline.  Understanding that has given me a total different view on my ex partner.

A borderline is not to become a good person as we nons se a good person just like that, it is a borderline... .   and it is controlling her life.  And if you don't let go, yours as well.

My ex borderline refused help as so many do, it was her choice, but remember we have a choice ourselves.  Sometimes we have to face ourselves before understanding that .

Hang in there, it is just a bad day, you can still change that ! 

Reg

[huhhuh]

thank you for your thoughts.

Yes. I know her new relationship/marrige will break soon or later because of her NPD/BPD. I'm not trying to be evil or anything, but it is a comfort to know that it will break at some time.

I was getting better with the detachment but fell into the old "just checking her facebook" trap. I will never do that again.

[dangoldfool]

huhhuh, Just remember to try not getting any information at all from friends family facebook texting, phone. All will bring you right back to a bad day, week, or month. The longer you can go without finding out any information the better for you.

I made this mistake just recently by accident. My sister-in-law called me and said she talked to my ex BPD GF. I should have stopped her as soon as she said that. But I let her tell me what she said. It wasn't anything about me, but what the GF was doing. But even that trivial bit of information, was enough to set me back a bit.

It hard to keep from wondering about them. But to get better faster, you just have to not care for them, just like they don't care for us. Even if they claim they do. They are masters at lying. Best of luck to you. 

[huhhuh]

you just have to not care for them, just like they don't care for us.

And that is the hard part. But I will try.

[Ironmanrises]

Huh,

I am so sorry that you had to witness that. I can only imagine how awful that must have been. Both times that my exUBPDgf left me, I went NC... . Currently I am at 44 days NC. I closed my Facebook and Instagram permanently after the 2nd time. I would rather not know at all if she is with someone else. My self esteem has already taken such a battering that any information of that nature would destroy me. They say ignorance is bliss. I know that is really cliche. I subjected myself knowingly the 2nd time to letting her come back into my life to emotionally abuse me worse then the first time around. My NC was the very last barrier to protect what little remained of my Ironman suit which she literally blew holes through.

[sadinnc98]

I am so sorry-I know that must be incredibly painful. I can just about bet that whatever happens with her and the new guy won't last. Try to stay away from social media-I know its tempting but its just so painful  

[Bananas]

Hey huhuh,

I can really relate to your post, I wrote a similar one about a month ago.  My ex is married already. Things ended with us in March, he got engaged to some about a month later and was married a month after that.  It's OK to have a bad day!   I had a bad week that week!  It's a tough thing to deal with.

Some things that helped me work through things a little bit were to take myself out of the situation and look at it from an objective staNPDoint.  It's crazy!  Now I know people meet and get married quickly sometimes, but having it come so quickly out of such a mess, just doesn't seem like it is a marriage built on a stable foundation.  If your ex has BPD marriage is not going to fix her.  It will most likely trigger her more.

Another thing that helped me was to be honest with myself in that whether or not the new relationship lasts or doesn't last, does not change the fact that my relationship with my ex was not healthy.  It does not change the fact that at the end of our relationship he treated me like a piece of trash.  

Sounds weird, but I am also practicing being happy for them.  Fake it until you make it works a little bit.  When people talk to me about my ex (we have a lot of mutual acquaintances because we work together) and say "I can't believe ex got married so quickly" I say "yeah, but I wish them nothing but happiness and I hope it works out for them."  The more I say it the more detached I feel.  

Hang in there, you are not alone.  It is OK to feel bad right now.  However, if you are having even the smallest moments of happiness right now be very mindful of what you are doing and feeling and embrace that too.

[huhhuh]

Some things that helped me work through things a little bit were to take myself out of the situation and look at it from an objective staNPDoint.  It's crazy!  Now I know people meet and get married quickly sometimes, but having it come so quickly out of such a mess, just doesn't seem like it is a marriage built on a stable foundation.

You are right. It's crazy. mindblowing crazy to go from one bad relationship (with me) and then already going to marry the new guy so quickly. It cannot be healthy from an objective staNPDoint.

And I guess you are right that, if I try to change my own mindset and just try to be happy about her new life when people ask about her, I might eventually believe it myself

[me757]

Sounds weird, but I am also practicing being happy for them.  Fake it until you make it works a little bit.  When people talk to me about my ex (we have a lot of mutual acquaintances because we work together) and say "I can't believe ex got married so quickly" I say "yeah, but I wish them nothing but happiness and I hope it works out for them."  The more I say it the more detached I feel.  

I've been doing this as well recently and strangely it helps me detach a lot more. The last time I talked to my ex I wished her the best with marriage and I seemed like I was very passed it all. We broke up 9 months ago and she got engaged and married within 6-7 months of that while trying to hold on to me and cheating on her husband with me. I could tell it pissed her off that I wished her the best and didn't seem upset. Sometimes I think they want to see you crushed and when you aren't it hurts their ego.