practical advice on how to handle LC

[babyducks]

  everyone

I could use some practical advice on how to handle LC with my EX.

We split up 4 months ago, my idea, I left her.  One of our endless circular arguments degraded to the point where literally the relationship couldn't survive it.

We were a high conflict couple and we didn't so much argue as we eviscerated each other verbally.  Very early on I knew that wasn't going to work and I came here and tried to learn the tools of SET and Validation. 

In our last argument I was trying to validate like mad.  And trying to SET.  I don't know how successful I was, apparently not very since things ratcheted up.   At the very end of the argument, my EX said something that was just so painful, so incredibly hurtful, that my ability to cope just shattered.  And in a violent echo from a broken heart, as I turned away from her I struck a wall with my fist.  The wall I hit was concrete and I broke my hand quite badly.

That was enough for me.   My rule,  my boundary was that hitting was no good.  It didn't matter who hit what.  Hitting was a deal breaker.

So I ended the r/s.  Abruptly, because I was not particularly able to speak to her without coming apart emotionally.   

She doesn't appear to accept that.  She has contacted me several times, each time with innocuous small chatter.  And she continues to show up at places where I frequent.  Some of those places she doesn't really have a need to be at.

Bumping into her once or twice a week is very damaging for me.   Rips the band aid off the wound. 

I have been handling it by either just ignoring her or nodding and saying hello and moving on.   That doesn't appear to be working well for me.

Last night we were in a gathering together, about 30 people all told.  It was very awkward and left me quite rattled and upset.   

I never know when or where she is going to show up or not. So, NC isn't an option.

Suggestions on how I respond to her in public?  Any thoughts on what I do with the emotional turmoil it generates in me when I see her.   Any of you that have to have contact because of kids and family, or work have any tricks up your sleeve?   

babyducks

[Ironmanrises]

Baby ducks,

I am really sorry you are undergoing all of that. I can feel the sorrow and anger in your words. It isn't fair at all that you are placed in such a no win situation where you still have to encounter that person. I honestly wouldn't know what to do if that was me, I would probably just break down and cry. Maybe the people on the other boards who are still in relationships with their SO in some shape or form would know how to navigate and steer in such uncomfortable waters. I feel for you. The exposure only further hurts you. Her denial only further damages you. Know that you are not alone.

[Hazelrah]

Babyducks,

I haven't had to see my separated BPDw in two months... . I can understand how difficult it must be though, as I dread the next time I see her face.  I'll probably curl up like a baby and cry.  Our only contact is via e-mail, and usually consists of very terse communication about things like picking up possessions, legal stuff, etc.  Every now and again, the conversation will hit on our relationship's failings, and these are incredibly painful to both write and receive.  I've found that letting her messages sit for 5 or 6 days before I read them helps me detach emotionally, just a bit.  It also helps me feel as if her emotions might have cooled down in the interim, as well.  I don't know if that qualifies as a mild example of avoidance, but I find I simply can't read and react to her communications without giving myself some considerable space first. 

[Bananas]

Babyducks, I am no expert because I am new to this whole PD thing but I have to work with my ex so NC is also not an option for me.  It is getting better and easier!

In the first few months, when I would bump into my ex at work, it seemed to erase any progress I had made in my healing.  The nodding and ignoring thing also did not work for me.  I tried everything: being nice, ignoring, making angry faces back, all of it made me feel crappy.  However I responded, the end result was always the same. 

Contact is a double edge sword to me now, but it took me almost six months to see the positive side of it. and it has actually helped me to heal.

First, I try to keep my contact as limited as all possible.  I changed my work schedule, changed my break schedule where I park my car, etc.  So for now, if you can stay away from places she may be at it may be helpful.

I am not sure if your ex is calling or texting but what also helps me rather than blocking my ex, is that I actually changed my exes contact name in my phone to "Responding = Suffering".  To remind myself how things would go if I answered.

The other thing that helps me is being present.  Just taking the situation for what it is in the moment.  For me, lately my ex alternates in between acting like I don't exist, small chatter and evil stares.  Take it for what it is: disordered.  Think about it, really, you are asking me about the weather?  Is that all you have to say?  Or ignoring me? Really? We talked everyday for almost 3 years and you can't even say hello?

For me although each interaction with my ex is a bit painful, it does provide me with proof of sorts, that he is not the person i knew and loved, and is in fact someone different, and someone I would not want to even be friends with.  Each interaction has become less and less painful for me as in a way, each interaction is providing me with proof that the person I knew and loved does not exist.  The person I see now is very unhappy and actually can be quite mean.  If I met him now I would not even want to be his friend.  I don't hate him, but I don't really like him.

What do you want to get from contact?  What do you see when you observe your ex objectively?

For me the reason contact was making me feel crappy is that I was trying desperately to see the person I fell in love with.  There was quote I read on the staying board that really helped me make sense of what I wanted to get out of contact with my ex, but the reality of what it would be:

Constantly striving to regain that initial idealization phase is one of the biggest traps we fall into, it is like chasing the end of a rainbow. We believe we can see it hiding just behind the current drama. So we tackle this drama only to glimpse it just past the next, and so on, but never getting there

I hope this helps!

   

[heartandwhole]

babyducks,

That is such a tough situation, I can understand you feeling rattled.  I know I would have reacted very badly.  If only you could be NC for a little while, to get your bearings... . but of course you can't stop your life, and she will go where she wants to go.  

I haven't had to confront my pwBPD since our breakup over a year ago, so I'm afraid I don't have good advice for you.  In the case where my ex showed up where I was, I think I would try to focus very strongly on myself, my physical sensations, listening to and laser-focusing on the person/thing I happen to be engaging with, and try to tune out where my ex is and what she is doing.  Keeping even hellos at a minimum.

So much easier said than done, huh?  

I'm sure some experienced members will chime in.  I'm here to cheer you on.  You are doing amazingly well.

heart  

[seeking balance]

Tough situation baby ducks.

I wish I could tell you LC in the beginning worked for me, but I can't.  I needed NC so I could heal.  You summed it up with what you wrote:

Bumping into her once or twice a week is very damaging for me.   Rips the band aid off the wound.

NC does not have to be forever, but maybe changing up your patterns and doing things where you can control who is there for the next few months might help you heal to where you can see her and nod and it won't bother you so much.

Time to process and balance out your own emotions is really key.  I know this isn't quite the answer you are hoping for - but I also think to continue ripping off a band aid is going to be really painful.

Peace,

SB

[babyducks]

Thanks Everyone,

You guys rock.  Thanks for your help.

To Bananas, she doesn't call,  texts and emails every once and a while. I am pretty good with that.   The current problem is she is volunteering at the organization across the street from my home.   She is doing their gardening so every couple of days she is literally in my front yard.   That's a tough one.

I liked what waverider wrote.  I had to think about it quite a lot and I am sure there are wrinkles to the blanket I haven't figured out yet but if I had contact with my EX I would like to know she is okay.  Doing okay.  And I don't think I am going to get that because all evidence points to her behavior being pretty disordered.

We had a 'sudden death' breakup, initiated by me, but like many of us I would love to have some closure and some sense of peace that we both accept the decision, that neither of us hates the other, and that we both wish each other well.   I am not sure those are realistic expectations considering that our experiences of the r/s were so different.

Yeah seeking balance, time to sort out my own emotions is key.   Today I am not even sure what emotions I am trying to sort.   When I saw her Friday night she was cycling up into a maniac stage and for some reason that triggered the weird enmeshed emotions going in me.   Don't know why yet.

I am wondering if the reason the contact is so hard is I am feeling and responding to the pressure to react to her presence.   It feels like she wants a 'reaction', and G-d Only Knows What that could be, certainly I was never good at figuring out what she wanted. 

I am not trusting my own judgment here at all.   So I appreciate all your input.   It helps center my thinking enough so I have the chance to do the right thing for me.   

babyducks

[Learning_curve74]

babyducks, you're obviously having a hard time when you bump into your ex or have any communication with her. One suggestion that my T gave me was to always be around multiple people in situations where I thought I might run into her. It may not take away the bad feelings but I also don't have to interact with her. I think we just have to realize that we will feel bad any time we see our BPDex until we reach an advanced stage of nonattachment.

I'm not that far into NC, but I've also given up a few activities and places I used to frequent with her until I feel safer. It really sucks because I miss the interaction with other friends, but I am making the effort to spend time with some of them outside the normal routine and places.

Another thing that I used to tell my BPDex that might apply here is to avoid reading any hidden meaning into their words and actions. Just take then at face value, then there is no need to reply. Easier said than done for those who are very reflective, but worth trying to train yourself to do that. It's like politely ignoring somebody who doesn't have anything of value to say to you.