Now my parents are involved

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 53 years old and my 80 year old father and 74 year old mother are worried about me.  They know a little bit of what's going on with live-in uBPDbf and me.  I'd be worried too if either of my daughters were in this situation.  I'd move hell and high water to get them out and I'm sure that's what my parents want to do to me.  I guess they have to give me some space considering that I'm not a kid, but I'm still their kid so I guess I understand how they feel. 

This is sort of a rambling post because I need to express myself. I hope this is the right board for this. 

The crazy part is that my father called my mother (they've been divorced for 25 years but are friendly when it involves their kids/grandkids) to ask her to check up on me while he's on vacation for a few more weeks.  I called to ask if I could stay at his house for a bit to get away from uBPDbf.  That brought him into the situation and I do regret that.  The last thing I want to do is involve them.  When I needed to get away before I'd pay for a hotel room just so I wouldn't involve them.  Since he was away, I fugured I'd go to his house but I had to ask since I didn't feel comfortable just using my key to go in and not saying anything.

Now that they both know that there are serious problems in my living situation, I almost have no choice but to leave, which is really what I want to do anyway I just haven't yet gotten the kick I need.  Maybe my old parents being worried is the kick I need.  Ugh ... . I just feel almost sick to my stomach over what I've gotten myself into and now what I've brought my parents (and to a lesser extent my grown kids) into.

I don't know where this post is going, I just know I need to act like the 53 year old that I am and do what's necessary for me.  Why is that so much easier said than done?

[toomanyeggshells]

I'm 53 years old and my 80 year old father and 74 year old mother are worried about me.  They know a little bit of what's going on with live-in uBPDbf and me.  I'd be worried too if either of my daughters were in this situation.  I'd move hell and high water to get them out and I'm sure that's what my parents want to do to me.  I guess they have to give me some space considering that I'm not a kid, but I'm still their kid so I guess I understand how they feel. 

This is sort of a rambling post because I need to express myself. I hope this is the right board for this. 

The crazy part is that my father called my mother (they've been divorced for 25 years but are friendly when it involves their kids/grandkids) to ask her to check up on me while he's on vacation for a few more weeks.  I called to ask if I could stay at his house for a bit to get away from uBPDbf.  That brought him into the situation and I do regret that.  The last thing I want to do is involve them.  When I needed to get away before I'd pay for a hotel room just so I wouldn't involve them.  Since he was away, I fugured I'd go to his house but I had to ask since I didn't feel comfortable just using my key to go in and not saying anything.

Now that they both know that there are serious problems in my living situation, I almost have no choice but to leave, which is really what I want to do anyway I just haven't yet gotten the kick I need.  Maybe my old parents being worried is the kick I need.  Ugh ... . I just feel almost sick to my stomach over what I've gotten myself into and now what I've brought my parents (and to a lesser extent my grown kids) into.

I don't know where this post is going, I just know I need to act like the 53 year old that I am and do what's necessary for me.  Why is that so much easier said than done?

[slimmiller]

Now that they both know that there are serious problems in my living situation, I almost have no choice but to leave, which is really what I want to do anyway I just haven't yet gotten the kick I need.  Maybe my old parents being worried is the kick I need.  Ugh ... . I just feel almost sick to my stomach over what I've gotten myself into and now what I've brought my parents (and to a lesser extent my grown kids) into.

I don't know where this post is going, I just know I need to act like the 53 year old that I am and do what's necessary for me.  Why is that so much easier said than done?

That above sentence almost sounds like you are blaming yourself. Its easy to do that but remember, we dont choose (at least not consciously) to be in the BPD mess. The BPDs do however provide/validate something within us. They are mirror and illusion artists, seducing us into their web to fill their needs. I dont think any of us would ever consider being with our BPDs (or exs) if the crazy was obvious from the start. My point is, dont blame yourself. Doing so handicaps our logical thinking and they control us by keeping us off balance.

It is easier said then done. Believe me I know. In my case it took her finally blatantly cheating lying and more cheating and lying till I finally 'got' it. She commited every offense in the book to push me to finally 'let go'

Sounds like you are doing the right thing by taking a little time and creating some space

[Surnia]

Toomanyeggshells

I can relate that you are feeling uncomfortable about drawing your father in... .

When my marriage was very high conflicted and I felt so relieved when my h was away, there came a point were I started to tell other people around what happened. Parents, co-workers. First I felt not good about this, some offered her help, a bed should it get worse ... . than I realized that it was also a progress, something changed. I think it was the beginning of making healthy moves.

[toomanyeggshells]

That above sentence almost sounds like you are blaming yourself. Its easy to do that but remember, we dont choose (at least not consciously) to be in the BPD mess.

Oh but I do blame myself.  I thought I knew him before we started living together but really I didn't.  I blame myself for not going slower, for a lot of things relating to him and the end of my marriage to my x-h.

My point is, dont blame yourself. Doing so handicaps our logical thinking and they control us by keeping us off balance.

I love that second sentence.  I'm going to keep remining myself of that.  Thanks.

First I felt not good about this, some offered her help, a bed should it get worse ... . than I realized that it was also a progress, something changed. I think it was the beginning of making healthy moves.

The beginning of making healthy moves ... . yes it is!  Thanks Surnia

[Lucky Jim]

Now that they both know that there are serious problems in my living situation, I almost have no choice but to leave, which is really what I want to do anyway I just haven't yet gotten the kick I need.

Hi Toomany, Well, of course you have a choice here, but to me the real question is why you haven't been able to leave before.  Presumably the same reasons, more or less, that kept me in a BPD r/s that was terrible for my self-esteem and nearly destroyed me financially, emotionally and physically.

Go easy on yourself.  BPD is an extremely complex disorder, in my view, and no one can ever really be prepared for the BPD tidal wave.  So don't blame yourself; instead, take good care of yourself.  If that means spending some time at your father's place, I'm all for it.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[P.F.Change]

What would it be like to make a decision because you want to make it, instead of because you feel pressure from other people or are worried about what they are thinking and feeling?

What do *you* need and want?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Cumulus]

Hi too many, was wondering as I read your post if some part of you didn't want to make your folks aware so as to give you the impetus to make changes. Once the knowledge is out there you can't put it back in the box. If others are aware you are more likely to acknowledge it to yourself. Just my thought. I wish you well. Cumulus.

[P.F.Change]

If others are aware you are more likely to acknowledge it to yourself. Just my thought.

I think that is a wise thought. We humans have a remarkable ability to deceive ourselves... . sometimes the concern or questions of others forces us to look more closely at reality. It gets harder to believe it's really "not that bad."

PF

[Lucky Jim]

Agree w/Cumulus & PF.  On some level, maybe you wanted to let the cat out of the bag in order to galvanize yourself into action.  If so, I view it as a good thing.  Plus, as PF notes, others can give you a reality check that sometimes we can't do for ourselves.  Hang in, Lucky Jim

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks for all your replies     I guess it is a better thing that my living situation is no longer "under wraps".  Now pretty much everyone I know knows that there are major issues.  I had given little bits of info to others, but not to my parents because I didn't want them to worry about me.  Now the cat's out of the bag.  I would say that now I do feel more of a responsibility to myself to get out of this situation.  I already know that I'm more unhappy than I've ever been in my life, that he will never take the necessary steps to help himself and that things won't change in the way he acts towards me.  I would definitely say that I'm moving in the right direction ... . slowly, but I'm getting there.