Helping child with lots of worries

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My gd8 has lots of anxiety from growing up in our home filled with intermittent chaos. Her mom, BPDDD27, has been in and out of our home over the course of gd's life. My dh and I have had legal custody since she was 18 months, though she has always lived in our home and we have always been involved in her care. Past couple of months things have been better with DD, though as the grandma I  have been irritable and inpatient. Hopeful gd being back in school now, and my having a little more self-care time, will help that a lot. We all need structure and routine.

She was dx with ADHD last spring while in 2nd grade. She is on Intuniv that helps with her hyperactivity and impulsivity - her "stop and think medicine". She will not be taking any stimulant meds. for attention due to high risks of aggression and both her parents issues with meth use - they have asked we not give her any 'head-starts' with stimulants. We saw this aggression with a very short trial on ritalin last spring.

Hard to sort out what attentional issues are brain-based and what are home environment based. The more I read current parenting books, the greater my awareness of how intricately these are intertwined. So I am pursuing a couple of new things this fall, in addition to her IEP team at school and T outside of school. I have to find ways to manage my own frustrations and get better at my validation and boudnaries with her.

Gd and I have started doing the workbook "What to Do When You WORRY Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety", Dawn Huebner, PhD. I got this book last year, gd was not interested in it. Now she is a willing participant as long as I pay attention to when she has done enough (usually just a couple of pages). We get it out about once a week or so. She was telling me how scared she was about going back to school, so we got it out last night and did a couple pages of the story part. It uses the analogy of planting a seed then when you tend it how it grows and grows. This can happen with worries too.  I think this will be a good experience for both of us.

The other opportunity for me is to attend a one day workshop with Heather Forbes, the author of the "Beyond Consequences" series of books and trainings. You can check this out on her website at https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/storeFront/showStoreFront

She is doing the "Help For Billy Live", a training for use in the classroom, in my area soon. I have read the first two books in her series, and they support the validation/boudnaries foundation that I have learned here at bpdfamily.com and in many other readings. I will let you know how it goes.

I am so imperfect in my attempts to be a better parent for my gd. Grateful for all those in my life that support me in changing myself. Our children often have much to overcome with BPD parents in their lives.

qcr

[qcarolr]

My gd8 has lots of anxiety from growing up in our home filled with intermittent chaos. Her mom, BPDDD27, has been in and out of our home over the course of gd's life. My dh and I have had legal custody since she was 18 months, though she has always lived in our home and we have always been involved in her care. Past couple of months things have been better with DD, though as the grandma I  have been irritable and inpatient. Hopeful gd being back in school now, and my having a little more self-care time, will help that a lot. We all need structure and routine.

She was dx with ADHD last spring while in 2nd grade. She is on Intuniv that helps with her hyperactivity and impulsivity - her "stop and think medicine". She will not be taking any stimulant meds. for attention due to high risks of aggression and both her parents issues with meth use - they have asked we not give her any 'head-starts' with stimulants. We saw this aggression with a very short trial on ritalin last spring.

Hard to sort out what attentional issues are brain-based and what are home environment based. The more I read current parenting books, the greater my awareness of how intricately these are intertwined. So I am pursuing a couple of new things this fall, in addition to her IEP team at school and T outside of school. I have to find ways to manage my own frustrations and get better at my validation and boudnaries with her.

Gd and I have started doing the workbook "What to Do When You WORRY Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety", Dawn Huebner, PhD. I got this book last year, gd was not interested in it. Now she is a willing participant as long as I pay attention to when she has done enough (usually just a couple of pages). We get it out about once a week or so. She was telling me how scared she was about going back to school, so we got it out last night and did a couple pages of the story part. It uses the analogy of planting a seed then when you tend it how it grows and grows. This can happen with worries too.  I think this will be a good experience for both of us.

The other opportunity for me is to attend a one day workshop with Heather Forbes, the author of the "Beyond Consequences" series of books and trainings. You can check this out on her website at https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/storeFront/showStoreFront

She is doing the "Help For Billy Live", a training for use in the classroom, in my area soon. I have read the first two books in her series, and they support the validation/boudnaries foundation that I have learned here at bpdfamily.com and in many other readings. I will let you know how it goes.

I am so imperfect in my attempts to be a better parent for my gd. Grateful for all those in my life that support me in changing myself. Our children often have much to overcome with BPD parents in their lives.

qcr

[mamachelle]

Hey qcr,

Thanks for sharing these resources. The workbook sounds good. I doubt I could get my kids to do it with me but I bet the kids' T's could. My SS10 is doing some workbook work with his new T and it looks like they are doing anger and emotion work from the pages he brought home. I will see if I can get the name of it for you and others.

Back to school time affects all my  (2 bio and 3 step) kids differently that have 1 BPD parent.

One thing I have found with my 3 step sons (9, 10, 15) is that their BPDmom used to put a very big emphasis on new stuff for back to school and the day itself. First day of kindergarten caused BPDbioMom to go into hysterics when SS10- her favorite child was going.

Anyway, since she has moved away and the kids have gotten older-- I've discovered that the boys all prefer to wear old clothes on the first day, re-use back packs, and generally feel better if I keep it simple with them.

School supplies I now buy through a plan with the PTO and though it might cost a bit more- there is no sales tax and I am not spending hours shopping for the cheapest versions and smallest groupings of things. Like trying to find 3 red pens when I can only buy 1 red pen or 12.    Also the school supplies are there on the first day all accounted for. We can still buy a cool folder or a couple things but really so much easier in the end. It reduces the anxiety for the 9 and 10 yo because they used to constantly bother me to buy and then touch and use and select special school supplies.

On the other hand for your gd8 she may be calmed by buying stuff for school and picking stuff out. For me, though, trying to buy stuff with a kid around always resulted in me being more stressed and the kid wanting to buy stuff that increased my costs by 25% at least.

With my 2DD 14 and 16-- who have a BPD Dad (that they have NC for 4 years)  it is a different dynamic. They like the new clothes and have less anxiety. However, I basically do not make a "big deal" of things with them either. Usually they want some new clothes but end up wearing older stuff anyway.

i don't know if this helps you or anyone, but since it's back to school time I am sure others are dealing with the anxiety that comes with it.

 mamachelle

[DreamGirl]

Have you considered meditation/mindfulness for her, qcr?

We have a workshop that discusses it: Meditation for Children under stress

blackandwhite's own mama suffered from BPD, and she often talked about certain ways that by just being able to build a child's resilience (like practicing mindfulness) can help them cope better - when you can't change their circumstances.

I love that you are always looking for any resource out there to help your GD. 

I was even thinking of enrolling in a Yoga class for my oldest SD16 and myself. She's pretty high strung. A worrier too. I am as well... .

Worry is such a hard emotion to regulate for anybody.   

~DreamGirl

[qcarolr]

Dreamgirl

Thanks for the link. I was not even aware this workshop was out there. I plan to try some of these with gd soon.

She seems to be a lot more confidant. Maybe this is because I am more settled past couple weeks. Sometimes it feels 'unfair' when I am overwhelmed and this impacts everyone else in my family so much. I need to be aware and practicing my own mindfulness.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Reading through the mindfulness activites for kids, I realize I already do many of these with gd everyday. When I am well regulated. That is the key peice. How can I guide her when I am feeling lost? As I have put energy into my morning mindfulness activities, gotten more excercise, and be consicous about finding humor in the daily life happenings things are better. I am not so lost today.

Preparing for the workshop with Heather Forbes in 2 weeks have read her books ":)aring to Love" and working on "Help for Billy". These are bringing back to mind so many other books i have read in past couple years. Especially the P.A.C.E books by Daniel Hughes ["Brain Based Parenting... . " and "Creating Loving Attachments"]. These all have a strong basis in attachemnt theory. Oh, also principles in "The Highly Sensitive Child" -- many of the strategies in that book I can see in Ms. Forbes books.

All of these theories and strategies come about within the structure of our world - building onto each other and the research into how people work. These all have an undergirding of the neurscience about development of humans in the past decade. I do struggle with the emphasis on enviromental factors - having to overcome feelings of blame - guilt as an unaware parent. Attachment theory also has a strong basis in trauma ie. PTSD. Some of the signs and symptoms, esp. with the young, can overlap with BPD tendencies. Maybe this is why many of our adult kids with BPD pursue PTSD treatments that do not result in long term improvement. This is topic for another board... .

The other topic that fits in here - with gd8's worries and recovering from the trauma of her young life - is relating to peers and their parents. Some of these parents (ie. the next door neighbors with 3 kids gd plays with most often) use Love and Logic based parenting. They struggle with what they perceive as defiance and disrespect from gd (esp. in picking up at the end of play, transistion to home at end of play). They are very open to talking with me though, and have been there to rescue us when things were really bad with DD27 - part of the safety plan. They have resigned from this role over past year, limiting at times contact with gd and their kids. This was so hard for gd to understand.

So Heather Forbes "Beyond Consequences" really has helped me in having a conversation with my neighbor. I even copied a few pages from the introductory chapter to help her understand how gd's needs my differ from her kids due to the chaos gd has experienced (and that they have been so aware of). L, the other mom, said to me "we know gd needs differ from our kids. her behaviors do feel so disrespectful and make it harder to teach our 3 kids what we mean by respect. we are tired of walking on eggshells with gd when she is here".  WOW - this comment opened my eyes. That I hope she and her dh can be open to maybe taking in some new perspectives. I have to be cautious and respectful of their parenting in trying to do this. L feels very overwhelmed coping with her 3 kids in many ways. We go to the same church and have participated in some parenting groups there together - sometimes hard, but good can come from this communication.

So many words -- thanks for letting me share this part of my story. Sorting out so many ideas.

qcr


The genetic piece is often not given much coverage - just a mention "Oh by the way". And for all of us with BPD or other mental illness in our families this is a very important piece. It can limit the effectivenss of the various tools - or require more unique application of the strategies. I plan to bring this question the the workshop with Heather Forbes. And maybe I will write to Daniel Hughes as well!