Can the signs of BPD change over time?

[confusedhubby]

I was wondering if anyone had any experience with a pwBPD who signs of the illness changed over time.

In my case, I am married to a diagnosed pwBPD. When we first met 14 years ago we went through the regular idealization stage. Looking back at it now however I realized that she had not split any of her ex boyfriends black when we first started to see each other (idealization stage). As normal for a BPD as time went on we became detached. She began to cheat, lie, self harm, substance abuse etc. After we broke up however her BPD traits began to display themselves at an alarming rate. She started to paint me black and met someone new. She began to mirror him. She pronounced her absolute love to him in 3 weeks and he moved in. She began to cheat on him etc. But none of these traits were present when I began seeing her some 14 years ago. Could it be that the BPD began to manifest itself later on in her life than others?


The one thing I will add is that in the 14 years we have been together, she has become a very heavy alcoholic (drinks about 1/2 a liter of vodka a day and weighs only 140 lbs)! 

Anyone ever hear of this patter before?

[seeking balance]

There are the 9 criteria that the DSM IV were clear on and the DSM V has made it more of a range of patterns.  Article 2 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm - outlines this further.

The bottom line is emotional dysregulation with a root of abandonment.  So, having a new maladaptive coping mechanism (drinking) to cover up the emotional pain would not be out of the norm.

You likely didn't see traits in her early on for a variety of reasons, but mainly, you were not yet close enough to push the abandonment button.

Cheating is a maladaptive coping mechanism to the perceived abandondment/engulfment button - it is a common coping style, but it is not a criteria for the disorder.

[Aussie0zborn]

I read an article today that suggested BPD symptoms dilute with age. I though this was very contrary to the real life experiences we read about here.

If we accept thqt BPD stems from a traumatic childhood experience, then the traits have always been there. Perhaps you did everything "right" in her eyes and never triggered her?

[VeryFree]

In my r/s of 10 years the signs were always there, but they became worse overtime.

I think it has to do with the amount of 'abandonment-threat'. After I chose to follow my own needs more than before, she showed behaviour I didn't see before, ending in more violence than she had ever showed.

After our separation it became even worse: painting black, stealing, lying. 

[Reg]

Interesting question which makes me look back also to the case of my own ex partner and someone else with BPD I knew who was living in my street.

In the period in our relationship where I was very validating, reassuring, motivating to my former partner, there were moments of more stability.

But I've also seen the fact that a relationship shortly before ours must have triggered the BPD to what I would name a higher level.  The sudden abandonment by that person, from one day on another and with no possibilities of contact at all again, seems to have made things a lot worse.

Before that her relationships were more stable, but she made very poor choices on partners, physically and sexually abusive ones in many cases... .

I also am rather convinced that every new trauma of 'abandonment' adds to the trauma and problems in the BPD mind.  It makes things worse.  Not that periods of more stability are no longer possible, but they seem to become less frequent.

Things may also get worse due to our own reactions, when things were getting to much I also asked invalidating questions to her, which certainly must have triggered her fears of abandonment, and the fact that I did not resolve all of her needs.

I've also been reading that with age the symptoms dilute, but I think one had to be in it's sixties by that time or older... .

As I've also seen the case of a pwBPD in my street, I've seen the results of serious alcohol abuse in her case, which also made things much worse in her case.

Reg

[blurry]

In my opinion, I'm convinced at times, especially while my relationship was long distance the first 4 month, I inadvertantly managed the relationship unknowingly.

Also I believe some people can behave naturally in a way that never "triggers" the pwBPD. For instance, the lessons on remaining detached or to stop making things worse, before trying to make them better, there's no logical reason why some people couldn't behave that way naturally without effort, thus never setting off the BPD and possibly never even suspecting their pwBPD even has an issue.

In my case, even if I did originally manage things unknowingly, or if it went so smooth the first 4 months because of the idealization phase, at this point, everything could be totally different 15 months later, as far as your question goes about " change", its a different ballgame now because I have built up resentment and no trust in her whatsoever, which could be causing me to call her out on things that I may not of called her out on 10 months ago.

Basically, not sure if her illness changed but my feelings have definitely, so maybe I'm responding to her differently, thus "triggering" her in new ways or for new reasons... . not sure if this makes sense, if anyone knows what I'm trying to say.

For instance, getting the cold shoulder from her 12 months ago, id think, ok, maybe she just needs space, or has something on her mind, or pms, and I wouldn't overevalute it, and not really react to it. Fast forward to last month when she gave me the cold shoulder, now suddenly I'm picturing her banging the guy from oct, the one from january, kicking me out 5 times in the past, costing me 6 jobs this year, all the hateful hurtful things she's said, the night in jail... . and suddenly, my reaction to the cold shoulder isn't the same reaction that I would of had a year ago.

Might be our reaction to their behavior that changes rather than the illness changing is my thought.

[confusedhubby]

Thanks for sharing everyone.

I think that in the case of my 41 year old diagnosed pwBPD wife, her symptoms of the mental illness only began appearing in the last 4 years or so (we were together for 14 years). These symptoms have really gone into overdrive in the last 4 months. Her lack of impulse control, fears of abandonment, recklessness, breakdowns (she has had 2 that I know of where she wanted to harm herself), sexual promiscuity,  falling in love with new BF in  weeks etc have all manifested themselves in this period. In the past these traits would come and go but never so many at once

All of the above is in addition to her binge drinking and self harm.

The way I see it her BPD issues have really started to become pronounced in last couple of months and I don't think it's been because of my not noticing it in the past. These are not things that I would missed observing during my time with her. In the 14 years I have known her, nothing comes close to what she is doing now. Its like she is in destructive overdrive! I think that with some pwBPD's who leave a long term relationship the emotions released by there abandonment fears is like opening the spigot on a fire hydrant. It's as if they have been suppressing these feels for so long that when it finally comes out it occurs like an emotional explosion of urges and lack of self control and so on. 



 

[Aussie0zborn]

For instance, getting the cold shoulder from her 12 months ago, id think, ok, maybe she just needs space, or has something on her mind, or pms, and I wouldn't overevalute it, and not really react to it. Fast forward to last month when she gave me the cold shoulder, now suddenly I'm picturing her banging the guy from oct, the one from january, kicking me out 5 times in the past, costing me 6 jobs this year, all the hateful hurtful things she's said, the night in jail... . and suddenly, my reaction to the cold shoulder isn't the same reaction that I would of had a year ago.

Brilliant post, well said.