A little message of hope

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

Just something I wanted to share with everybody who has been in a relationship with someone with BPD.

I read everyday how hard people have it to deal with their past relationship.  I've been there myself.

I've learned myself that I had my own issues, and I've also learned why.  Having lost someone I loved in a fire in the past, was something I had learned to accept a long time ago.

But there were other things, and I've only started to understand them when my father passed away, and by talking to my mother.  She did dig out not knowingly some other trauma's from the past and the fact that nobody was ever good enough for my father and his influence in my and her life.  Taking a test I had to face the fact that my father had some narcistic issues of his own and that there was a lot I didn't know about him, and which only surfaced after he died.  It also learned me that I had survived with little damage due to this, except on the emotional level towards relationships and self confidence on that matter.

There were the trauma's from the past, and there was the toxic filth that came from my ex BPD partner, saying I would never find someone like her again, never again someone with so much patience, never again someone younger who would want me.  Those words had only added to what my father had done and said, and that just added to my own trauma.

With the help of a friend who's in psychology, and a few short talks on that matter, I've been able to grow a lot myself on an emotional level.

Once you understand yourself and why you were co-dependent you can only grow.

I didn't want to place this in the part of taking personal inventory, but just as a positive message to everbody else here.

Believe in yourself, learn the lessons about yourself.  You will become a better person.

I would like to add one thing : we often hear that we are to good for others.  Think about this : isn't it because we don't want others to abandon ourselves ?

I hope you all will grow and even more then I already did.  There's hope 

Reg

[Reg]

Hi,

Just something I wanted to share with everybody who has been in a relationship with someone with BPD.

I read everyday how hard people have it to deal with their past relationship.  I've been there myself.

I've learned myself that I had my own issues, and I've also learned why.  Having lost someone I loved in a fire in the past, was something I had learned to accept a long time ago.

But there were other things, and I've only started to understand them when my father passed away, and by talking to my mother.  She did dig out not knowingly some other trauma's from the past and the fact that nobody was ever good enough for my father and his influence in my and her life.  Taking a test I had to face the fact that my father had some narcistic issues of his own and that there was a lot I didn't know about him, and which only surfaced after he died.  It also learned me that I had survived with little damage due to this, except on the emotional level towards relationships and self confidence on that matter.

There were the trauma's from the past, and there was the toxic filth that came from my ex BPD partner, saying I would never find someone like her again, never again someone with so much patience, never again someone younger who would want me.  Those words had only added to what my father had done and said, and that just added to my own trauma.

With the help of a friend who's in psychology, and a few short talks on that matter, I've been able to grow a lot myself on an emotional level.

Once you understand yourself and why you were co-dependent you can only grow.

I didn't want to place this in the part of taking personal inventory, but just as a positive message to everbody else here.

Believe in yourself, learn the lessons about yourself.  You will become a better person.

I would like to add one thing : we often hear that we are to good for others.  Think about this : isn't it because we don't want others to abandon ourselves ?

I hope you all will grow and even more then I already did.  There's hope 

Reg

[heartandwhole]

Reg, thanks so much for this message of hope.  I'm so glad that you have grown, and that you are sharing the fruits of your healing with us. 

Once you understand yourself and why you were co-dependent you can only grow.

Is there a    that really stood out for you that you think might be helpful for us, too?

Keep up the great work.

[Reg]

Hi Heartandwhole,

Thanks 

Don't know about a     

But what I did discover is that things are not always what they appear to be.  I had been thinking that I had grown up in a warm nest.  It was partially so, but only at the surface.

My father had a lot of personal secrets for us concerning his past.  I also discovered that when I did think that there were discussions at home, and I came in, things went silent as if nothing happened.  Playing happy family again.  At the end my father seems to have been very manipulative.  And my mother did shut her mouth not to confront me with these things.  But there were many arguments I didn't know of.  My mother must have suffered a lot, but she never really showed it.

But the main important thing for me was that after by BPD had insulted and tried to break me down so many times, that after the breakup I realised that this was what also my father always had done towards me.  None of my relations were ever good enough for him, and he always said to me that I would never ever find a wife.  He never did this on my professional life, very strange.

I think that was the trigger for me to understand what my trauma had been.  And I have my BPD to thank for that    That trauma is also why I held so tightly on to my past relationship.  Low emotional self esteem.

To be honest it has changed my life and it will change it further to the better.

So the conclusion would be ; think about your past, and what made you co-dependent, and if needed seek help.

Reg

[heartandwhole]

Great insights, Reg, I relate to a lot of what you wrote.  Thank you for sharing.  Looking at my past has been painful and enlightening at the same time.  I guess the saying is true, "knowledge is power."

[ZigofZag]

Reg,

You have shared a lot that I can identify with, in particular regarding your Father.

Thank you.

[Reg]

ZigofZag,

You're welcome.  That is what this site is all about.  Sharing our stories, and learning from our own problems.  It took me some time and a relation with a pwBPD to understand my own issues.

A friend of mine, and old mentor, once told me, look for the positive in the negative.  He was and is so right !

As Heartandwhole said it, knowledge is power.  Also for ourselves !

Reg

[eyvindr]

Good stuff, Reg -- glad to hear you're feeling more centered, and thank you for having the courage to share your journey and the lessons you're learning.

It took me some time and a relation with a pwBPD to understand my own issues.

This immediately made me think of an old Buddhist saying -- "When you are ready, your teacher will appear." Not sure they meant it in exactly this way, but I do think a lot of us can admit that, despite the chaos and trauma, we have learned a great deal from our respective experiences with pwBPD.