Her current contact w/ the ex before me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I posted earlier about an e-mail I received from my exBPDgf a few days ago after an official full week of NC.  Although I didn't respond, and have gotten fabulous support and feedback about reading between the lines, one part of that e-mail that I didn't mention has been bugging me.

She mentioned very nonchalantly that she has been drawing support from her ex that she dated for one year before me. This ex lives across the country, so its purely phone/email support I'm assuming.

Now, I didn't know it when we met, but she was less than 3 months broken up with that ex, who she told me left her abruptly for someone else, and broke up with her via text message.  She really seemed hurt by the way that relationship ended, but at the time she was in DBT, and she was using a lot of skills to cope.  She also told me all of the things she hated about that ex, and how there was never any kind of future she could see for them because of how much she actually didn't care for the ex and what the ex stood for/was all about.

As our relationship developed, she talked a little here and there about this ex before me.  She explained that she was never really in love with the ex, and she knew that now because *I* was love.  She said over and over she had no idea what love was until she met me.  Something else she said about that ex was that the ex was 100% a "crutch".  This ex came along during a time when my exBPDgf was pulled from school and work during an extreme depressive period, triggered by the divorce of her parents and the departure of her only brother to another country.  So in her reflecting back on that relationship, she always told me there was no feelings, there never were any REAL feelings, and that it was purely a selfish crutch for support during her weakest moments.

I didn't ever consider that I could be that too, but I guess that was dumb on my part, huh?

I guess my question here is, whats up with her talking to this ex now for support in the ending of our relationship?  I mean, I know she only has maybe two or three friends, and strained family relationships, but is it odd that she is reaching out to this ex aka crutch from across the country?  Maybe they are rekindling?  Maybe THEY are recycling?  Maybe they never broke up to begin with? I dont know, my mind is kind of racing about it.  It really doesn't matter in the long run, I guess, but just curious for some feedback before I go to bed because this will race on my mind all night.

[Morrison11]

I posted earlier about an e-mail I received from my exBPDgf a few days ago after an official full week of NC.  Although I didn't respond, and have gotten fabulous support and feedback about reading between the lines, one part of that e-mail that I didn't mention has been bugging me.

She mentioned very nonchalantly that she has been drawing support from her ex that she dated for one year before me. This ex lives across the country, so its purely phone/email support I'm assuming.

Now, I didn't know it when we met, but she was less than 3 months broken up with that ex, who she told me left her abruptly for someone else, and broke up with her via text message.  She really seemed hurt by the way that relationship ended, but at the time she was in DBT, and she was using a lot of skills to cope.  She also told me all of the things she hated about that ex, and how there was never any kind of future she could see for them because of how much she actually didn't care for the ex and what the ex stood for/was all about.

As our relationship developed, she talked a little here and there about this ex before me.  She explained that she was never really in love with the ex, and she knew that now because *I* was love.  She said over and over she had no idea what love was until she met me.  Something else she said about that ex was that the ex was 100% a "crutch".  This ex came along during a time when my exBPDgf was pulled from school and work during an extreme depressive period, triggered by the divorce of her parents and the departure of her only brother to another country.  So in her reflecting back on that relationship, she always told me there was no feelings, there never were any REAL feelings, and that it was purely a selfish crutch for support during her weakest moments.

I didn't ever consider that I could be that too, but I guess that was dumb on my part, huh?

I guess my question here is, whats up with her talking to this ex now for support in the ending of our relationship?  I mean, I know she only has maybe two or three friends, and strained family relationships, but is it odd that she is reaching out to this ex aka crutch from across the country?  Maybe they are rekindling?  Maybe THEY are recycling?  Maybe they never broke up to begin with? I dont know, my mind is kind of racing about it.  It really doesn't matter in the long run, I guess, but just curious for some feedback before I go to bed because this will race on my mind all night.

[bpdspell]

Morrisson11,

When I broke up with my ex for good he was with his ex in a matter of weeks. Our breakup was pretty ugly and escalated to violence. The ex physically assaulted me and I had  to have him arrested and obtain a restraining order... . and guess what?... .

His ex bailed him out.

Yes. The ex that he hated. The ex that treated him so horribly. The ex that was his enemy. The ex that had a restraining order against him as well. All of a sudden she's writing bail checks? It didn't add up.

I did some recalling and recollecting and my mind worked overtime trying to fit the pieces of the BPD jigsaw puzzle together. Were they in contact while our relationship was imploding? Did he tell her horrible lies about me? Was I now the bad guy?

There were plenty of lies and betrayal as our relationship self-destructed so it very well is a possibility. I now feel in my heart that a reunion of some sort was his backup plan all along. But you know what? It's a big who cares cause he lied to me, betrayed me, treated me horribly and taking him back would be like putting broken glass together.

What I'm saying is that trying to decipher BPD truth from fiction will only give you an aneurysm.  You are dealing with someone who has the emotional capacity of a child and uses twisted pretzel logic to survive. You will never know who they have in their rainy day stash cupboard of ex's. I find that many BPD's tend to badmouth ex's before us until we become the next painted black ex that did them dirty.

As difficult as it may be we cannot control, decipher or interpret what our ex's next plan of action will be.  And quite truthfully when the relationship is over it really is no concern of ours. The only thing we can confirm is how they behaved when they were with us.

Spell

[Hazelrah]

Hey Morrison,

My separated W moved right in with a dysfunctional ex that it appears she has used as a 'crutch' and recycled multiple times over the years.  I wasn't the least bit surprised, though as the days and weeks go by, I find myself resenting the situation more and more. 

As borderlines fear abandonment and loneliness so intensely, it shouldn't shock us nons when they take up with someone else in such an abrupt manner.  In many cases, I'd guess it's pretty unlikely that they'd consider leaving us without having some sort of back-up plan in place.  They're chasing that idealization phase, and they're not going to get it without someone new (or old) to re-charge the batteries that expired over the course of their relationships with us. 

In my own case, and in reading many other peoples' experiences, it isn't rare for them to glom on to another troubled soul... . mine is back with a skinny creep suffering from body dysmorphic disorder that has been suicidal for as long as she's known him.  He is underemployed and unable to provide the love and stability I was able to give her--and yet there she is, recycling someone even more troubled than she is. As a good-looking, successful, caring man of many creative talents (music, writing, etc.), I find it incredibly insulting she'd abandon a marriage to once again take up with such a basket case.

[hurtbyboderline]

My BPDGF will hang on to all the ex's she can. One of them won't even talk to her, he just hangs up when she calls. And even though he hangs up, she still calls. The ones that will talk to her it's obvious she's trying to keep a relationship going whether it be for friends or romance. In the case of one guy I've caught her over at his house when we were together. I believe they want all the 'back-up' they can get... .    zzz

[Learning_curve74]

As our relationship developed, she talked a little here and there about this ex before me.  She explained that she was never really in love with the ex, and she knew that now because *I* was love.  She said over and over she had no idea what love was until she met me.  Something else she said about that ex was that the ex was 100% a "crutch".

I didn't ever consider that I could be that too, but I guess that was dumb on my part, huh?

I guess my question here is, whats up with her talking to this ex now for support in the ending of our relationship?  I mean, I know she only has maybe two or three friends, and strained family relationships, but is it odd that she is reaching out to this ex aka crutch from across the country?  Maybe they are rekindling?  Maybe THEY are recycling?  Maybe they never broke up to begin with? I dont know, my mind is kind of racing about it.  It really doesn't matter in the long run, I guess, but just curious for some feedback before I go to bed because this will race on my mind all night.

Morrison, you must be feeling bad not knowing whether your ex loved you, whether she is serious with her previous ex, etc. It's tough having all of these things bouncing around in your head.

Two things you have to come to realize that will eventually give you comfort. One, you cannot believe anything she said/says without taking it with a huge grain of salt. Two, the less you ruminate on the words she said/says and the more you accept the truth of her actions, the more peace you will start to feel.

People tend to believe the things they want to hear and deny the things they don't want to know. It's a trap. Take care of yourself, be kind, and don't fault yourself because pwBPD are masters at lying to keep their house of cards from falling down. You were not the first person to be fooled by her and probably won't be the last.

[Morrison11]

Thanks for these responses, they are very helpful and enlightening.  It is very difficult to swallow, knowing I was just another notch on her bedpost, I guess.  This was my first romantic experience with BPD, and although I knew up front what to expect, I chose to ignore what was idealization, and let myself think it really was this spectacular serendipitous story-book romance.

I learned back in May that my ex was cheating on me with her ex, and she openly justified this by telling me that she "can't be alone", and she "needs to feel constant affection".  So in the moments we were physically apart, or she wasn't getting the attention from me that she demanded, she would casually contact this ex for validation.  She openly told me all of this.  Despite how amazing our relationship was on the inside, and to the people closest to us, she would contact this ex and paint me black, and look for her validation.  I felt at fault, and wanted to do whatever I could to validate her and make her feel the overwhelming love that I felt for her.

I knew this was part of the disorder, as I am very familiar with the traits and have been for the entire length of our relationship.  However, I stayed with her.  We set some boundaries, including telling this ex to take a long hike, and she seemed to respect it for the rest of our relationship.  At the time, I was more angry with that ex.  I thought she was deplorable and selfish for feeding into my exBPDgf's hunger for validation.  I wanted to spit in her face for being so selfish and blood sucking.  For me, I wanted to believe that this ex was a bottom feeder. 

In reality, looking back now, I realize that it was my exBPDgf who was in the wrong.  She was painting me black, falsely defining our relationship as negative, and this ex was simply trying to save her from pain.  Its all so twisted.  Anyone that knew us and our relationship is shocked that it ended, because it looked so positive to the people that actually knew us together.  But this ex, and I'm sure there are others, can only see the dark picture and invalidation that my ex painted for them.  So disheartening.

LearningCurve-I am drawing a lot of strength from your message specifically.  I will continue to remind myself of the lessons you shared. 

Spell-you're right about the bashing of the exes before us.  I listened to it over and over, and I guess I should've realized one day that I'd be the one being bashed to whoever it is that she attaches to next.

Thank you all for your insight here.

[Clearmind]

She claimed to be using DBT skills post break up yet she spoke about how much she hated the ex! When we have good coping skills we usually don’t sprout to another partner how much you hate the previous one! Red Flag. There were feelings which is the reason she spoke ill of him.

Not dumb my friend – sometimes we so want to believe that the love is real – real fast – we don’t ask questions. Our ex’s told us exactly who they were – we chose not to listen. Life lesson.

My ex has a list of ex’s he’s friends with. Never wanted to burn bridges – that causes too much shame. He collected people who were useful to him.  This guy is a listener and she is getting what she needs ----- validation!

So not at all strange! I can understand you wondering. This girl is just like you M11 – the difference being – you found bpdfamily to hopefully see your role in all this and permanently detach to never choose another BPD…this ex is still floating around trying to save a Borderline – obviously found detaching hard.

[blurry]

 I would be more shocked if my BPDw DIDNT reach out to her ex during this current breakup. Still hurts like hell either way but every time I think of her asking him to let her move back in, inside a month of marrying me, it reminds me I have to let her go once and for all.

Funny thing is, she dumped me back in Oct, after proposing to me, and went and slept with him a couple times before begging me to come back, well now this whole time (they share custody of a child), she's insisted they've never spoken one word together that didn't directly concern the child. But the fact that she was comfortable enough with their relationship that she felt asking him if she could move in, three weeks after marrying me, leads me to believe maybe something more was going on since oct. And sadly, even if their wasn't, id have to be nuts not to assume their was, based on her past behavior.

What a friggin no win situation these relationships are, nothing but heartache.

[blurry]

Guess the point I'm trying to make Morrison, we have to assume the worst, with this illness, don't we? When did their behavior ever do anything to prove they can be trusted or have and integrity? I can't really recall too many times with my wife. I just wanted to believe in her so badly, but she made sure to ruin that dream in every way possible.

Blame it on a person being evil, or blame it on a disease, one way or the other I know I can't sit by and live this way. I keep saying in my mind, if she can be respectful to her friends, co-workers and her children, then she better be respectful to me too, same as I am to her. Guess its that thinking that forces me to trigger her into breaking up, but something in me wont let go of that belief easily.

[Learning_curve74]

Morrison, I read your reply and so much of that was like looking at a mirror at myself and my relationship with BPDex. People on the outside felt everything was hunky dory, but as you and I know, it was not. My BPDex was very secretive and only woud discuss negative things with the people who she thought would not "rat her out", and I think that's where the exes come into play. Too many of them play into her game. They can't detach, just like Clearmind says.

I hope that you can be kind to yourself and look after yourself now, Morrison. You deserve it, and who knows the troubles you've seen better than you? It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile was ever easy, right? You'll get there... . 

Blame it on a person being evil, or blame it on a disease, one way or the other I know I can't sit by and live this way. I keep saying in my mind, if she can be respectful to her friends, co-workers and her children, then she better be respectful to me too, same as I am to her. Guess its that thinking that forces me to trigger her into breaking up, but something in me wont let go of that belief easily.

Hey blurry, your reasoning makes total sense to you or me or anybody without BPD. But BPDers have the most problem with the people that they are the closest to, the people most intimate with them. So the way she treated you is by definition different because her feelings towards you are different from her feelings towards other people who don't matter so much to her.

To understand why somebody else does something, you have to try to think like them. But while it makes their behavior understandable, it does not make it acceptable in my opinion. And you are blaming yourself when you wrote "forces me to trigger her", when she is the one who is choosing to break up through her ingrained dysfunctional coping behaviors. pwBPD put themselves and their SO into what essentially are a no-win situation. Yes, if you go to the Staying board, there are people who put themselves in the position of being the "emotional caretaker". At the same time, this is not something that is an option for everybody because of our values and beliefs. There is nothing wrong with recognizing that the relationships we were in are not healthy for us, and thus we chose to end them or disengage.

Another way to process it is to ask yourself questions. What did you want from your relationship? What were the things that made it impossible to have those things in your relationship?