I messed up

[MichiganGirl]

OK. Things had been going really well for about three weeks. Then, today, my uBPDh  starts talking about how badly his career is going. I tried to be reasonable, though i don't think I was validating -- in fact, I was probably unintentionally invalidating. All I was thinking was oh-no-oh-no-oh-no.

So when he started blaming me, I just told him I wasn't going to fight with him about it, and left. When I came home, he'd dumped my wet laundry on the bed. I calmly put it back in the dryer. He stormed and slammed for a while, and then told me if I wanted a divorce, I should just leave. I said I didn't want a divorce, but if he did, he could have one, and left the room. I locked the door after me, and he had a holy fit -- b-word, c-word, fat, stupid, useless --you name it I was it.

And then like an IDIOT I went out and engaged with this nonsense.  I did some trying to reason with him, and then also said some really mean things out of anger. I told him he was a bad person who didn't love me and that he didn't have any friends. This was mean and bad AND stupid. I knew it was wrong and I just did it anyway, out of frustration or ... .I don't know. So now I've taken a drive, and I'm in a parking lot thinking and I don't know what to do. I'm scared to go home because I just feel like it's going to be another fight, and I'm hurt but I know if I ever lose my cool I forfeit any hope of an apology, because it "proves we're equal" in his words and I just want to cry.

Any advice?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pecia]

Dang, I am so sorry. I don't have any advice to offer - just sympathy. It has been my experience with my BPDh that he can act and say whatever he wants and I am expected to forgive and forget but heaven help me if I lose my cool. Not only does he never forget it but he twists what I say to make it even worse. I am learning to say the least amount possible. If he is being really mean- I tell him that I will respond to him when he isn't being cruel. I am sorry you are dealing with this. You could always just calmly apologize to him and leave it at that. Validate him if you can. Sometimes it is just a losing battle.  hang in there - pecia

[SweetCharlotte]

Sometimes you just have to let the chips (or the pieces of wet laundry) fall where they may.

[MichiganGirl]

SweetCharlotte, you just made me giggle. And Pecia, I tried your advice, and it worked well -- he was more than willing to forgive me. Unfortunately, I find I'm not willing to forgive him. I've read the lessons, and I know he was dysregulated, and I know I had poor boundaries. But, I feel like at this point, every time I make up and move on, I'm just enabling his abuse. I told him this morning that I was still really hurt and upset that he called me those names. Now (as I anticipated) he's not speaking to me again. I am really at a loss. He said some things last night that he's never said before. I feel like if I don't do SOMETHING, I'm just saying, "OK. Escalate the abuse. That's fine." But he (obviously) doesn't care/respond to my expressing my hurt and frustration in normal terms... .so what do I do/say? I'm really not trying to vent. I don't know what I should say or do the next time I engage with him. I don't want to roll over for him, but I don't want to stupidly do more damage, either.

[Siamese Rescue]

I understand how easy it is to fall into the trap you describe. I am in my own mess right now as described on other threads.  Bottom line, I blew up at my uBPDbf or uBPDexbf (you never where you stand with these people) because I could no longer contain my awareness of his odd choices, weird behavior and overall actions that just don't smell right.

I am constantly riding the fence of loving him and keeping the peace which requires me to feel disrespected and abused or exerting my option to tell him off when I can smell the lies and womanizing.  I hate that in order to keep peace, I have to act like I'm stupid to his b/s and unaware. 

I have learned the hard way that these blow ups can either extend into a serious break up or blow over within a few days.  One thing that has stuck with me was a comment from my cousin last night.  She said, "You're so upset because you think he's gone and what you don't understand is that he NEVER goes away."

I'd say give it time.  I agree with you that we are the ones who always end up worrying about what to do to repair a fight that we didn't even start. A few weeks ago I had to text him a photo of my grocery store receipt because he called me a liar when I said I was getting cat food one morning.  Unbelievable.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello My Friend:  Lots of   to you.

The only thing I would have NOT done is"  a)  'calmly taken the laundry off the bed and put it in the dryer".  Just leave it there... .for 15 smelling days if you have to.  I really mean this:  in ways big and small, you should never treat a BPD sufferer's childisness like  a child.  Expect adult behavior at all times.  And you communicate that expectation by always letting them pick after their own messes.  This also means the mess created in situations outside that of home.

b)  Carry a recorder/smartphone at all times with you.  Do not hesitate to record this outburst from inside of the locked room and then call 911.  Let them hear while it is happening and tell them that your husband is having some type of dysregulated fit and that you are scared for yourself and for his own safety.  Yes, this is a situation, where anger can escalate to destructive actions. 

What I am trying to say is that you tried to handle a situation yourself.  When you do not have the skills to handle it... .only appropriate authorities are trained to handle such situations... .and I mean crises intervention teams like the polices, hospitals, the clinicians.

Please forgive yourself because you reacted as any normal human being would.  Only a trained clinician with no emotional ties to a BPD sufferer would have handled this situation calmly.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Having said that, there are many here who have trained themselves over time not to be so reactive.  So, please continue to read and post and learn... .there are various tools that can help you develop skills needed to protect yourself emotionally... .and physically... .

[MichiganGirl]

Thanks for the kind words and insight. I agree that things were out of control last night. I was probably overestimating my ability (or anyone's ability) to deal with it calmly. The advice you give is really good and practical. Though i think it will be a while before I can talk myself up to calling the police. He's never been violent. Just loud.

Actually, we had another little flare-up this afternoon, and just being on this board helped me NOT try to handle things. Just said I wouldn't be around someone who called me names and high-tailed it out of there. I feel better about myself when I stay calm, don't JADE, and enforce my boundaries. I'm just really beginning to think it isn't worth it with him any more. What's the point of staying with someone who obviously doesn't care about you? I don't even mean this rhetorically. Maybe it's time for me to move boards. Ugh.

[Grey Kitty]

  MichiganGirl, you ARE getting much better.

You saw your mistakes last night, and won't repeat them again. (Don't worry--we always have room to make new mistakes   )

I feel better about myself when I stay calm, don't JADE, and enforce my boundaries.

Yup, you know when you are doing it right. Keep it up.

I'm just really beginning to think it isn't worth it with him any more. What's the point of staying with someone who obviously doesn't care about you? I don't even mean this rhetorically. Maybe it's time for me to move boards. Ugh.

Perhaps. Or perhaps things will improve. Most people who have stayed long-term have found that when they stopped putting up with crap, there was a hellish extinction burst, followed by the crap not being attempted much, if at all.

I'm not saying that all will magically become perfect--just that if you stick with the tools, your r/s will change, and it is worth sticking around a little longer to see what that looks like.

I believe that he does care about you, but being disordered, he has one heck of a bad way of expressing it at times.

 GK