Recovering after a rage

[Nonamouse]

Hi - I had to be away for a week for work and my dBPDw had daily breakdown rages, calling and texting constantly, accusing me of sleeping with colleagues, etc. I handled it pretty well, used validation and SET, turned off my phone to put her in time out when the verbal abuse went over the line.

Now that I'm back she feels guilty, and is very tense and thinks I hate her. I am not acting any different, it's just part of the cycle. She keeps saying I hate her, and am distant because she acted so terribly. And so she's dysregulating about that. She is actually the distant one because of her guilt.

This happens a lot. She acts terrible, feels guilty, then accuses me of hating her and wanting to leave her. I've accepted my wife is mentally ill, and I'm staying for her sake and my daughter. So my question is how to deal with the aftermath of her rages, when she goes into her guilt stage.

Thanks for your help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

Not sure if this is helpful but I try to stay neutral even during the GUILT phase.  I don't go overboard on any response.  I make sure that my uBPDh knows that I adore him (especially when he starts to get down about his behavior).

Its so so so important for me to be loving and kind after the rages... .if I don't do this... .I feel like I am manipulating the situation.  Manipulating him is the WORST thing I can do.  Before I found this site, I would actually try to make him feel guilty and would be a little cold after rages (understandable).  Now I know that if I want a sane life -- I don't have that luxury.

[connect]

I think its like a projection thing... .she thinks you hate her beacuse she hates herself atm... .mine gives himself a hard time after these sorts of events sometimes, not all the time but sometimes.

I think you being calm and carrying on as usual is a good plan. Even talking about it too much after a rage can set off more dysregulation in my experience. I wait for a calmer period to talk it through. Unfortunately the calm periods with mine have been not very consistant lately but in general he can talk when he is calmer himself during a good phase.

Good luck