The backlash from having seen him...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So here was my story from the other night. 1 year of not seeing him and this happened

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209106.0

So... .Of course I should have expected this... .

Baring in mind I saw him on Friday night and had this conversation. It's now Sunday and his FB is saying he is now in a relationship with someone! I've never seen or heard of this girl.

Do we think its a bit of a backlash as either a result of seeing me OR because maybe I stood my ground and he wants me to react?

T x

[Tessaking]

So here was my story from the other night. 1 year of not seeing him and this happened

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209106.0

So... .Of course I should have expected this... .

Baring in mind I saw him on Friday night and had this conversation. It's now Sunday and his FB is saying he is now in a relationship with someone! I've never seen or heard of this girl.

Do we think its a bit of a backlash as either a result of seeing me OR because maybe I stood my ground and he wants me to react?

T x

[Reg]

Hi Tessaking,

Just did read your story about that meeting.

I know exactly how you feel.  I've seen some pics of and my ex partner several months ago, and she looks like the shadow of the person I have been with.  I had some talks with my ex partner at that moment in a friendly way about BPD and seeking therapy (without result).  I told her she looked good on them and in real life, but actually she looked like a pile of misery... .

When they talk to us about love, loving us, we have to remind ourselves that their way of loving is not ours.  As hard as it may be, but that's reality.  And sometimes we have to face the facts on that matter to understand that without therapist help and to be willing to change their lives they can not change.

Most of us had to grow emotionally ourselves ! Learn the lessons about ourselves.

You don't want him back, I think you are black now, and he's taking his revenge by saying hey I have someone new.  Same thing happened at the end of my relationship, now over 8 months ago.  Within days she shared the bed with a new partner.

So I think it has to do with you not wanting him.  Feeling unwanted can be hard for everyone, and is even harder for someone with BPD.  In their own particular way. 

Their defense system makes it happen that they want to feel as little shame and guilt as possible.  So I guess, to ease the pain, it is now your fault, you are the guilty one, and he is now 'in love' with someone else to make him feel better.

Reg

[patientandclear]

... .and you know it's not true, right?  You got to see behind the curtain because you know for sure, after that interaction last night, that he is not happily connected with some new person.  He was trying to go home with you for goodness' sake ... .he never takes off your friendship bracelet ... .

Pity the poor woman (if she exists) who is the subject of that FB post.  Maybe she's excited today because he said that.  She doesn't know about your conversation the other night, she doesn't know the significance of the friendship bracelet, she doesn't know that he's decided you were so wonderful.  Mess.

[fromheeltoheal]

Did you ever consider he might mean you?  He did introduce you to his drinking buddies as his 'fiance', yes?

Twisted I know, but when someone isn't doing so well and self-medicating, BPD or not, they can hang on to the slightest thread of a bond and it becomes the love of a lifetime in their head.  Experience speaking; a much younger, naiver me spent time there in my youth.  It hurts.

[patientandclear]

Did you ever consider he might mean you?  He did introduce you to his drinking buddies as his 'fiance', yes?

Actually, I think this is likely, unless from other content you can tell he is referring to someone else.

When I first reconnected with my uBPDexbf after nearly a year of NC, he told his more recent exgf that he was going to a festival "with a wonderful woman."  When this first got reported back to me via mutual friends, I was hurt, as I was trying to figure out what other woman he attended with, perhaps on a different day (we went together two of the three days the festival was running).  It took me a while to grasp that he was referring to me.  !  No outward sign that he was thinking of it like that.  And it helps me understand why he then pushed me away so hard a few weeks later.  There was a lot more going on for him under the surface than was evident from his words to me.

So yes, the chances that he is seeing himself as really in a r/s with you right now seem high.

[Tessaking]

Thank you all for your comments

Well she is named in the status and does clearly exist. But I have to say, it's very strange, as this woman is 29 he is only 22. She is clearly an extremely successful sports person in the horse world and she doesn't seem to be at all connected to any of his friends.

I have to say it is an odd situation.

T x

[patientandclear]

OK, then I'll revert back to my first reaction, which is that you know for sure that that situation is not as he is portraying it on FB, right?  How surprised would she be to hear the things he was asking & telling you when you encountered him.

[Tessaking]

Yes I do. And I also know that he has only done it to try and get a reaction out of me. It's too coinsidential. Isn't it?

But quite how he has got someone to agree to being 'in a relationship' with him on fb... .I just don't know!

T x

[bpdspell]

Hey Tessaking,

My question to you is: what do you want?

After a year of being broken up are you still attached to this man?

A face-book update/status does not a full picture make but you are torturing yourself by paying attention to your ex's moves.

Let's just say that the update was for your viewing pleasure... will you react and take the bait or will you see the "bigger picture"... .that your ex hasn't changed much and is still pretty emotionally immature due to his BPD.

Do yourself a favor and stop looking at Facebook. I'm sorry that his actions still can have an affect on you but you've got to put the focus back on to yourself and living your life.

As tough as this may be to hear... .what your ex does with his life and who he moves on with is his business. No matter the loving words or care for us they express the truth is in their actions... .

Spell

[Learning_curve74]

Yes I do. And I also know that he has only done it to try and get a reaction out of me. It's too coinsidential. Isn't it?

But quite how he has got someone to agree to being 'in a relationship' with him on fb... .I just don't know!

Tessaking, not to be mean, but if he is just an ex and you don't have any hidden motives but to just be friendly to him, who cares what he writes on facebook as long as it doesn't involve some lie or distortion about you? How is this any of your business?

Don't get me wrong, if you still have vestigal feelings for him, then it's perfectly natural to have conflicting feelings now especially after your long talk with him the other night. Doesn't mean you have to do anything in response, right? It takes two people to play games, and we can always choose to leave the field of play.

[Tessaking]

Update... .

He's now removed the relationship status! So I guess I was right, it must have been sme kind of set up or joke. Which of course was a convenient disguise to do something he knew would get to me!

[sm15000]

Hi,

I just wanted to say I recognise some of the behaviour from your meeting post

~The emphasis on wanting to know you're friends. . .my ex did this, I believe it was his way of knowing he was absolved of any responsibility for the break up

~The bringing up of nostalgic memories. . .used by my ex frequently. . .pretty hurtful and confusing when you're trying to get over them

~The little boy lost, pity-party. . .I know this sounds harsh but my ex showed no real concern for how I was but wanted me to act as a sounding board for all his problems

~The impulsivity of you showing kindness = do you want me to come home with you

~If you're right about the FB r/s status. . .then as other have said, emotional immaturity shining through again

Don't get me wrong, I've been out of the r/s over 2 years, I haven't seen him for nearly 2 yrs and total NC for over a year. . .he drove past me in his car recently and shouted 'hello', even that was enough to stir me up again. . .and overall, I know a r/s is not what I want or can have any-more but I am still troubled a lot with the feeling of unease at how it all ended.

I just want you to think carefully about any re-engagement