I'm going to get my family or die trying

[Cipher13]

I  am in need of some very objective, honest, blunt, and straight to the point advice on this topic. Ok I will quickly point out the situation. My uBPDw hates my family. The sistuation is that she claims they did not accept her into there life.  reality couldn't be further from the truth.  My mom is an optomist. Looking at way to put thins in to a nicer perspective. My Dad is a  realist. Says what needs to be said when times an condistion dictate such.  

My wife is a pessamist. Can be very blunt. If not to a stranger then she is to me about the stranger.  She sees my parents as clueless to the world since thery live in a rural small town. They have always tried to have a positive outlook on life. There was an insodent where my Dad said things that uspset me. He had given me an expensive present for my Birthday. We were struggleing with finances. My wife asked me to return it and get $ for bills instead. In doing so my Dad not having a clue as to our situation was perplexed and asked if I needed it for drugs. That stung. He did apologize. He saidmy actions were not how I have behaved in the past.  That was the last straw for my wife I think. From that point on contact was cut off for the next 7 years.  (I have remained in secret email contact with them.)

They know of BPD as I have had then do there research on the topic to get an idea as well. I think that was important so that they didn think it was somethign that she is totally doing on purpose.  Also I have been looking back at how her relationship with her family and her parents has been since we got married.  If I did a side by side as to her complaints  then by all accounts my parents should be the ones she should rather like to be around vs her parents.  :)on't get me wrong hers are nice people but that have alot more emotoinal and physcological baggage.

So how should I begin this process to get my parent back into my life?  Also my wife has a fear that they plan to kidnap me. It  been a re-occuring dream from time to time. I have appeased her for years saying and agreeing with her thoughts and feeling of my parents. I do not share them anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[musicfan42]

I don't usually post in the "undecided" section but since you said that you want blunt advice... !

If I were in your shoes, then I would just see my family when I wanted to... not give any explanation or excuse to your wife but just go do it. Actions speak louder than words. I know that your wife has BPD however that doesn't excuse her controlling behavior. It's not fair that she's trying to isolate you from your parents and you don't have to put up with that.

I don't think there's any point in telling you wife that you don't agree with her... .there's no point in having a discussion on this.

I'm sure that a load of people here will advice you to use the SET method etc however my honest opinion is that if you do decide to go that route, then it'll just be a complete waste of time and will get you nowhere.

I know there is something about an "extinction burst"-that borderline behavior will increase when nons start to set boundaries but that it goes down after a while. You just have to stick to your guns on this. Appeasement is not the answer!

[Cipher13]

musicfan42

Thank you for being blunt. You are right about a load of people will tell me to use SET. I have tried this with such little success that I have doubts it works. At least not in my circumstances it hasn't. Validation is also been less than helpful as she sse this as me being condisending.

If I was on the ouside looking in I would say why did you allow this to get this far out of whack... .Think is if it was somehtign that happend overnight I think I could have seen that. Being that it took years and I had no idea what was the matter... .(It was all my fault). I beleived it. She made it make sense at the time... .

[Aussie0zborn]

I second Musicfan's bluntness. Your parents will always be your parents while your wife is your wife today but could be somebody's else's wife tomorrow. Why wait 'til tomorrow?

[Cipher13]

AussieOzborn

Wow more blunt than I anticipated... .I like it though. This is the support I was hopping to see. Now its time to be myself and accept that I can live my life or have it lived for me.

[musicfan42]

I said something similar on another thread but it bears repeating-you're not responsible for the borderline's behavior-that's on her. That's her stuff and she is responsible for that, not you. So if she has raged at you etc, then that's her own bad behavior.

You can only be responsible for your own behavior-you can only control your own actions. You can't control anyone else's.

I think that you just have to be "selfish" here and start thinking about #1 only! Put the focus on yourself and take care of your own needs. So if those needs include meeting up with your family on a regular basis, then so be it. I think it's important to make the most of the time we have with our parents as they are not going to be around forever... life is short after all. Forget about what your wife wants-her demands are excessive and unreasonable and you're never going to meet them anyway. Just do what you want from now on. Don't blame yourself-it's not your fault.



I think that you've gotten stuck into a relationship pattern whereby your wife is aggressive and you're the passive one. She likes that dynamic but it doesn't sound like it's working for you or else why would you be here? You sound fed up and I honestly don't blame you. There's a book on assertiveness called "When I Say No, I feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith and I'd advise you to read it and try some of the techniques out in your life. There's also assertiveness courses and that's another option to consider.

[Cipher13]

think that you've gotten stuck into a relationship pattern whereby your wife is aggressive and you're the passive one. She likes that dynamic but it doesn't sound like it's working for you or else why would you be here? You sound fed up and I honestly don't blame you. There's a book on assertiveness called "When I Say No, I feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith and I'd advise you to read it and try some of the techniques out in your life. There's also assertiveness courses and that's another option to consider.

Yes I am in the pattern and trying to change it has been hell. To further prove your point she has told me to change back to the way I was before. I had been going in pahses. I try to break out due to be compleelty fed up and frustrated. She sees this as acting out and being mean. Then after a period of rages I end up back to where I was. Now she is seeing that I am not going back to that form as easily.

Reconnecting with my family is my new goal to accomplish for me in making me better. Thanks for the book advice. I think I will try to take a look for it.

[musicfan42]

You're welcome. I found the book helpful.

[SteveWilkos]

You want blunt? Leave her... .

Even if she doesn't like your parents she has NO reason to tell you that you cannot see them. It's time to open your eyes and realize how badly she is controlling (ruining) your life.

Do you have a good enough job that you can support yourself solo or is her job a factor in keeping her around as well?

Steve Wilkos Out

[Cipher13]

Steve

You can't get any mor eblunt than that. My job has always been the most stable and the one one she has depened upon to be stable also. She is finially making enough to support herself perhaps.  I guess I was looking for more ways in handling this particular situation but you advise is also what it bouncing around in my head anyway to.

So thanks

[SteveWilkos]

Just tell her that having a good functional relationship with your parents is important in your life. It's important for most everybody to have regular visits with parents, if not visits at least conversations.

I would offer for her to come along, and tell her you will leave if it gets awkward. Getting her to agree to a visit would at least be a good first step. Maybe invite them down to your place so that she would feel more comfortable, however that might make asking them to leave a little more awkward?

[Cipher13]

Don't see either going well. I don't see either happening. First I knwo she won't go and will proabably block the door if I try to go without her. She did that once when I just wanted to go outside to take a break from the yelling. And I doubt she would ever let them come over.

[SteveWilkos]

you mentioned before that your wife let you go away for a couple of days because work made, could you just say you have to meet with a pref client again?

[Cipher13]

No she went on that trip also.  I wasn't about to have her blame me for cheating or what ever else. Beside I highly doubt she would have just let me go. I mention I have a work thing she will expect to go. At one point if she wasn't going to be able to go she was going to make sure I didn't have to or I would have to quit.

[Cipher13]

SteveWilkos3

Please do not harass me here.  I am aware that you are posting from my place of employment and would only know about this membership from spying on my computer.

If you do it again, you will be blocked and that will block me too.

Please stop.  If you want to talk to me, pick up the phone.

[heartandwhole]

We are locking this thread because one of the participants is an anonymous work colleague of the OP who has located this membership by spying on the OP's computer.