I stuck to a boundary, but am having a mild panic attack about it

[isilme]

uBPDBF HAS been doing much better.  I need to say that first.  We've had a rough year, with me getting laid off, trying to find work, doing odd jobs and temp work, and finally getting a FT job this week.  I have a problem myself with anxiety and depression, and had been on Pristiq for the last year, which had helped me greatly manage myself better, which I think was part of why BF seemed to improve.  I was able to not invalidate as much, and not take things personally when it was really the dysregulation talking.  But no coverage or steady income = no Pristiq.  No job + no Pristiq = High anxiety, irritability.  Irritable me does not mesh well with irritable BF. 

BF and I carpool to work.  It's in walking distance, but it's really hot and humid here this time of year ( most of the year) and it sucks wearing office clothes and walking in a swamp, so we drive.  The car is mine,  I paid 100% for it.  BUT, he pays the insurance, because it was cheaper to tied it to the house insurance.  I figure that was fine, it gave him a stake in the car I could change any time it was needed.  Add to this a lot of issues with his parents and how the didn't buy him a car, but did for his siblings when they both entered college, and a dose of projection onto me, and you have a nasty brew.  (He's 36, but still blames them for him not personally having a car now, and projects all of that onto me when that gets triggered).

BUT, as many people with BPD seem to be, he is habitually late.  Late to work, dinner with friends, anything.  He has even said he'd rather make people wait on him than ever wait for someone else.  This got me into trouble at my last job, with me being 15-30 minutes late the days I was walking on eggshells and afraid to just leave.  And he is inconsistent about whether I should wait or just go, of course, it's all based on his personal mood. 

I can leave AT 8, in the car, and be at work in a reasonable time when others are still walking in.  Today, it was 8.  He had just barely gotten out of the shower and I couldn't gauge how long it wold take him to get ready, I was figuring 15 more minutes, putting us at work about 8:20-8:30 (best parking scenario), way too late for a new job where I have to get my computer out from my supervisor's office - no sneaking in for me.

So I spoke through the bathroom door, "Babe, I gotta get going... .(nothing but the radio."  So I'll see you at lunch, right?" (radio).  "Hello?"  At which point I started to panic, already worried I'd upset him, but decided to just go so at least I'd be on time, not in an argument AND late.  No Pristiq, high anxiety over this, walking on eggshells again.  So I get here and receive a text.  It is now 8:15.  He's asking why I left without even telling him I was going.  I STOOD BY THE DOOR and just short of shouting tried to do so.

So I texted him what I said, that I tried, I figured he was pissed I wanted to go and was ignoring me, but that I can't just sneak into a cubical environment and go grab my computer from someone else's office in a new job, late.  That he had told me over and over the last year to go without him, he'd walk (yes, this changed day by day, but he HAS said it often).  That I couldn't tell how long it'd be before he'd be ready.  So he responds I need to pay insurance if I"m going to not give him "fair access" to the car.  So I reminded him I insisted he drive it every day I wasn't working at 8 (all summer), that I walked home to ensure he had it when he stayed late (to make up for being late in the morning), and that I never stopped him from taking it any other time.  And that I was fine taking on the insurance, to tell me the amount and I'd write him a check each month, and that when the car was paid in November, I'd planned on doing that anyway. 

So far no response.  Was I wrong to continue the text-conversation to have my say?  I am shaking from being upset.  I hate this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

He finally responded, of course with righteous indignation that I was too stupid to not try harder to get his attention, and that I thought making sure he had the car this summer was not "fair access" it was his due for "not having the luxury of choosing [his] schedule (I was only given 6 hours a day, and so walked in at 10 because it's easier to leave at 5 than at 3 - people always have just one more thing for you at 3), and he gave me a bill for the insurance and rent (it's his house he bought with an inheritance, so he pays prop tax and insurance, but I pay ALL utilities, and we split groceries based on who has the money/time that week). 

He loves asking me to pay rent, even though I've shouldered more of the financial burdens over these past 17 years than he has.  I've refused, telling him I pay the bills, that is my rent, and I buy food when we go out and groceries.  Sigh.  Silly me, I thought I had actually made a point and that was why he'd not responded.I think I'm just going to pay it to get him off my back, but ell him I can't be the one going to the store then, since he will have the money.  He's often mad that working part time I made just a little less than him, and full time, much more, simply because I got off my ass after college and got a FT job 2 months after graduation in 2000.  He was unemployed and not going to school for about 5 years, then worked about 10 hours a week for 2 years, and finally got a FT job in 07.  I have only gone about 6 months total in the time we've been together without a job (17 years).  He HAS been good about the lay off, but this morning he's loving having a place to poke me.  Ugh.

[isilme]

Sorry, I need to type this out, and don't spill our problems out to friends.  They won't understand BPD, so I need to type it here so I can get it out of my own head, and say all the things I won't to him in person because they won't help the situation.

[connect]

Hello,

Sorry you've had a hard day - wanted to say I empathise completely! That's one of the things I find so difficult - how something so normal and trivial can end up being a massive deal. The communication seems to be hard on lots of levels sometimes.

I have some questions. How is your guy in the morning? Does he have a hard time getting up? Is his mood more delicate in the morning? Mine is terrible in the mornings. I can only imagine how a car share would work out with him!

My gut says this could blow over if you don't engage. Perhaps with the rent side of things you can delay giving it to him and by the time he is calmer it wont be an issue anymore? I imagine that at some point you will want to have a chat about the whole "rent" deal anyway although now may not be the best time for that.

Hope your evening is calmer  

ps i often come on here to write out the things in my head - it's so helpful and the replies are wonderful

[isilme]

connect,

thanks for the reply.  Yes, he is not usually good in the mornings, and I am usually the one to wake him, push him to get up.  I am not a morning person myself, and know this contributes.  I have no issue with the 'rent' other than I see it as a way for him to exercise power over me, and to punish me.  I was kicked out by my family at 19, and he knows that I have never in my life had a secure place to call home.  So when he reminds me that 'our' house is really not mine, it hits me in a bad place - his intention of course, to drag me into feeling like he's feeling.  It's just really hard right now for me because :

A) I have not been able to take my anti depressants regularly, and have been spacing them out because I can't get them until 90 more days when my coverage has been set up.  So I am more and more on edge

B) I am also not on my birth control pills, which ran out last month, which adds to a new set of hormonal issues affecting my moods, as well as sexual frustration (sorry if that is TMI) as we at least acknowledge that children are not something we are sure we can do and so aren't even willing to trust solely on barrier methods.  Birth control was a big part of taking the PIll, but also I have a family history of feminine-type issues which are helped greatly by their regulatory aspects.  So my body is just going nuts right now.

So my moods are wacky, and in our house really there is room for only one of us to be dysregulating, and as I am the one aware of the problem, I need to fix it.  I am trying St. John's Wort to try to calm myself down, and some bio-feedback exercises when he won't ridicule me for them, exercising regularly, etc.

Personally, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, as I NEED to be earning money to feel good about myself, as well as keep the house reasonably clean, and the yard, and he really helps with neither.  This seems to be a man-thing (no offense, neater, tidy men out there, BF is just not one of them).  So though I was not working 40 till this week (won't get a full paycheck till Nov. 1), I have been doing freelance jobs, and making craft items to sell, as well as keeping up with house and yard.  I have not been at home watching soaps eating bon bons, and my extra work has allowed me to pay for a car repair without asking BF to help.  I know part of my mood right now is a lingering upset over BF getting upset I'd needed the car for errands after work while he stayed late, and then I mowed the yard and got sweaty before he was ready to swap car possession, and so sat in the seat (I changed so as not to make a mess) before him.  He actually griped at me for mowing the yard, claiming I was OC about it (It was 3 ft high in the back, and the only day it wasn't raining - kinda needed mowing, not OC).  So that added to his car frustration, and to my frustration as his irresponsibility about promptness and basic care of his possessions.  Meh.

It WILL blow over if I can just get through till 5.  It's just I need to marshal my own emotions.

[nodoover]

My husband with BPD is slow for everything.  If I had to count on him for work I would probably have a break down because I like to be early for everything. When we go places I always add 1/2 hr to when we are supposed to be there.

He is late a lot for work but he is retired now and just works part time at easy job where boss doesn't care.  He is lucky!

A fast shower for him is 20-30 min!  I can't figure out what takes him so long, I would get it if he was (you know) but he's not. If I walk in he is actively soaping up and down for all that time.  I use to wonder if something made him feel unclean but he says no.

I can take a shower in less than 5 min... .

If I am waiting for him to go somewhere, some of our dumbest fights have just been me getting pulled in to caring that he is making me late.

I have learned over the years to plan as much as possible with no time or to fudge on the time.

I really can't see him changing.  If this is your car, take over all financial stuff, encourage him to get a scooter or something simple if you can't afford another car. I have a scooter and use it except winter.

We each have a car and I really don't think we could ever share, surprised you have lasted this long.  I can also tell you that he will never respect you if you don't stand up for yourself.  If he knows you are worried about breaking up, he has you and with BPD will twist your gut out.

I had to get to the point where I was ready to let go to have the power to stay!  Think about that.

[Grey Kitty]

  Hang in there! Things should get better as you stabilize in the new job... .at least for you.

As for the car and getting to work on time: Stick to your values/priorities. What I hear from you is:

Having a job is a priority to you.

Getting to work early or on time is what you need to do to feel safe and secure in keeping that job.

Therefore, you need to set boundaries that your BF doesn't make you late. That means either planning time to walk and leaving on time or having a regular departure time for the car.

If that boundary matches your values, stick to it. He will adjust. It will probably be ugly (extinction burst coming, perhaps?) but he will adjust. His approach of throwing as much new/old stuff at you as he can over this really sucks... .but sounds pretty normal for BPD.

As for managing your own emotions, my favorite tool is mindfulness. Being aware that your own (hormonal and other) health and physical status will change your moods and feelings helps some.

[waverider]

This inexplicable tardiness with absolutely no concern for the consequences is unfortunately very common I believe. It does drive you mad as it feels so utterly thoughtless, and you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This frustration causes you to respond ineffectively usually making things worse. Bottom line is you can't change them.

You just have to do what is right for you, and dont go into JADE trying explain your actions to them.

The number of times I have waited in the car cussing to myself because my partner just seems to be soaking up time for no good reason, and always late for everything for absolutely no real reason and then pulling lame excuses out of thin air.

But what can you do apart from disengage and try to make sure YOU get to where YOU have to be when you need to. Otherwise you are stuck in the middle and pleasing no one.

[isilme]

Thank you all for the comments and replies.  I got an "emergency" set of sample packs of my antiDs from my doctor to hold me over till my coverage starts, we are working on getting me on a generic BC pill, so hopefully my own moods will be better regulated, and I will be in more control of me, which always seems to help overall in the house.  BF also keeps accusing me of being angry or mean to him, which I know I'm not so I usually ignore it, but I hate to hear that's how he feels.  It means I can never have an emotion (from his point of view) that doesn't start or end with him, and so being laid off, having car trouble, gaining weight, being tired and depressed and stressed over the last several months had nothing to do with being laid off and my own needs, and was all about him in his mind.  Mind you, he WAS considerate (especially given his empathy limitations) and I really believe he tried.  I can just see now that he feels the extra effort is over and he can slide back again, which isn't BPD-related per say, but just human... .it's just when a pwBPD slides into less considerate behaviors... . 

This week I am insisting he take his showers at night, as that always helps us get out the door on time.