She Has BPD, So What Do I Have?

[StandUpGuy]

(Met in January, together since May, broke up with her for about 6 hours, 5 or 6 times in August/September, this is the longest breakup so far.)

As I read the 200th heartbreaking text message from her in two days, I still find myself wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I mean, there really is very little Proof that she did any of the things that I "know" she did. Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe these guys are just her friends and maybe those other guys really are Snapchatting pictures of food and kittens and maybe she really did stay the night at a female friend's house the night she didn't call and maybe it was just a coincidence that a car matching her ex's was parked outside her house all night.  Never know, right?

I'm not a stupid person. I can read bull___ pretty well. And yet, for some reason I can't seem to stop thinking that I'm making a huge mistake. That if we do the right amount of therapy or exercise or scheduling sleep or any number of other things, that it would change the way I feel when I'm with her and more importantly, when I'm not with her.  I never had a feeling of trust toward her. I pretty much know she was lying and cheating. She's burned like every bridge she ever built. She can't hold a job.

Still... .after all those things... .what's wrong with ME that makes me want to stay?

[Reg]

Hi Standupguy,

I understand you very well, have been there myself, and I took the decision not to let it continue... .

But that is a very personal decision and I'm not going to advice you on that matter, hope you understand that.

What is the truth ?  That is a very difficult thing concerning someoen with borderline.  It seems the truth evolves in their head in such a way that they don't have to cope with guilt, shame, fears, etc.

I don not believe in coincidence.  I've been in a very similar situation myself, car of the ex, staying at a friend, etc.  It was a lot of bull !

However, you can possibly improve the situation if that is what you want.  It depends on how much she is aware of her problem and willing to take steps, and change her life.  Or if she is just going to aknowledge the problem to be able to recycle as my ex partner did.

Aside of that, what does you want to stay ?  Co-dependency we say.  But what is it really ?  I think for that reason one has to dig deeper into ones very self.

I have learned a lot about myself since the break up, and on my own fears of abandonment in a way.  I've been looking for help on that matter with an old friend, who's professionally in psychology, disovered that my late father had some serious narcistic features, and although this resulted in little damage for me, there was one part I had not actually given enough attention.  None of my relationships were good enough for him, I would never find someone, etc.

My dear ex with her talk such as, you'll never find anyone like me again, you'll never find someone younger then you are who still wants you, etc, just confirmed what my father had said over and over to me.

So I had to grow emotionally myself, I'm still doing that and become more self confident on that matter.

It may very well be that you have a similar problem of your own.  So I would like to encourage you to dig deeper in your own soul on that matter !

Hope this helps a bit

Take care !

Reg