comments please

[omega.alpha]

Hi everyone

For over 12 months I have been separated from by my wife who has strong traits of BPD. Her mother has been diagnosed with BPD. In brief my ex grew up in a dysfunctional step household where she was emotionally and physically deprived in her upbringing.

This is the 8th time she left me in our 23 years of marriage. We have 4 adult children and is a blessing that they are functional given what they been through growing up with a BPD mother. My therapist said that I instinctively shield them from their mother. That is another story I will share later.

On the 8th occasion I asked my ex to suspend contacts with her family to allow us to seek healing together. My ex has chosen to end the marriage rather then healing even though she agreed that her mother has been campaigning  for years to isolate my ex from her love ones. So I ended any prospect of reconciliation enough is enough. 

So, my adults boys and I moved out. I left with a sense of relieve that I no longer living on "eggshells" any longer. I instinctively stop answering her text messages and kept legal proceeding communication to the absolute minimum to avoid being set up.

I gave her a better slice of the pizza in property settlement because I wanted to end any contacts with her.

The question I'm worrying about is it normal for me to feel strong in my boundaries. I don't hate her and all my confusion are gone. I do not react to her insensitive text messages. When the divorce becomes a reality to her and legal stuffs finalised I intend to block her mobile number and severe all communications.This is for my self protection.   

I'm seeing a therapist to debrief all the stuffs happened to us in the marriage. I'm active in my social groups and feeling peaceful and looking forward to adventures ahead.

My post separation is different to others and I'm questioning whether my recovery is normal. I have however experienced all emotions posted on this site from others in the past. When D-Day arrived I was all prepared.

[Clearmind]

Welcome omega.alpha, I think what you are asking is: "Is it normal to come out the relationship intact?"

For many of us here we had shorter relationships, marriages than possibly you have. Is it possible that after 23 years of marriage you have seen and witnessed it all, your limit was well and truly reached, children are grown and you can free yourself from a bind that maybe you have given your all to? Some of us take the relationship to the nth degree and some are left abruptly with still unanswered questions... .ring any bells?

Regardless, I do think we all have some of our own issues to process coming out of these relationships. After all they weren't healthy yet we did stay. Its wonderful you are open to therapy - often we find linkages to our family of origin that meant we were more susceptible to attaching to a Borderline.

For me personally my father is likely BPD/alcoholic, my childhood was chaotic and abusive - a BPD relationship for me was my "norm"!

What are your thoughts?

What have you uncovered with chats with your therapist?

Does the therapist have experience with BPD?

[omega.alpha]

Hi Clearmind

Thank you for sharing your thoughts

On reflection I have detached from the marriage long go. I went through all stages of grief and reached the point of the 3Cs. Strangely enough all my emotions came out in dreams like cars, snakes, being chased. Although dreams were unpleasant I always felt safe.

My current therapist is experienced with BPD and a relief for my sanity at last! The previous therapist I found frustrating because of the lack of BPD experience. He suggested seeing both of us together and I should have not agreed as it ended up all the attention on her and not the problem.  

Past marriage counselling was a waste of time as my thoughts about my ex with BPD tendencies were discounted. Even when I said that the doctor wanted my ex to see a psychiatrist to confirm the BPD diagnosis it was seen as invasive on my part. I tired to explain that we need to discount her mental health first before we can discuss marriage issues. In the end I stopped going to further sessions as the therapist was not a fan of any mental health diagnosis and discounted psychiatrist referral.

Kinds regards.


   

[Clearmind]

You are certainly right there - marriage counselling is invalidating for all involved when one has BPD.

I'm pleased to hear you have detached from your wife - how are things with your kids?

[omega.alpha]

My kids seem to be coping well. They identified in their early teens that their mother needs help and despite their plea she blamed them as the problems in her life. 

All 4 boys are aware of their mother's traits of BPD disorder via my therapist. They are able to place boundary on their mother with the acception of the younger twin (20) who is parenting his mother. We all discussed this inappropriate role with him. He is aware he should not be in that role as a parent but he found it hard to separate parenting one's parent is not a loving action.

I am truly bless as a parent that my boys are functional despite their difficult upbringing. I used to plan for them to stay away from the home as much as possible. I encouraged them to support each others and avoid being set up by their mother to resent each others. I remember them telling their mother to stop showing favouritism.

I picked them up on weekends from friends late at night to avoid tension between their parents, They found themselves great mentors who nurtured them still.

Yes it sounds like we got out of a very difficult environment intact! ?



 

[omega.alpha]

Ps: I am very grateful that the people in the church have been such a great emotional support for them.