Cut to the chase/she never loved me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Having been engaged to my ex after a year long relationship. Six weeks after our split she is on Facebook professing her undying love and potential marriage to the new guy. On Facebook.

I feel like crap.

It was my mums birthday tonight and I was noticing borderline waif traits in her big time and I know I have a sociopath father so I don't know what's going on.

I think I might be borderline and maybe my ex was more borderline than me, but I don't know.

I couldn't possibly move on from her- still have the engagement ring.

This is a nightmare. the best way to deal with it is that she did not love me ever.  She just liked what I could give her at the time and when I kicked up a fuss she rejected me.  I feel totally used and abused.  Don't feel I've ever had love that's all and loved a lunatic. Where to go to from here?

[Front runner]

Having been engaged to my ex after a year long relationship. Six weeks after our split she is on Facebook professing her undying love and potential marriage to the new guy. On Facebook.

I feel like crap.

It was my mums birthday tonight and I was noticing borderline waif traits in her big time and I know I have a sociopath father so I don't know what's going on.

I think I might be borderline and maybe my ex was more borderline than me, but I don't know.

I couldn't possibly move on from her- still have the engagement ring.

This is a nightmare. the best way to deal with it is that she did not love me ever.  She just liked what I could give her at the time and when I kicked up a fuss she rejected me.  I feel totally used and abused.  Don't feel I've ever had love that's all and loved a lunatic. Where to go to from here?

[xPaintedBlackx]

I'm sorry that the first response (unless someone beats me to it while I'm typing) is from me because I can't offer much help. I feel I'm in the same boat. Today is my birthday and in the wee hours of this morning, my dBPD exgf texted me that she hates me and that I was a waste of love... .because I didnt answer her phone call.

Today she spent MY BIRTHDAY with her children and the new guy she is entertaining and it cut like a knife. I also feel like nothing, especially of late, was ever real and that everyone is just an opportunity.

*hugs* to you and hopefully you are able to gain some strength and clarity.

[Octoberfest]

Hey guys,

I struggled with the "did she ever love me" aspect for quite awhile... .as you mentioned FR, pwBPD love us when we are giving them the things they need: attention, love, validation.  The trouble is that their perspective of these things is often worlds away from ours. This whole subject gives rise to the idea of conditional love.  I think if you were to ask my BPDex, even after all of the awful betrayals and cheating that she did on me, all of the lies, all of the things she did after the breakup to hurt me further, if she loved me at one point she would tell you that yes, she did.  So don't short yourself- your BPDex DID love you.  It's just that the love that they are capable of is not the adult, healthy love that we expect.  This may all be semantics to you, but for me it is important to believe that what I had was real, albeit very twisted and sick.

[Ironmanrises]

First step is acceptance.

[fromheeltoheal]

You were the most awesome person in the universe and perfect in your BPD's head for a while; it doesn't get any better than you.  And that was an unrealistic fantasy, but was 100% real to the BPD, from within their pathology.  Just think of the letdown they experienced when they discovered you weren't perfect; extremely painful for them, but their world is the best they can do.  Try and focus on why you fell for it and got in so deep; that's where the healing and growth are.

[Front runner]

Thank you for your replies.

Yes, Conditional Love sums it up nicely. And acceptance is the key.

Just the way she has moved on without a care or thought in the world is a haunting experience.

I consulted a psychic in desperation and she told me that she would marry this guy.  This is eating me up- I know how desperate she is to walk down the aisle... .And I'm thinking if I didn't have a four year old in tow this would have been me. A blessing in disguise, sure, but it's eating me up.

I hated the way she tried to come between me and my son in our relationship and I loathe the way I'm still letting these thoughts get to me post break up.  If I didn't have a Son we would have got married... .

It's all about what use you are to them at the time.  The new guy suits her career etc. 

What's interesting for me is that the only people giving me the running commentary on her new relationship are members of my family.  None of my friends have spoken out.

[Octoberfest]

Thank you for your replies.

Yes, Conditional Love sums it up nicely. And acceptance is the key.

Just the way she has moved on without a care or thought in the world is a haunting experience.

I consulted a psychic in desperation and she told me that she would marry this guy.  This is eating me up- I know how desperate she is to walk down the aisle... .And I'm thinking if I didn't have a four year old in tow this would have been me. A blessing in disguise, sure, but it's eating me up.

I hated the way she tried to come between me and my son in our relationship and I loathe the way I'm still letting these thoughts get to me post break up.  If I didn't have a Son we would have got married... .



It's all about what use you are to them at the time.  The new guy suits her career etc. 

What's interesting for me is that the only people giving me the running commentary on her new relationship are members of my family.  None of my friends have spoken out.

Do you really wish it was you that she was marrying? Do you wish to still live with the torment and abuse that you suffered at her hands?

I saw one of those "e cards" here recently... .it had a picture of a man slapping his forehead with an exasperated look on his face.  The quote was "It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for rest of your life".  Surely it doesn't grasp the full depth of BPD and of our relationships with people suffering from this disorder, but the message is valid.  It is strange that we find ourselves missing the very thing that caused us so much pain.

[Aussie0zborn]

Try and focus on why you fell for it and got in so deep; that's where the healing and growth are.

:-)

[bpdspell]

I feel totally used and abused.  Don't feel I've ever had love that's all and loved a lunatic. Where to go to from here?

Whoa pony.

Careful about jumping into that narrative. I'm not trying to give you false hope about your ex's feelings towards you but in all honestly you don't know how she feels. What's being said on Facebook isn't the full truth. For all you know your ex could be crying herself to sleep every night. It's a possibility no?

You can only be responsible for knowing how you feel and felt during the relationship. As you learn more about BPD/Narcissism you will begin to see that jumping out of a year long courtship and jumping into a new one is what our mentally ill ex's are capable of doing due to their disorder.

You mentioned your parents and it's actually a good place to start in terms of insight into your own reasons for almost marrying a woman who treated you poorly.

I know it hurts like hell to feel like we've lost out big on love... .but in due time you will see that you dodged a bullet.

I used to torture myself with the narrative of my ex not loving me as well. The feelings are the equivalent of chewing and swallowing glass for dinner. Not a good feeling but I had a lot to learn about BPD and mental illness in general. As I explored my Family of Origin my choice in my ex began to make all the sense in the world to me. It helped me to detach.

Your ex never loved you? I doubt that highly. She's mentally ill and lacks the capacity to sustain that love. That's the truth.

Spell

[Ironmanrises]

I feel totally used and abused.  Don't feel I've ever had love that's all and loved a lunatic. Where to go to from here?

Whoa pony.

Careful about jumping into that narrative. I'm not trying to give you false hope about your ex's feelings towards you but in all honestly you don't know how she feels. What's being said on Facebook isn't the full truth. For all you know your ex could be crying herself to sleep every night. It's a possibility no?

You can only be responsible for knowing how you feel and felt during the relationship. As you learn more about BPD/Narcissism you will begin to see that jumping out of a year long courtship and jumping into a new one is what our mentally ill ex's are capable of doing due to their disorder.

You mentioned your parents and it's actually a good place to start in terms of insight into your own reasons for almost marrying a woman who treated you poorly.

I know it hurts like hell to feel like we've lost out big on love... .but in due time you will see that you dodged a bullet.

I used to torture myself with the narrative of my ex not loving me as well. The feelings are the equivalent of chewing and swallowing glass for dinner. Not a good feeling but I had a lot to learn about BPD and mental illness in general. As I explored my Family of Origin my choice in my ex began to make all the sense in the world to me. It helped me to detach.

Your ex never loved you? I doubt that highly. She's mentally ill and lacks the capacity to sustain that love. That's the truth.

Spell

In bold.

[Aussie0zborn]

It's all about what use you are to them at the time.  The new guy suits her career etc. 

Agreed. I asked my stbexBPDw why on earth she married her second husband when they were such a mismatch. I kid you not, she said, "I wanted his sperm". I thought she was just being sensationalistic and looking for a reaction but the fact is that she wanted another child and so he was right for her at the time.

Why did she marry me? Well, I guess I helped her become financially stable.

The new guy? Well he is a convicted drug dealer and thug with anger management issues and he suits her at the moment because she needs the muscle while she tries to take me to the cleaners.

So, i would agree that it's a question of what suits them at the time.  Sometimes I think pwBPD see love in a fairly tale fashion where you are going make their life perfect.  And we know what happens at the first inkling that you're not Superman/Superwoman.

[cal644]

Here is just my two cents worth - Actually I do think they love you as long as they are getting their void filled.  My exw during one of her sain moments told me "I loved you more than I loved myself" - that's the core of it - they do love you more than themselves - so while you make them fill good and fill the void things are ok - it's when they see a chink in your armor that they turn and run - in my case it was when my brother got cancer and passed away - that's when she said she quit loving me - the reason I was focused on him and myself (how selfish of me)and was only giving her 120% instead of the 150% she was used to - when she saw me hurting she didn't know how to handle it - I was the one who was supposed to take care of her and fix her - not the other way around.  After 19 years of filling her void, after all the love, support, and patience I gave and showed to her - they cannot step up in our time of need, they cannot remember all the good, they just look for the next baidaid to fill their void for the time being.  Was it love yes - was it a mature love - no -