Hear Wife Is Sick - Should I break NC?

[confusedhubby]

Was hoping if I could get some advice.

My diagnosed BPD wife and I are in the beginning phases of a divorce. She was supposed to se the kids last week and bailed out at the last minute. Last week she wrote me a letter telling me she "never meant to hurt me" and signed it "Love". I also get the sense that she and her new boyfriend may be falling out with each other.

This morning I heard that she became ill over the weekend and had to go to doctor / hospital. I was wondering if I should call and ask if she is okay. We have been basically low contact for about 2-3 months and long stretches of NC of several weeks uin between.

[papawapa]

Is she wasnt ok she would tell you herself.

I think that by contacting her you would only be setting yourself up to get hurt. My opinion is you should stick to NC.

[Octoberfest]

I would agree.

A little over 2 months ago I had contact with my BPDex for the first time in a month.  She told me she was moving to a different town to seek treatment for Ovarian Cancer.

I ran into her little brother at the gym this past week and asked, "Hey how is your sisters cancer treatment going?"

I got a blank stare back and, "Her WHAT?"

I explained what I was talking about and he said, "Yeah... .that is a lie.  She was thinking about moving to that town but she moved back home."

I am not saying that your BPDex is lying about being sick like mine was.  But even if they are sick, they can use it as a weapon to get back into contact with you.  If it is something serious, you will hear about it.

[marbleloser]

Step back and look at reality.She has a bf.She bailed on the kids.You're in the beginning stages of divorce. You're still trying to rescue.

Which of these is under your control?

My ex still tries to engage me at times.Why? No idea! When she wants sympathy,she'll give me the details of how sick she's been,what the diagnosis was,etc.,,

I never respond.The reason is,I've detached.Her ailments and problems arent my concern anymore.Her needs and wants are hers alone.It takes time to get to this point,but it happens.

You're still somewhat attached to her,but this moment is one of those times where you can decide if you want to end that,or continue on with it.

[seeking balance]

This morning I heard that she became ill over the weekend and had to go to doctor / hospital. I was wondering if I should call and ask if she is okay. We have been basically low contact for about 2-3 months and long stretches of NC of several weeks uin between.

Depending upon the ages of your shared kids, IMHO it is still your job to keep them safe - that includes mentally/emotionally safe.  She is their mother and in the hospital - is there some other family member you can get the medical information from so you can determine the accurate way to handle with your children.

The other information regarding the letter - frankly, that doesn't seem relevant in this question - yet you brought it up.  How can you focus on the facts necessary to stay detached to parent together, yet not be doing the "what if" "what is she thinking" game with her?  Are you clear on the fact that you are divorcing based on your decision due to the facts of what is best for you family?

she is diagnosed - is she in treatment?

[musicfan42]

I am not saying that your BPDex is lying about being sick like mine was.  But even if they are sick, they can use it as a weapon to get back into contact with you.  If it is something serious, you will hear about it.

Yep-this is a really good point Octoberfest. I've actually heard of someone who is a hypochondriac... constantly says that they're sick when they're not and then finally DID actually get sick. Talk about the boy crying wolf!

I think that in cases where you're not sure if someone is telling the truth or not, it's best to just leave it up to professional services i.e. doctors, hospital etc. They have training and protocols in dealing with this kind of stuff.

[confusedhubby]

Thank you for the inputs. The problem I am having is that even though we are in divorce proceedings I still do have feelings for her and don't wish to see her get destroyed. I believe her illness is real. She has a history of playing the victim role in relationships but I believe she is really sick right now. Ideally I would like to help her get into recovery.

The reason I brought up the letter was because it is not like her to write that kind of letter. I was thinking maybe it was her atempt to rach out to me for help / guidance.

LearningCurve:  Yes, she is diagnosed but not in treatment.

[blurry]

 Funny thing, you never know if they're testing the waters for a recycle, or looking for an opportunity to throw guilt or rage at you for some reason. Or if you're gonna get no response at all. I find it rarely end up being an adult conversation between two people who care or at least cared about each other. There's usually an alterior motive from them whether they're initiating or responding to dialog.

I recently checked in on my pwBPD, for a legit reason, to express concern,  and she responded cordially before abruptly shifting to hate and blame ect. Felt like I set myself up for it. I'm still painted black for now.

I'm learning silence is the key with them no matter what the situation, with mine, I'm either black or white, and when I'm painted black, it stays that way indefinitely, till whatever it is flips in her mind and the apologies start rolling in.

[Clearmind]

I would agree with seeking balance. NC is near impossible when there is children involved. Low contact or controlled contact is a great way to detach and keep distance however still parent on the important stuff.

NC protects us however it does little to help any kids involved.