When you see people who resembles her.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't look at photos of her for several months. They are stored far away so I can't look at them.

But once in while I see photos of people that resembles her. It can be on the internet or TV. Today I surfed a website and there where pictures of a couple getting married. The location looked like a place we went for vacation.  It looked like her from distance, but it wasn't. It triggered my emotions immediately and my heart still started racing. I couldn't breathe and my body started to shake and muscles became weak.

I can't control what the internet might show me. Then I need to disable all images in my browser and stop watching TV.

Detachment is hard.

[huhhuh]

I haven't look at photos of her for several months. They are stored far away so I can't look at them.

But once in while I see photos of people that resembles her. It can be on the internet or TV. Today I surfed a website and there where pictures of a couple getting married. The location looked like a place we went for vacation.  It looked like her from distance, but it wasn't. It triggered my emotions immediately and my heart still started racing. I couldn't breathe and my body started to shake and muscles became weak.

I can't control what the internet might show me. Then I need to disable all images in my browser and stop watching TV.

Detachment is hard.

[nolisan]

I can relate!

A week ago I was coming out of a store and saw "her" walking towards me in the parking lot. My stomach jumped up my throat! As "she" got closer I noticed she was smiling - that REALLY freaked me out. I wanted to run the other way.

As she got closer I saw it wasn't her - a wave of relief swept through me.

But man did she ever look like the ex!

I saw her at a public event a few days ago. I studied her closer - same hair color/cut and body type but different facial features. I had a vague urge to say hello but thought better of it. Would be way to weird to get to know her!

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Nolisan,

     I'm so glad you posted this!  Seeing my pwBPD in photos of vaguely similar-looking people or when I see someone else has been an unfortunate part of my life for a very long time.  Even now that I have a decent handle on being over my pwBPD, I still "see" her fairly frequently.  It is really annoying.  I think it's because our battle as nons is between our logical conscious mind and our completely silent subconscious one.  It's the voiceless subconscious that wants the r/s back and it is constantly on the lookout for 'her' because the pwBPD is someone really important to that part of us.  When there is any possibility someone (or their photo) might be her, that part of our mind acts the only way it can -- emotionally.  I've gotten to a point where I pretty much laugh it off now, as it really is pretty silly to be constantly excited to find someone you truly want to avoid.  When I look at what my pwBPD does I imagine I'm looking at her in an aquarium -- interesting but it can't touch me.  This seemingly strange behavior we nons have is something I look at with the same distance.  It's just something weird that really can't touch me.

LT

[seeking balance]

ptsd is very real in these breakups, so try not to be too hard on yourselves for you reaction to a fearful/painful image.

I have been divorced with zero contact for 2+ years and a few weeks ago I thought I saw my ex at the beach.  My heart beat increased and my breathing shallowed... .I had to remind myself, "it is not her" and "if it is her, I am ok".

Positive self talk is very powerful for lessening these effects.  Within 5 minutes, I was fine.  I did NOT allow my mind to ruminate, I breathed and focused on my gratitude list now.  I didn't even need to call anyone to talk about it - it truly was out of my mind & body.

Recovery is a process of simple things done daily so when we do get triggered or stressed, we can pull these tools out rather then the old patterns.

[Reg]

Hi huhhuh,

Hang in there.  You'll get there.  It is hard, it is not easy, I'm not going to say it was easy for myself as well.  But there's hope !

I'm in a stage where I can see photo's from my ex.  I did some weeks ago.  (BTW she looked old and tired)  I have no longer a problem with it.  It may be hard to imagine that now, that such a thing is possible, but it will come, you need to give yourself some time.  That's what it takes, time, and picking up the pieces and friends of your life before the relationship, doing new things, enjoying life again.  Being honest with yourself.

Seeing my ex or someone who looks like her, I don't have this anymore.  Except once, some weeks ago, when she was driving a replacement car, and passing my door when I did shut the garage door.  But that was actually her, same license plate as well.  You know what I did feel ?  I felt sorry for her that she didn't understand her own self.  :)rove over 55 miles just in the hope to see my face... . Not one hair on my head that would think about doing the same - anymore.  I felt bad for her.  It made me shake my head.  Nothing else.

Hang in there !  Rome wasn't constructed in one day, recovery from a toxic relationship neither.

Keep talking ! Or writing    it helps !

Reg

[huhhuh]

Yes, I guess it's a PTSD reaction. I hope you guys are right that it will stop at some point.

[goldylamont]

huhhuh, totally understandable how you felt. it's crazy and like one of the moderators pointed out i do feel like the shaking and high anxiety are ptsd symptoms.

my advice would be to do this--find those pics that set off the ptsd symptoms in you. print them out or bring them up on your computer, and then work through it. it always helps me to look at the emotions i have as gifts, challenging gifts that give me an opportunity to understand my own pain and work with it. during the initial months after breaking up, i would look at a pic of the ex that would make me upset, and i would breath slowly, close my eyes and allow myself to feel the anxiety. not to push it away but to *feel* what i was feeling, *understand* how my body felt. just watching it. and then breathing through it, eventually it would pass. i remember even sometimes when the rush of emotion would pass completely i'd say to myself "no! come back here so i can understand you better!", . the point i'm trying to make is that you can work on these emotions in the safety of your own privacy, so that you are better prepared if/when the chance encounter occurs of you running into your ex. you'll know what your body will do, you will know how to calm and maintain yourself. so, if this feeling happens again and you can find privacy, welcome it as a challenge and learning tool 

this way, you're getting something out of the experience