It Gets Better

[Redux]

Hi all-

I want to send out a line of hope to those of you struggling with this horrible syndrome and the ways it can damage your life, relationships and, most of all, your inner sense of yourself.

I walked out of an 8 year marriage (12 year relationship) this past January, filed right away, and finally acted upon what I now understand to be the single most important piece of advice I had read and re-read for years on this site:  absolute, inflexible, unquestioned NC.

The move was incredibly hard, the costs, the emotions, the almost PTSD-like revisits of traumas, thoughts, disbelief, etc. 

I had been in therapy for, I only realized today, at least five years before I got to this point.  My resistance to giving up, getting out, and focusing on myself was at least as much of my problem as the unbelievable behavior of my partner.

When it was time to go or die, I went; when I could no longer engage at all, I no longer engaged at all.  And when I was gone and not engaged, over the course of the next 9 months or so, I found myself rediscovering my capacity for friendships, my relationships with my family (even some important conflicts with my family could be acknowledged), my passion for creativity and experiences, and entered a period of growth that I feel is like a gift.

My work life has blossomed and I faced down my stbx in divorce proceedings (now seeing her as an astonishingly uncharismatic ball of selfish symptoms, aggression, delusion, someone who sparks an aura of danger around her that repels me).  She still can't believe she doesn't own me as the repository for her infantile rage and shame.  To be frank, my NC extends this far:  I don't look at her or speak to her, even during negotiations.  That's what I pay a lawyer for. 

I don't think you can rush this step, but I want to say explicitly that my recovery, when I was ready (or in desperate need) depended most of all on one thing only, something I had read a hundred times on this site but never acted on.

The message is this:  when you break, break completely.  NC is the way.  It will hurt.  You will doubt.  But think of it like withdrawal, like triggers, like signs that you carry your susceptibility to the poison within you, and that protecting yourself means enduring those feelings.  There is no happiness back in that mix.  It isn't even that attractive.  Stop dealing with the other person -- at all if possible, bare minimum in not -- and just watch your strength grow against the impulses to reengage.  It will get better, then worse, then better again, until your body and soul drains out the toxic addiction . . . which only feels bottomless; it will drain out.

It does get better.  I will put my own masochistic tendencies at about 97/100, and I could do it. 

NC is the most important thing I ever learned here, and it has saved my life.

And now I'm happier than I have been in 10 years.  Hell, I'm even finally ready to have a drink with a nice and seemingly well-balanced woman this evening.  She might run away when I tell her about my experience, but so what?  One day, maybe, someone else won't.  But I'm not going into that hell ever again.

And I no longer wake up and have every day and moment haunted with the horrible negative feelings injected into my by my BPDstbx. 

So, writing from the other side:  it does get better.  A lot better.  When you are ready to jump, or simply can't avoid it any longer, go NC all the way.  That is the key.

Not that articulate, but this is something like a thank you gift to those of you who have helped me see my situation, given me hope, and reminded me to trust myself.

Godspeed to you all.





But I never strayed from NC, and now I realize it was kind of like someone who realizes they don't have control over their relation to a substance or a behavior.  Without thinking about my ex, or about how another person might be able to satisfy or survive her, it became clear over time (basically, through my getting better and better), that she is some kind of toxic obsession that I have no control over and I just need to swear off.

Even if you doubt NC as you go through with it, I'm telling you the withdrawal feelings are part of the sick attachment -- and they will and do get less and less and finally go away.

I don't want to rehearse all the details of my relationship--partly b/c I sense myself becoming healthier now that I no longer feel the need to do so, in my own head or to others, on a constant basis.

The short story is this.  I left w/o specific warning in January.  I filed right away.  The divorce is about to go through, and I happily learned (in a rather pathetic conflict this past week) that it will go through on my terms.  My ex will not destroy me financially.

My marriage lasted 8 years, the relationship 2 more.  I moved out (w/o specific warning) in January, found a place and filed within a week.  The sudden move really upset my stbxw's sense of my status as a thing she could do what she wish

[love4meNOTu]

Hi Redux-

My divorce was finalized September 9, 2013. I didn't look at him, even once. I didn't need or want to.

I too, went NC, and filed for divorce immediately. I have been in therapy since March, and my therapist kept repeating to me... ."You can't fix this". It took me a long time to accept that truth. I was going on protective instinct... .the rages at me were one thing, but in front of my children? To this day, I cannot believe he let himself do that to us. This was final straw for me, when I probably would have stayed longer and tried to "work things out".

It would have been another matter entirely if he had acknowledged the problems he caused instead of blaming me entirely, but that's not the way this disease works.

I sincerely wish you the best, and kudos to both of us for getting out and having a second chance to rediscover who we really are. Good people who loved, are trusting, and are capable of loving again.

[Ironmanrises]

Excellent post Redux.

NC is the only way.

[Clearmind]

I was NC for a while then saw him on occassion. I had to learn new coping skills to deal with these situations. If I saw him I could not care less - and I do sometimes.

While we are talking about strict NC - what happens if you do see your ex? For some it may be inevitable - funeral, wedding, day at the beach, shopping at the same market!

While NC is all well and good while you are NC - I have seen it countless times where members run into their ex a year or two later and come back post here about how devastated they are.

It only feels better while you don't bump into them accidentally and lots of members here with kids.

[mannaguy]

Hi Redux-

my therapist kept repeating to me... ."You can't fix this". It took me a long time to accept that truth. I was going on protective instinct... .the rages at me were one thing, but in front of my children?

Great! I had a therapist(for years) but although he was great for me in alot of ways, I found that he could not keep up with the damage

inflicted upon me by my ex. As soon as I was healing one trauma(rage-blame-fest-assault) there would be another & all that previous healing work would unravel.

I know have a new therapist who thought my x was BPD 'not'

Biplor(or perhaps both) as she had told me.And that the chances of her coming down to earth & being 'relationship ready' were slim to nill(unles... .oneday... .etc... .) He had clients that were BPD.

He gets it.So now armed with that understanding from him I feel safer to address my own issues of co-dependence/traumatic bonding/PTSD like symptoms.

I have a young son.She only met him 3 times in a 2 & 1/2 year period.

Partly because things were so rocky between us or she was constantly depressed or enraged and also I didn't trust what might happen.

One night she showed up drunk when he was in bed.Which really concerned me.

Now I feel ashamed/horrified that I let someone so tormented near my precious child!

I am NC by police/court ruling.Restraining order against her.

M

[peas]

Thank you for the reminder that NC works. I'm three months broken up from my BPDbf and two and a half months mutual NC.

I still think of him every waking minute and I struggle to keep NC, but I stick to it because I know it is an important tool in healing. NC itself is a big distraction -- it requires so much mental and emotional energy -- but it's less distracting than enduring the BPD environment. Also, the NC healing tactic applies to most breakups, not just BPD ones. I did this after a bad breakup with a non-BPD guy and it worked wonders in helping me get over him. I hope it works again. Today I struggled more than usual with NC. I think it's because it's now fall, my favorite season, and the season I met my exBPD guy.  

And this is beautiful; real clarity in your perception of the pwBPD:

now seeing her as an astonishingly uncharismatic ball of selfish symptoms, aggression, delusion

You sound like you are in a positive, forward place right now. Keep up the hard work. It's nice to feel good for a change.

[peas]

Clearmind, THIS scares me:

While NC is all well and good while you are NC - I have seen it countless times where members run into their ex a year or two later and come back post here about how devastated they are.

I wonder a lot about what would happen if I ran into my ex. He and I had a long distance r/s, so I am in another city hours away. There is little chance of running into him in my city. However, I frequently visit my last city, where he and I met and began dating before I had to move for work, and I am always looking over my shoulder there wondering if he will be in the next car over at a stoplight, if I will walk into a bar where he is drinking, or if I go to the grocery store and see him in an aisle. I wonder how I will handle it.

I imagine several scenarios: I see him and just start crying on the spot, I smile and walk away, we start making out right then and there, he scowls at me, or he just ignores me.

I also think about seeing him and he's wearing a wedding ring (he wanted to marry be before breaking up with me) or is out with a woman. If I saw that I would probably burst into tears.

[Aussie0zborn]

That's very inspirational, Redux. Thanks for sharing and godspeed to you too.

[Clearmind]

Clearmind, THIS scares me:

While NC is all well and good while you are NC - I have seen it countless times where members run into their ex a year or two later and come back post here about how devastated they are.

I wonder a lot about what would happen if I ran into my ex. He and I had a long distance r/s, so I am in another city hours away. There is little chance of running into him in my city. However, I frequently visit my last city, where he and I met and began dating before I had to move for work, and I am always looking over my shoulder there wondering if he will be in the next car over at a stoplight, if I will walk into a bar where he is drinking, or if I go to the grocery store and see him in an aisle. I wonder how I will handle it.

I imagine several scenarios: I see him and just start crying on the spot, I smile and walk away, we start making out right then and there, he scowls at me, or he just ignores me.

I also think about seeing him and he's wearing a wedding ring (he wanted to marry be before breaking up with me) or is out with a woman. If I saw that I would probably burst into tears.

The only way I could test my resolve and how I had detached was to test the waters. NC is OK while we are in full flight of feeling low then we really need to start to process our part of the relationship and heal from the inside out rather than rely solely on NC to forget.

[mannaguy]

NC worked during my last break a year ago to start healing.My cell provider told me they blocked her number.Didnt work.3 months later... .

I lived an hour away at time & had no need to be anywhere near her.

Last April I move 20 mins from her(thinking that this will make our RS soo much easier!)... .then it was over(her break).

After a long & a painful break up I fianlly felt OK: I accept!

shes walks over uninvited... .then all hell broke loose.

Anyways I am extremely nervous... to 'bump' into her... specially if she were drinking ... .or she stalked me... again... .

I want to move back to the burbs!

M

[Holliday]

The message is this:  when you break, break completely.  NC is the way.  It will hurt.  You will doubt.  But think of it like withdrawal, like triggers, like signs that you carry your susceptibility to the poison within you, and that protecting yourself means enduring those feelings.  There is no happiness back in that mix.  It isn't even that attractive.  Stop dealing with the other person -- at all if possible, bare minimum in not -- and just watch your strength grow against the impulses to reengage.  It will get better, then worse, then better again, until your body and soul drains out the toxic addiction . . . which only feels bottomless; it will drain out.

NC is the most important thing I ever learned here, and it has saved my life.

Thank you Redux for framing it in this way for me... I have tried and failed with NC a few times now, and each time my pwBPD's behaviour is worse and worse to the point where I absolutely hate myself. Every time I've faltered because of loneliness, worry about how he hurts himself, worry that he has no one to turn to but me, or complete doubt about my actions - not to mention the insecurity about being alone again... From what you're saying I have to just endure those feelings. They are inevitable, but they will dissipate eventually

When I look at him like you suggest, that he is a drug. That NC is like the detox or the half way house to a sober life... I can see it as my only safe bubble. In the safety of NC I can manage those initial heavy feelings and work on getting stronger. Instead of cringing every time my cell goes off or there's a knock at the door or reacting to whatever he is doing to get my attention.

I heard once the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Now it's time to do something different, tried and tested by people like you, and just have the hope that it will get better in time... *sigh* here we go...

[Herculite]

Yes nice result Redux.

As Clearmind mentioned, when you have children, it isn't a possibility to go complete NC, if you want your children in your life.

My STBXW is even trying to derail our custody orders so she can manipulate me and prevent what would be as close to NC as is possible when you co-parent.