Desperate and Depressed

[izzitme]

I need to express the pain that I am in.  My SO doesn't have a diagnosis of BPD but his friend of 25 years who is a mental health clinician told me to read up on it cuz she believes he has traits.  My own therapist in watching his cycle believes this also.  He has me doubting my own sanity.  My self-esteem has plummeted and I am doubting myself.  I react to his push pull behavior and he ends up telling me that I have problems.  He pays for me to go to his ex wife's therapist because he feels that he does everything right and I react because of issues from childhood. He tells me what a martyr he is for staying with someone who puts him through so much.  He called me a miserable human being who is depressing to be around.  Whenever I try to explain my side of things and how I feel I get screamed at, demeaned or this past weekend told to go find someone else.  I stay because there is an element of truth to one gripe he has against me.  I landed an awesome job after putting myself through school as a woman in my 30s and with that I finally had enough.  Instead of me being a mature adult who is in control I starting acting pissed off.  This opened his wrath against me and I haven't recovered since.  He uses this for all that is wrong in the relationship and takes no responsibility because of it.  My "constant anger" toward him is the hook he hangs all his behavior on.   A year ago it was that I was too loving and he felt I was trying to trap him in a pregnancy and marriage and he needed a woman who was completely independent.  Then it was my kids and he dragged me to couples counseling because he wants to be able to be angry with my kids when we are visiting him ( We don't live together).  I even suspect (as did my mother privately) that he fakes crisis.  I have never seen this much drama happen to someone, ever.  I stay because I want the days back that he was so loving and attentive to me.  He took me all over the world and we have had the most romantic times ever.  But I am suffering deep in my soul.  My ex husband never treated me in a mentally or emotionally abusive way.  We grew apart and I'm still friends with him.  I even asked him if he experienced me the way my SO says he does and my ex said no, not to believe it.   I need help because I am spiraling further into depression.  :'(

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.