I lost my mother in Dec. and my uBPDd refused to even call

[marcime]

I lost my mother in December after a long illness.  I called and spoke with my son-in-law and granddaughters but my uBPDd refused to speak with me.  She has refused to speak with me for 4 years although she did text me for a while at first.  I went to see them and she refused to allow me to see my granddaughters although I was grieving for my mother and needed comfort.  I am now completely alone and trying to make a life change so that I can move to NYC to be near my son.  My uBPDd put all of us through hell after we lost my husband 10 years ago.  Her response was to  go on a 7 year drug binge and her co-dependent husband would call me for help.  I called him to allow me to see my granddaughters that I helped raise while their mother was on drugs and he said he would talk to my uBPDd. She has convinced her husband that I caused her drug use because of severe emotional abuse which never happened.  But he believes her and she has read all of the literature on BPD and is telling my sweet granddaughters that I have it, not her.  My uBPDd has also been dx as bi-polar by 2 psychiatrists but I'm not sure if she is bipolar or not. 

I'm really having a very difficult time.  I went through Neurofeedback training and had good results at first but then I actually seem to be worse.  I'm not sure.  I'm coping but I really just want to die.  Every day is a struggle.  My son is good to me and I have a few very devoted friends and family but no one near me.  I wasn't able to start a new life after I lost my husband because of my uBPDd's drug use and then my mother got sick and I cared for her.  My only real joy was my granddaughters and now I not allowed any contact at all with them except through my son-in-law's mother who gives them my cards and gifts that I send her.  I miss them so much.  I am trying to hold on until I can change my life situation.  I have a wonderful therapist but I am just so lonely. 

I've been rejected by my uBPDd and my uBPDfather (again).  I feel like a leper.  I helped everyone and now I'm being punished.

I do realize that I must build a new life for myself and that I am still grieving for my mother and my husband.  I know I am also feeling sorry for myself (trying not to) but it is just so hard to give and give and then just be slapped in the face. 

I truly believed my mother's passing would bring us all together but my uBPDd was just so cruel to me and her husband is co-dependent.

Thank you all for letting me vent.  Everyone tells me, "Remember you are the sane one" but some nights are so much harder than others.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Hi Marcime,

Welcome to this board.

I know you will get support and kindness here and hope it helps.

I lost my first husband ten years ago as well and the reason I am here is my new husband's dBPDDD22. I have been her step-mom since she was 14/15. It is very hard to build a new life for yourself after the loss of a long-time spouse. I can't imagine trying to do so with an acting out borderline in the mix.

I have also recently lost my Mom. I was away from home (in Florida) in North Carolina for months at a time for the last three years. My Mom was living with my brother and sister-in-law and they were overwhelmed by the situation so I did what I could to be there for everyone involved. The last stint, when my Mom finally passed away, I was gone for two months straight.

My SD never called me or texted me during this time. Her Mom died when she was 12/13. I realize she is young, however, it sort of surprised me (and since I know her lack of empathy in most situations I am sort of upset with myself that I let it matter) that she didn't communicate with me as I am THERE for her in any sort of similar situation. About two months later she finally showed her face around our house again (she doesn't live with us now) and asked me "so, how are you?" I knew she was referring to my Mom's death and my loss and I told her that it was a process and that today I am fine. She's never brought it up again.

This is not an area of her life where she has any skills. Twice since I've been in her life I've had medical crises. She never came to visit me in the hospital, never gave me a card, never asked me how I was feeling, how I was healing, and even though we lived under the same roof at the time for one of these crises, never asked to bring me so much as a drink of water. For two months I was stuck on the couch except to get up for the bathroom and she would daily walk past where I was laying without so much as a grunt of compassion. Her Dad would go into her room every morning and tell her I needed her help and that when she was at home she should try to do what she could for me.

Additionally, during this time, she finally came clean about her drug addiction (long story) and went into a sober-house and as a result, during a time when I was at my worst, in terms of needing assistance, my husband had to take his focus off of me and put a lot of it onto her. This came to an argumentative head when after he was spending three nights a week for two weeks, sitting with her in the courtyard of her sober house where she smoked cigarettes and complained about the other drug addicts she was living with I finally asked him to spend these nights at home with me.

I am so glad you have a good relationship with your son. and I hope your dreams of living closer to him will come to fruition. Rebuilding is a step-by-step process and none of it is easy. When I finally decided to start rebuilding my life I made some wrong turns but finally found myself again. It you try to describe the difficulties of this, most people, unless they have been through it, will simply not be able to understand OR they will give you the "I would just give up if I lost my husband" speech. Try to figure out some things you truly enjoy and spend some time on these things, indulge yourself.

People here have unrestrained compassion and empathy. I've also found a lot of help, especially in my early days of widowhood through a similar website devoted to young widows. If you are interested, I can send you a link to that site by private message. Just let me know. That site is mostly more recently widowed folks but even if you are ten years into the process there is a lot of wisdom there.

Here, you can learn tools for a better relationship with your BPD daughter.  As far fetched as it seems, tools such as validation and radical acceptance can improve things and you will feel more like you are moving in a positive direction with her. Maybe it will help the situation with seeing your grandkids.

Hang in there and keep posting. I am just one of many with plenty of    for you!

Look forward to hearing from you again.

Thursday

[vivekananda]

Hi Marcime   

It's good to see you back but sad that it is in such sorry circumstances.   

For me there is one issue in your story: one is for the grief you feel with the people in your life such as your dd and your gchildren and father; one is for the grief in losing the people you best wishes, your husband, your mom; and another is the grief you feel for your lost hopes and yourself.

When things become so overwhelming, we get lost and depression is a real concern. I am worried for you marcime that your depression is too overwhelming. I hear you are seeing a T, and I am glad you are with us, but is there anyone else that you can call for face to face contact. You mention friends and that sounds positive. have you ever investigated joining a group for family and loved ones with pw BPD in their lives? I know that with depression that it is hard to get motivated to do anything, but it is in your hands to get up and do something. Perhaps the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) will know of such a group?

You need fresh air and exercise to help you feel better. You need to change your self talk to stop looking for others to blame and to learn to accept what you cannot change - that's a waste of your good energy to spend time wanting something to change which you have no control over.

I want to remind you of our prayer: "give me strength to change what I can change, the grace to accept what I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference between the two."

The only thing you can change is yourself. I know you understand this. We are here to help you with this too. Please stay in touch and we can work through this.

Vivek    

[marcime]

Thank you Thursday,  It sounds like you have a really tough time as well.  Thank you for sharing your story,it helps to know I'm not alone in all this. I hope things get better for you.

Hi Vivek ,  I was having a really bad night.  I'm not as isolated all the time.  Weekends are hard because my friends here have their family time.  I need to plan things to do on weekends.  I've pulled myself up a lot since all of the stuff with my uBPDd happened in Jan.  I made the mistake of getting my hopes up.  But I do exercise a lot.  I bike outdoors along the bay, go to exercise classes at the Y and have lunch with my good friend here.  I've signed up for some language classes that will start in a few weeks and am looking for other things to do as well. 

I cut back a lot to take care of my mother , especially and now I have to fill that time.  It's hard because my mom and I were always very close. 

I do blame my uBPDd for the drug binge after my husband died. But only because  she is blaming me for what she did. I was happy that she turned her life around and was really forgiving and looking ahead, then she created a monster to blame out of me.  She sends me emails that I can't reply to as her email blocks my replies.  She refuses to speak to me or see me and tells my son that "I am just the biological unit that gave birth to her".  When she was still speaking to me, she told me  so many cruel things that I didn't even reply to except once and that is the only thing she remembers. It was when I scolded her after she was very mean to her oldest daughter and made her cry for no reason.

She is either really delusional or lying - I'm not sure which.  My therapist thinks she is using anger against me because anger and projection are easier to deal with than guilt. 

I'm willing to forget the past and move forward but she seems to enjoy being cruel to people and animals.  I just want to be able to spend some time with my granddaughters.  My son-in-law was letting them visit me for a summer vacation until 2 Years ago when we went on a Disney cruise and we all had just the best time .  It made my uBPDd furious and that is when she cut me and my mother off .  She did not allow my mom to see or talk to her great-granddaughters for the last 2 years of her life. 

I do realize I must start a new life where I am not a caregiver for the first time in almost 16 years and I am moving in that direction. But it's hard not to have sad days.  Sunday was special for my mom and me, so that's the day I have to make sure I fill.  It's also the most difficult because it's a family day for most people. 

It's funny because I've signed up to volunteer for several charities and it's like finding a job!  I had to fill out applications and now am waiting for someone to call me.  I had no idea so many people are signing up to volunteer for things. 

You know I do understand that I can only change myself but to just suddenly be forbidden from any contact with my granddaughters because my uBPDd was upset that they had a lot of fun with me is just so difficult.  I raised them while she was wasted on Vicodin and now I'm the "bad influence" that she says she must protect them from?  BPD is such an impossible disorder to deal with. 

Thank you both, for your kind words.  I'm hanging in there.  : )

[Thursday]

Marcime,

Good to see your name here again!

Grief is something we have to address until it eases in our hearts, otherwise, we keep chipping away at it and it never gets smaller. Right now, I imagine you are still working through your Mom's death. I felt somewhat surprised at how intensely I grieved my Mom. Having already grieved my first husband's death and given that my Mom was 90 and this was such a different situation than my husband (49 when he died) it was stunning to feel the strong sense of loss again. Just last night I heard one of the songs I played for my Mom as she was passing and it just brought me to my knees!

Such is grief.

When you mention your daughter being cruel to animals I can see the degree of her dysfunction. It must be frightening to have her responsible for your grandchildren.

I have a hunch that, like my husband, your DD lashes out at you the way she does because in the past you have "taken it". My husband, when we first me, allowed (or didn't correct) his DD (my SD) when she called him names. He is very laid back and low key but this lovely aspect of his personality has exacerbated his dealings with SD.

I told you my story to let you know that there is someone who has gone through similar difficulties. We have gone through so much and truth is, these days my SD is doing OK. She is sober and has maintained her sobriety for over two years. She is working and beginning to pay back a debt for an expensive car repair that we paid for about six months ago.

Chances are she will cycle back to not doing so well. We have made big changes to the way she was previously enabled. It was a hard thing for my husband and he still has his moments. My main focus in being here is to ensure that he and SD maintain a healthy relationship. This focus has changed, when I first came here I was just lost with how to help anyone and I have learned so much.

Forgetting the past and moving on is very important and I'm glad you can do this. Until your daughter wants to change, not much will change with her. Big changes can happen if you adjust your paradigm with her... .

My therapist thinks she is using anger against me because anger and projection are easier to deal with than guilt

and I think another little (or big) piece of this is that she uses anger against you... .because she can. Can you think of ways to disengage when she heaps this anger on you?

I think you are taking so many RIGHT steps. Had to chuckle when you talked about filling out applications to volunteer. I volunteered to work at the woman's shelter when I was newly widowed and I had to take a class to do so. I was up for it, but I was the only new volunteer and they put me in a little room alone for hours at a time to take their course online... .I couldn't do it! However, I also volunteered for Special Olympics and that was a wonderful experience... .no training just hand clapping and cheering at the events and I got so many hugs too.

I have no wisdom to advise you about your grandkids but there are others here who will.

 

Thursday

[vivekananda]

Marcine, you have done well to get out and about. That must help you feel better. Yes, Sundays can be hard, if you are the religious type, there is always church. Another choice could be a walking group. Where I am this is when the walking groups go on walks into the countryside ... to commune with nature. If you have any 'soup kitchens' Sunday lunch is a lovely time with the homeless people.

I can see that you need time to sit with your grief. I was wondering that when your dd said those cruel things to you, whether you did feel some guilt. I know when my dd did the same, I couldn't help but feel guilt and questioned what I did again and again. I wonder whether you are familiar with the concept of FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt), when we feel any of these things, our perception of situations becomes clouded - like a fog. We don't see as clearly as we would normally be able to because we are stuck in our own feelings. There is a workshop here that may help:

SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG"

Here on the boards, we are able to learn to live with our grief. For myself, my dd32 basically wants no truck with me because she believes I abused her all her life. Now I don't have grandchildren to mourn as well, but coming to grips with my dd's painful decision to have either no contact or limited contact was hard. I would like to share with you the way that I have learned to come to grips with this, how I learned to change myself.

There are many of us here, as you know, who are on the same journey. All learning together how to live with a BPD child in our lives, how to improve our relationship with them.

Let me know if the FOG info was helpful, ok? Let me know if there is any way I can help, ok?


Vivek     

[pessim-optimist]

I just found this thread, have to sign off for right now, but please accept my    

Hang in there, marcime, you will get through... .   

[marcime]

Hi Pessim-Optimist,

Thanks for the kind words.  I am hanging in there and I'm determined not to wallow in misery.  It's just really lonely for me, right now.  I'm getting out , volunteering, seeing friends and working out.  I'm just in a holding pattern waiting to try and move on.  It's difficult.  I've never been alone before.

Vivek and Thursday, thank you again for your kind words.  It's true, I really did think over and over what it was that I might have done to cause this. Then she sent me an email spelling out what she was angry about and most of it either didn't happen or happened in a completely different way from the "blaming mom" context that she used.  I think that was the most disturbing in a way because it validates my fears that she is uBPD for sure. 

I ache for my granddaughters but I've tried to talk to her husband ( he's a classic co-dependent) and nothing comes of it.  So I have to accept that and move on with my life.  And that is the hardest part.  I've been a mom, daughter, wife and caregiver all of my life.  I'm trying to hang in there and I won't give up, but life is just so hard.

[pessim-optimist]

Oh marcime, I just wish I could give you a real 

You are doing so many good things... .How is your relationship with your son?

I think if anyone was in your situation, they would be having a very hard time... .Do you have access to a therapist? It might help to talk all these things out. Sometimes it may also help to just have someone to talk to when we are really down - there are help lines set up for that, and you can just chat with people who are trained to help. How would you feel about that do you think that you might want to try?

[HarmKrakow]

Hi Pessim-Optimist,

Thanks for the kind words.  I am hanging in there and I'm determined not to wallow in misery.  It's just really lonely for me, right now.  I'm getting out , volunteering, seeing friends and working out.  I'm just in a holding pattern waiting to try and move on.  It's difficult.  I've never been alone before.

Vivek and Thursday, thank you again for your kind words.  It's true, I really did think over and over what it was that I might have done to cause this. Then she sent me an email spelling out what she was angry about and most of it either didn't happen or happened in a completely different way from the "blaming mom" context that she used.  I think that was the most disturbing in a way because it validates my fears that she is uBPD for sure. 

I ache for my granddaughters but I've tried to talk to her husband ( he's a classic co-dependent) and nothing comes of it.  So I have to accept that and move on with my life.  And that is the hardest part.  I've been a mom, daughter, wife and caregiver all of my life.  I'm trying to hang in there and I won't give up, but life is just so hard.

Nothing else than respect for you. Keep fighting, seriously. Even if you don't want to, do it for the users on this board. Please, please do! 

[Reality]

Marcime,

So much has happened in your life.  It is what it is.  Be very gentle to your self.  It is a very difficult time for you.  

Have you read Valerie Porr's book, Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder?  Many people find it helpful.  My favorite chapter is the one on Mentalization.  Shari Manning's book, Loving Someone with BPD, is also very good.

Just ideas.

Reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

marcime,

Okay, this is my third attempt to reply.  Computer problems!

I am sorry for the recent loss of your mother.  I am primary caregiver for my mom.  She is 88. She has senile dementia. 

You have been through so much.  Your husband died and your dd got into drugs.  My uBPDd is an opiate addict, now in methadone maintenance treatment.  She has a 6 y.o. son, so I can relate to watching kids while mom is out looking for her next fix.  My dd kept my gs away for me for one day.  I knew it wouldn't last, for the mere reason that she needed me to watch him.  I think that if she had others, I may be in same boat.  I never thought that my dd would use my gs like that, but she was in a major meltdown.    But,  she did not talk to my dh for two months, and she still does not talk to my son.  We have such dysfunction!

It seems that you are doing all that you can.   I didn't realize there was so much hassles with volunteering.  I know when my mom is gone, I plan on volunteering for hospice. 

As far as seeing your grandchildren, have you checked out grandparents visitation rights in your state?

peaceplease