She's on TV tomorrow - What reaction should I expect from myself?

[NiceGuy83]

Hey guys,

It's been very nearly 6 months since she left, and broadly I'm doing ok.

Recently, work has been consuming my life, so not much time to go out and socialise, and a bit too much time ruminating.  I've come to terms with the fact that my ex was never going to 'get better', and that I was always going to be her emotional punching bag until she flipped.  I've come to terms with the fact that she was always going to cheat and leave me, eventually, no matter what I did.  I've come to terms with the fact that, although she left me, a stable professional, for an older recovering alcoholic (like her) who frankly isn't half as good looking, that's really no reflection on me (or him).

What I haven't truly done, however, I suspect, is get over her.  6 months on, and I have no inclination to date anyone else.  This is bizarre, as in the past I have gone straight from one relationship to the next, but this time I find myself not interested in anyone else.  I do find myself thinking about her most days, even though there is no contact, and hasn't been for over 3 months.  I still consider her stunningly beautiful.

Now that last part takes a little bit of explaining, because she was far from physically perfect.  Her complexion was often bad.  Her body was, after 35 years and 2 kids, frankly a little worse for wear.  BUT, I never really saw that, and still don't when I look at photo's of us.  All I see is a beautiful woman who I loved (or believed I did).

Now, tomorrow she is going to be on TV.  She's going to be dolled up, and probably flirting outrageously with the guy on the show, as I know she fancies him.  I also know I'm going to watch; there's no point kidding myself.  What I could do with doing is preparing myself, so I could use your advice.

I'm nervous... .butterflies in my stomach just thinking about seeing her move and smile, hearing her laugh and her voice.  What I could do with knowing is this:  is this going to upset me very badly?  Am I going to end up taking a step backwards in terms of getting over her?  Have you been in a similar situation, and what was your reaction/experience?

I'd really value any input on this one.

Cheers,

NiceGuy.

[Octoberfest]

Niceguy-

You say you know you are going to watch, that there is no point in kidding yourself... .but you also seem pretty confident that it is going to be hard on you, that it may drag up some painful emotions.

A question for you:

Who exactly is running the show (meaning this situation, your life, NOT the TV show)?

Ok, it was rhetorical... .YOU are!

If seeing her on TV is going to upset you, DON'T watch it.  If detaching is truly the path you want to/know you must walk down, it seems to me that you are doing little more than torturing yourself.  There may come a time where you run into your BPDex unexpectedly in public, and you are forced to deal with a confrontation that you did not ask for.  But in a situation like this, you have a choice whether or not you want to deal with the confrontation... .and if you know it is going to do NOTHING but cause you grief, that it is not necessary, you don't NEED to watch the show, why make yourself suffer through it?

Be kind to yourself.

[HostNoMore]

NG83,

Octoberfest told you straight up on the who is running the show question.  You literally have the power button on the remote control in your hands.  Your choice is to touch the hot stove or to not touch the hot stove as I you know what will happen if you do touch it.

My exBPD will probably never be on TV, but at six months out I would not have enjoyed very much it is all I will say.  After two years(1.5 years total NC), I still would not watch her.  You may not be able to do NC if children are involved, but LC is the next best thing to it.

Detachment is very difficult at first but gets way easier with practice and time.  I would recommend that you not watch her as a baby step towards detaching yourself from her.  Do not watch her.  It will make you feel much better than the alternative.  Take back your power.

[bpdspell]

What I haven't truly done, however, I suspect, is get over her.  

This is your truth.

You've done physical steps to keep yourself busy but you haven't made it a personal goal to emotionally detach from your ex. I was in your shoes doing all the things I thought would help alleviate my emptiness and feelings of missing my ex but I wasn't detaching. Burying our heads in work and keeping ourselves busy isn't detaching. It's distracting. And when our distractions come up short our feelings of longing and desire are pretty much still entangled in our hearts.

So what does detaching mean? It short it means acceptance. It means accepting that your ex is mentally ill. That in spite of her physical beauty she'll never have the keys to your happiness. It also means holding up your own mirror and healing the part of you that is attracted to a person who treated you poorly. This takes tremendous courage but our life demands that we do this if we truly want out of emotional peril and captivity.

My ex was one of the most physically attractive men I've been with in my entire life.  After the breakup the thought of him being with someone else made me physically ill. I tortured myself with obsessive thoughts and not wanting to let go in fear of facing my own inner pain. This was me a year ago. But at some point you get sick and tired of holding on to broken memories, what ifs, and living in the past. But this is like running on a treadmill with no power.

Whether they're on TV, Facebook, or walking down the street does not matter. What matters is loving ourselves back to wholeness and ending the narrative of them being the best that we can do. Our ex's are not the best that we can do. Life does not begin and end with them. Are you in Therapy? It will help you tremendously in peeling back the layers of your emotional onion.

Explore detaching and learn how to unhinged from a person who is sick in the head and heart.

Spell

[NiceGuy83]

Thank you all for your comments; these are incredibly helpful.

I know that the logical answer, in many ways, is to not watch.  But I also know I'll torture myself afterwards if I don't.  It's a lose-lose situation, knowing she'll be on.  I wish I'd never found out.  But, like I say, I'm trying to be realistic... .it would be easy for me to say, 'I won't watch', but then do it anyway.  I come here to be honest about my own failings, not just moan about hers.  And I know I'll watch. 

Perhaps it won't be that bad.  Perhaps I'll not trigger, or not trigger as badly as I fear.  Perhaps it will be bad.  But either way, I'll know rather than wondering about it... .and the wondering drives me up the wall, I can promise you.

I'm not in therapy.  I've wondered about this, but I live in the UK.  Therapy is not easily available (waiting lists are many, many months usually), and there is a huge stigma attached.  If I had to take time off work, which is likely, that could well affect my career.  In addition, I do legitimately question whether therapy would even be the right choice for me.  For the first month or two post-breakup, I talked about little else than my ex and the break-up.  That has decreased massively, and I'm not sure that 'peeling the onion' wouldn't simply cause me to fixate on that past, rather than moving forwards.

I'm not blind to the fact that I have issues of my own, but I'm capable of recognising them, I believe, on my own.  For example:

1) Undoubtedly, I am a rescuer.  It's not that I'm not attracted to strong, independent women; I am.  It's just that vulnerability triggers my rescuing impulses, and this leaves me open to women with deep psychological issues.  I am much more likely now to walk away from such women than I was before.

2) I don't like being single.  I know to a large extent that simply having a girlfriend is a form of self-validation for me.  This is undoubtedly a hang-over from my school-days when I felt shunned by girls.  It also probably explains why I want them to be beautiful, and why I tend to show them off.  But I can equally manage on my own, and am quite independent.  The last 6 months have been lonely, as the longest I've been without a girlfriend for 12 years, but they've also been manageable. 

3) I tend to bury my head in the sand, rather than face my problems head on.  I probably have a gaming addiction (just computers, thankfully, no gambling).  Certainly, my ex thought so.  Sometimes I think she was right.  But I have difficulty letting go of the gaming, as the one thing that allows me to escape the stress of work.  This is something I really think about a fair bit at the moment, but I'm not sure it's in any way connected to my relationships (other than girlfriends get fed up that I spend so much time gaming). 

There may also be an underlying element of depression.  It's not critical, in that there are no thoughts of suicide or self-harm.  But it is, perhaps, best described as a black cloud that is always there... .telling me I'm too fat, but encouraging me to comfort eat... .telling me I need to clear some work, but i'd be happier forgetting it for one more evening... .telling me I'm lonely, but also telling me that I'm too busy and cash-strapped to do anything about it right now.

I recently came close to taking time off work due to stress.  Very close, but not quite.  I suspect that may be causing an increase in depression/anxiety/ruminations about the ex.  Does that sound plausible?

[Clearmind]

NiceGuy, NC is good to a point until times like this when we are re-faced with possible reactions.

Can you see her on TV, let the emotions come and go? Its really helpful to take note of our reactions and how they impact us - it does provide a guide as to what work we still need to do.

NC is fine when emotions are heightened - not so good when we need to process contact - accidental or not.

Sit with the emotions that come up and develop some good coping skills for managing your triggers.