Funeral overseas

[yoganut1967]

Hello, I haven't been on this board for a while, probably due in part to NC with uBPD alcoholic mother and narcissistic brother, but now I have a dilemma...

Some background, briefly... I went NC with my mother and brother in 2001. I moved from England to the USA ( I had moved several times before... but I'm trying to keep this brief). My brother briefly tried to find me in 2005 and invited me to his wedding, I didn't reply (rightly or wrongly, but it seemed the right thing to do at the time)... now my mother has passed away... she passed on May 6. I found out with a FB private message from an acquaintance who saw the obit in the paper.

I was shocked but numb yesterday... today I talked to a psyche on the phone and cried. I told my boss and everyone has been nice, I live here in the US and if I went to the funeral next Wed it would cost $4000 that I don't readily have and aside from that, my brother and his wife would most likely give me grief. My brother would most likely be cold but civil, at least in front of people, but his wife has already contacted my in-laws on FB and aired my dirty laundry and falling out with my mom and brother with  them. I know this because my sister in law here in the US told me  this information. So ... to go or not go to the funeral? People that know my situation, including the psyche this morning tell me if I don't go I may regret it in the long run, but when I tell people all the nasty things she used to say to me, even when she was sober and she was worse when she drank, they then agree that 'she was messed up'.

I feel incredibly guilty... she was ok personality wise til I was about 9, and when I was young she was a great mother, but from 9 onwards she acted like she hated both me and my brother...

very confused... . :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi yoganut1967,

I would like to offer you my condolences. She treated you badly but was still your mother so I understand how difficult and confusing this must be for you. How are you feeling today now that you've had some more time to think about what you want to do? The people saying that you may regret not going might be right but you alone can make this decision. You had good reasons for going NC and dealing with a narcissistic brother and wife while you are already feeling vulnerable isn't something to look forward to. It's a whole lot of money but if you were to decide to go, could you arrange that some family member or friend could be there with you at the funeral for support? Maybe someone still living in England who you still have contact with. I don't have any other real advice just that you gotta do what you think is best for you.

[yoganut1967]

Thank you Kwamina, for your kind words.

After much deliberation, I decided not to go to the funeral in England. I decided that the con's of going outweighed the pros.

More than the estimated $4000 cost (I could take out a loan), I feel that the possibility of an all-out hit-below-the-belt argument with my brother, but particularly his wife, would be more detrimental. I feel I can't help my mother now, she is gone, and putting myself in a most likely contentious situation would be much more damaging to my psyche.

I am feeling sadness, but it is  mixed in with guilt. If only I had been a better daughter ie... able to put up with the abuse, dish it right back to her, like my brother did, when she was nasty to him, but I didn't, I chose to run away and cease contact. I may add it was not a deliberate act... I didn't wake up one morning and think 'I don't want to talk to either my mother or my brother anymore'. It was much more organic... I just felt better when I didn't, no nasty comments, no guilt trips... .

Now, there is guilt galore ... I'm starting up counseling on Tuesday. I have done a lot of thinking and realized that, and I never noticed it before, I have some of my mothers tendencies... for example, when someone, a friend, someone I'm dating, or whomever slights me, I have a tendency to 'blacken them'... delete their phone number from my phone and other stupid things like that in the heat of anger or hurt... I HAVE to stop this. I'm terrified I'll turn into my mother.

In a way this has been a wake up call. I'm a bit of a loner by nature, and I find it difficult to drop my guard around people and let them into my life... . If I keep this up... I'll be just as alone as she was.