Wait, I did what?

[ApChagi1]

So my dBPDw recently re-connected with a male friend of hers who lives across the country, mainly because they both share a love for playoff baseball.  I am and have always been supportive of her relationship with him.  They have been friends for a long time, off and on.  Yesterday I asked her if she heard from him at all during the day, and she FREAKED THE HELL out and accused me of accusing her of cheating and that I have to control every call she makes and text she sends.  She then proceeded to ask why I didn't ask about another one of her friends who, and I was not aware of this, left her two voicemail messages in the last week.  Needless to say, the entire evening last night was ruined and she stayed up late angry at me. 

I'm at the throw up my hands stage I think at this point.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Everything I say or do somehow becomes an argument and God-forbid I try to enjoy my own hobbies for hell hath no fury . . .

I am so getting nothing out of this relationship.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FullMetal]

wow

Been there. I've been curious if these situations aren't a bit of projection.  She might not be having an affair, but she might be afraid you think she is, and so since she's afraid that you think she's cheating on you with this guy, it becomes fact.  and when you bring him up you're therefore accusing her of cheating outright.  which she takes great offense to and has an extinction burst. 

of course it could be she's mad at the other guy for whatever reason, and took it out on you. 

you have to take time for yourself.  I learned that a few years ago, it's hard for the first while, but once it becomes a routine, it becomes a routine.  I've found that a consistant routine is the best thing to keep things going smoothly, its when things shift from the ordinary that things start to trigger. 

It's almost a bit like OCD. 

[ApChagi1]

I still have a really tough time making time for myself because it just leads to endless arguments about how "selfish" I am for putting my interests before her.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi ApChagi1, I've seen from your posts that you've had a hard time with this relationship for a long time. You seem very kind, trying to please your wife and taking good care of her. And with her having both BPD and being Bipolar, it's rough on you.

How are you doing with detaching a bit from her feelings? Letting her own her stuff and you being a bit lighter just taking care of your stuff? It's not easy, I struggled with this, and still do sometimes. But I think it's vital for us to not be too enmeshed.

I still have a really tough time making time for myself because it just leads to endless arguments about how "selfish" I am for putting my interests before her.

So it's clear you know that your not really selfish. It's however how she feels, so therefore she states it as a fact. You don't have to try to change her opinion on this. Just continue to try to make time for you and try to detach from her feelings about it. You deserve some time for you, it's normal and healthy. If she doesn't like it, it's for her to deal with. Better not to argue about it, if you can help it. I'm sure it's not easy on you dealing with the backlash of it. We have members here who've struggled with this and come out the other end with more focus on themselves and their partners coming to accept it.

[waverider]

I still have a really tough time making time for myself because it just leads to endless arguments about how "selfish" I am for putting my interests before her.

By arguments do you mean she makes an irrational statement/accusation and you try to justify yourself with reason and logic, and it never works?

But you continue with this and it becomes endless?

Ultimately pointless?

If so, don't do it

[AliveButBeatup]

I still have a really tough time making time for myself because it just leads to endless arguments about how "selfish" I am for putting my interests before her.

Yep, been there. It is amazing how innocent activities that have brought you joy in the past get avoided because you are scared/stressed about the response from your SO.  I am separated now and feel my stress level drop with each passing day. I don't have to hide my phone for fear of an incoming call triggering a fighting session. I can drink an occasional beer. I am getting back the things that made me, me.

ABB