The Injustice of It All

[fiddlestix]

One of the hardest parts of breaking up with, and healing from, my dBPDwife is the sense of injustice. For 25 years I played by the rules.  I vowed to be faithful, and I was.  I was kind, gentle, nurturing, never lost my sexual attraction to her (even when she ballooned to 240 lbs), did not insult her, served her... .  I am probably a codependent "people-pleaser."  But I truly enjoyed being good to her; it made me happy.  I was good to her, and she tossed me to the dogs.  It feels so unfair, unjust.  It feels so unfinished.  Now she is with another guy... .again.  I wish I could accept it.  Struggling.

Fiddlestix

[Learning_curve74]

It sucks! It IS unfair! ugghhhh    :'(

What can you do? 

[Ironmanrises]

Fiddle,

The injustice of it all... .

That truly does hurt.

I am so sorry your exwife did that to you.

Even accepting the fact she is disordered... .

Doesn't take away the hurt of it.

The hurt is still there... .

I know.

Hang in there.

You are not alone.

[Hazelrah]

Fiddlestix,

I am really right there with you.  I can't imagine losing someone after 25 years, so I feel for you.  Conversely, the frustration I feel for someone giving up on a marriage less than two years in provides its own set of challenges. I know I treated my W wonderfully, and did the best I could to love and take care of her... .and I was promptly repaid by being treated like a bag of refuse dropped off and forgotten at the dump.  Haven't seen her for three months and barely even communicate anymore.  It feels surreal at best, and hits me at the core at the worst of times.  I have never treated anyone in my life with such disregard, so I too feel it is incredibly unjust.  I've come to the point where I can accept it most of the time, but I'm still at a crossroad where I get pulled backward emotionally ever now and again... .I'm currently moving a bit backwards at the moment.  However, if we continue to treat ourselves with kindness and work at the things we need to address, at some point we'll find that we've evolved much more than they have when everything is said and done.

[Jbt857]

It's hugely unfair. After nearly 10 years, I'm in the same boat as you, cast aside for a newer model, once he had squeezed everything out of me, our marriage and our finances.

Not a lot else I can say, but know that you're not alone!

[houseofswans]

God, I HATE all these sad and tear-jerking posts from people just like me - and all we ever did was to try and love our partners with all our heart... .

[Jbt857]

God, I HATE all these sad and tear-jerking posts from people just like me - and all we ever did was to try and love our partners with all our heart... .

I don't know - I take comfort in the obvious proof that despite what my recent experience shows me, the world isn't completely full of assh*les after all... .There are good guys (and gals) out there!

[fiddlestix]

Thanks, gang!  I know there is no "magic pill" for getting through this. But knowing that there is a vast cyber community of people who have been hurt in the way I have been is a great comfort (not a comfort that you have been hurt, but that you understand).  Most of my friends have never even heard of "borderline personality disorder" (nor did I about a year ago). They just knew that my wife was "messed up"  and had been kicking my butt for years LOL.  Conversely, my ex wife is a trained therapist and knows all about BPD... .and she admits she is a "bipolar with borderline traits."  Yet, despite knowing the clinical details of BPD she continues to act out in destructive, insensitive and very unjust ways.

Alas, the irony... .

Fiddlestix 

[SeekerofTruth]

Conversely, my ex wife is a trained therapist and knows all about BPD... .and she admits she is a "bipolar with borderline traits."  Yet, despite knowing the clinical details of BPD she continues to act out in destructive, insensitive and very unjust ways.

Alas, the irony... .

Yup, that's the kicker.  Mine's in the healthcare industry.  A few months after we separated, i no longer had the drive to provide executive coaching in her career progression.  She actually did go to a professional coach inbetween jobs before hiring on with a new firm.  I used to do much of her writing and editing.  But noticed some awkward sounding sentences in her latest linked in promo... .about "compassion".  Oh God, that one just amazes me.  Just like her breaking our agreement to go thru mediation, but instead she seeks out , once again, an adversarial attorney she previously sought out before proceedings got dismissed earlier this year, whose promo in the divorce section in the yellow pages reads "Aggressive & Compassionate"  huh?

[SeekerofTruth]

Yup, the injustive, hypocrisy, and double-standards of it all.  The lack of empathy and vindictive malice and then their yearning for you... .it's like being a yo-yo bouncing against a brick wall.  Well, hopefully the less other focused we become, and more self-care and personal growth focused we become, the richer our recovery.

[redbaron5]

It's very unfair, no justice at all.  I was completely selfless and mine set me back a few years at a critical time in my life. But I have learned alot and we will all be stronger people eventually because of this, our ex-partners will keep repeating the same garbage pattern with the next person.  The thing that helps me the most is reminding myself I got caught up with a mentally Ill person, and that one day, I will find a partner in life that respects me, and more importantly, I can count on when I need her the most. 

[eeyore]

Yes I totally agree with you all.  It feels unfair.  It was ingrained in me if you work hard at something you will succeed. However, a relationship with a broken person who isn't capable of obtaining the necessary help is the exception to if you work hard you will succeed.  It takes both people to be in the relationship.  There is nothing more I am capable of doing to have stayed.  It's also unfair that we are the ones left dealing with the emotional garbage and responsibility while they flitter around seemingly having fun and living for the day.