Should I go to her counseling appt?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Been moved out for 6 weeks for BPDW. Kids D16 S14.Told her wanted a divorce (second time) mid July. I have been able to hold off all of her attempts to reconnect through all forms of manipulation.  I do have empathy for the situation. i don't necessarily want a divorce, I would like to see my children more than this split allows. But I don't want to walk on eggshells either, I don't want to have be on guard for ... .well anything.

She wants me to attend a therapy session with her. Do I bring up her BPD in therapy? I am willing to bet it has not been brought up, probably conveniently forgotten . I see frequently bringing up BPD usually does not go well. Hand a note to the therapist? It is like the elephant in the room that doesn't get talked about. Does it ever get freely talked about?

[unortel]

Been moved out for 6 weeks for BPDW. Kids D16 S14.Told her wanted a divorce (second time) mid July. I have been able to hold off all of her attempts to reconnect through all forms of manipulation.  I do have empathy for the situation. i don't necessarily want a divorce, I would like to see my children more than this split allows. But I don't want to walk on eggshells either, I don't want to have be on guard for ... .well anything.

She wants me to attend a therapy session with her. Do I bring up her BPD in therapy? I am willing to bet it has not been brought up, probably conveniently forgotten . I see frequently bringing up BPD usually does not go well. Hand a note to the therapist? It is like the elephant in the room that doesn't get talked about. Does it ever get freely talked about?

[Vindi]

THATs great that she wants you to go to therapy, and maybe the therapist can be the one also to pick up on her BPD... .you could always use the SET words and just honestly tell her how you feel. I would think the therapist would have a clue that something is just not right with her. And yes, maybe hand note to therapist b4 you all sit down... .being with a professional (therapist) maybe you're wife would be more willing to listen that there is something wrong, and having BPD can be treated, if she chooses to or at least have her BPD issues dealt with.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I would go with her if I where you, with an open mind. It might be that she honestly want to work on things together, or she might just want the therapist to validate all the things that are wrong with you (which won't happen, but that might be what she envisions).

I wouldn't bring up BPD, but you can talk about one or two specific behaviours that are difficult for you to live with. I agree with Vindi that a good therapist should pick up on the fact that your wife has reactions and behaviours that are a bit off.

[Grey Kitty]

It is much more productive to speak of behaviors than a diagnosis or a label.

Especially because the behaviors are what you don't want to live with!

I'd let the T bring up BPD or not based on the T's choice.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi unortel, how are things? Have the therapy session happened?

[unortel]

So went to the therapy session and it well for all intents. I did bring up the BPD diagnosis and DBT therapy. Whoa! she denied the diagnosis. Therapist kept her calm stating DBT  is also for anxiety and... ?

I reaffirmed my commitment to continue the leaving process (divorce).  The therapist did pull a solid in my favor. She shifted my wBPD to that we are obviously not compatible. That suggestion went over really well. For the time being anyway.

Divorce mediation in 8 days.

[Grey Kitty]

It sounds like you are unwilling to go back to things with her "as they were". I don't think you should either.

It also sounds like you don't really want divorce either, you just can't see any better options. Have you considered therapeutic separation? I don't know if she has the right therapist to do this or not, or how motivated she is.

Read more about it here:

Therapeutic Separation

[unortel]

Grey Kitty you would be right in your assumption about not wanting a divorce. That is in part why I stayed for so long.  But at this point I am TOTALLY unwilling to go back and this is the best option.

She just sent me a diagnosis about me that I am a narcissist ("not to be mean, just food for thought" what the heck. She is so off base in her perceptions about the children, me and life , the answer is out for me.

She has been looking to paint me black and discount her mental health issues because she is a victim and not responsible for herself or actions.