Pregnant, BPD, depressed and suicidal

[TheBrokenReplay]

My fiancee is 32 weeks pregnant and sleeping at her friends house tonight. This is a very good thing since at least I know she is safe for now and not killing herself, cutting or just driving into the night. She has pretty much been pregnant for almost a whole year now since we lost a six week old baby only a month before this baby. Loosing the first baby was horrible since she did it natural at first but it didn't all come out so they gave her a pill to contract more a couple days later only to find out it was still not done and she had to do the D&C anyways in the end. Then she had 24/7 morning sickness the first trimester and actually lost 10 pounds. She also had severe bouts of depression and ended up cutting again, so the doc put her back on lexapro and she was laid off from work since she was missing to many days (was lucky she wasn't fired). She has had migraines her whole life and they have continued through out this pregnancy of course. Second trimester gave us a few moments to relax here and there. But now into the third trimester she has symphysis pubis dysfunction so she is in pain most of the time and is unable to do much. With at times 4 kids running around our house things get pretty crazy and she can't keep up due to pain. On top of this all we have a very large amount of external stressors right now such as money issues, court battles, nasty exes, ect. This in turn is fueling her depression since she feels like a useless piece of hit. But today's string of events all started when she attacked me for not doing more around the house a couple of weeks ago. I felt completely unappreciated so I have been standing my ground on this. Any time I stand my ground and tell her I'm doing what I can she takes that as not caring about her. No, she wants the house perfectly clean on a daily basis. Baseboards cleaned, under microwave, ect... .I work a full time job that I hate, cook, grocery shop, take care of the kids, clean ect. On top of it all I have my own depression and a resurfacing gender dysphoria issues. She told me I should see a therapist about it so I did, but I guess she doesn't like the one I selected and is very antagonistic about it. As a result I didn't tell her I had an appointment today since I didn't want to face another fight about the whole thing. In the end that turned out to be a very bad thing because I decided to tell her about it after the fact and the appointment was at the same time as her OB appointment today. I haven't been coming to the OB appointments so I could stay at work and not miss time. But since I forgot that this appointment was at the same time and I would have faced a cancellation fee I just went anyways during my lunch hour. I'm sure there are things I could be doing better, but I'm tired. It's been a very long haul and I'm loosing steam.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Grey Kitty]

  TheBrokenReplay

You have found a wonderful supportive community here of people who are going through things very similar to yourself. And wow, you have plenty on your plate right now.

I'm really glad to hear that you are in therapy. That should help you deal with your situation--and give you strength to better deal with your fiancee as well.

I've got a few questions to help us better understand your situation and help you more:

Has she been diagnosed with BPD?

Are you read anything about BPD yourself? (We have  LOT of good material here, starting with "The Lessons" which are in the sidebar to the right ------>> > )

Is she getting any therapy for herself?

Do you expect her to be back home soon?

Take care of yourself, and hang in there!

 GK

[TheBrokenReplay]

She was diagnosed with BPD many years ago. She has been in therapy a lot over the years and has made great progress to the point that she at times does not meet the criteria anymore. This was all before I came into the picture 2.5 years ago. She gave me an out when she revealed it all to me, but she seemed to be doing so well that I couldn't let it stand between us. Things have been up and down since then, but we always come out of it stronger. The main thing I struggle with is lashing out at her when I feel attacked. It is a knee jerk reaction that is very hard to change. I want to instead tell her how I feel. Anyone have any tips for this?

Then the other main problem we are having right now is that when I do express my feelings she is taking it and everything I say with a very negative interpretation and twisting things around to the extent that I'm made to feel guilty for my feelings. This is where the BPD still shines in her I guess. She is a master at blame shifting lately because she is feeling so bad about herself I suspect.

I have read a few books about BPD as well as discussed it extensively with my fiancee.

She had a therapist that she loved and he retired. Since then she has gone back to an old therapist that she didn't like a whole lot, but we have instead started to use her as a couples therapist. In fact we have an appointment tomorrow thank god! Perfect timing! I think she should continue to see her therapist as her own and we occasionally augment with couples therapy IMO. Not sure if that can work though.

I think she is going to hold off on coming back home for some time now. She wants to give me space to work through my issues. This just feels like more blame shifting to me though.

Thank you for the reply!

[Grey Kitty]

I hope things go well in your T session with her tomorrow. I'm also thinking about her circumstances. I've never been pregnant (I'm male!) so I've got no idea what it is like, but I'm guessing that her emotions are being thrown around quite a bit by her hormones for the last year, and won't stop for another few months. I don't think it was a coincidence that my wife's BPD symptoms hit their most severe as she was Peri-menopausal and going on an involuntary emotional/hormonal roller coaster ride. Perhaps this will improve considerably later.

But that doesn't help you cope with today's situation any. Let me try to offer you some help on your current issues.

The main thing I struggle with is lashing out at her when I feel attacked. It is a knee jerk reaction that is very hard to change. I want to instead tell her how I feel. Anyone have any tips for this?

When a pwBPD gets dysregulated, nothing good is going to come out of their mouth. Your best bet is to get away and not engage, until that mood passes.

You've also noticed that you tend to lash out yourself at those times. When you are calm later, you know that you were not improving things. So when you disengage, you are protecting yourself from her and her from yourself.

This workshop has some specific tips on how to get away at times like this:

How to take a time out

Then the other main problem we are having right now is that when I do express my feelings she is taking it and everything I say with a very negative interpretation and twisting things around to the extent that I'm made to feel guilty for my feelings.

My suggestion is for you to accept that she doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with your feelings. If something is bugging you and you need a sympathetic ear, don't ask her to do more than she is capable of. Do you have other friends you can talk to, or family members who support you?

I think she is going to hold off on coming back home for some time now. She wants to give me space to work through my issues. This just feels like more blame shifting to me though.

You may well be right on the blame shifting, but I recommend you let that one slide (at least for now)

First, there will be times where you DO need space, and if she respects that and gives it to you, that is very helpful.

Second, it sounds like she is needing space and projecting it onto you. The important part is that she needs space. Let her have it. If you crowd her or chase her when she needs space, it will just make things worse.