Need advice on responding to my BPD's message

[turtles]

My BPD husband decided to leave our family for a while (after admitting to several affairs) and left the country several months ago. I haven't spoken to him much over the last month, but today is my birthday so he called me, said he loved and missed me. After our call I sent this message to him in an effort to draw some boundries. I think we need to stay separated. I can't deal with his drama anymore and I need to protect the kids from it too.

This is my message to him:

Delaing with work and our separation has taken a toll but it's also opened my eyes and I have a lot of things I need to deal with. I'm good at avoiding things. I have a lot of things I need to work out on my own. Things about me that I need to deal with and come to terms with. Things that have always followed me and continue to mess me up. I'm not trying to avoid you. It's about me. I need to work things out.

Last thing I want is to hold you up from living your life. I'm happy for you - that you found something you love to do where you want to be. I hope to do the same someday. The kids are adapting and I think it's healthier for them to see their parents happy. I'm sure you think so too.

This is his response:

I can only assume that you may have found someone else. I dont blame you. I wont bother anymore. Sorry. All the best.

I don't know how to respond. I don't know if I should.  I have not found someone else.

I'm just trying to put my life back together and make a stable home for my kids. In a way I think I should not respond and just let him go but I know he'll be cold and angry with me and I hate that. Should I reassure him that I'll always be here for him? I don't want him out of our lives, but I just can't live with him anymore.

I think a normal person would have reassured the person that they loved is going to be ok and that they would work things out. I never get an reasurance from him, just blame and guilt.

what should I do?

Help

[strikeforce]

My ex would text me things like that knowing full well I hadn't met anyone.

She used it to bait me into replying and texting more.

IMO it seems like a bait, I may be wrong.

[fromheeltoheal]

I think a normal person would have reassured the person that they loved is going to be ok and that they would work things out. I never get an reassurance from him, just blame and guilt.

You sound solid in your decision to not want to live with him anymore, although you are still emotionally connected.  With kids you share he will probably never be all the way out of your lives, but if you are determined to end your marriage and relationship with him, it is important to have as minimal contact as you can muster.  You probably already know you can't have rational conversations with a borderline when they are triggered, and as you say, you never get an reassurance from him, just blame and guilt.

Notice he doesn't ask any questions in his message, so I wouldn't respond.  Making a stable home for your kids is a good thing, and it's important to get as much support as you can right now, including this site, so you have rational people to talk to.  His contact attempts will probably increase, the push/pull nature of the disorder, and you'll have to deal with them one at a time as they come, responding with minimal information, only concerning logistics, nothing emotional.

[Lady31]

First off - he is assuming you have found someone else because of HIS track record.  

Second - it is his worry/fear from your response.  He is wanting you to reassure him you haven't so he can soothe himself.  I personally would NOT give him that satisfaction.  

Last - I wouldn't respond.  Or if you do respond, do not even address this comment.  Nor would I soothe the man that everything is going to be ok.  Not your job, you are no longer responsible for "holding it all together"/"balancing him"/being the glue giving him the comfort while you receive none.  If there is any response I would keep it strictly to your expectations regarding how to handle the kids, that's it.  Any time there is any comment outside of what concerns them and how the relationships will work with communication, visits, etc. - it should be completely ignored and not even addressed.  There will be many from trying to see if you are still around in some way in order to boost his ego and ease his fears - to blaming you to bait you into defending yourself to soothe him of his guilt and shame.  Some of the accusations will be such ridiculous lies that you will be tempted to respond.  :)on't be fooled, he will know the outlandish things are just that, but will be escalating to try to get a response from you when he can't get it any other way and previous attempts don't work.

Best of luck moving on!

[Bit Lost]

I think this is a general thing they all say isn't it? "Have you met someone else"?... .I've had it for weeks getting that from him constantly. I had it this morning on Facebook... ."who's your new partner" and then deactivated his account! Like I want another relationship right now, that is the last thing I will ever need is to use someone on the rebound because that's exactly what it will be and I am not that kind of a person! Why do they say that?

[fakename]

i dont know your full situation so i cant say how or what you should respond... .i guess its just most important to think about whats best for you and your sanity. stop thinking about him for once and think about yourself... .

i like to play chess... .it requires great memory, foresight and strategy... .but i also like to play chess cause there are times when i can win and i do have some control over the outcome... .

having even a conversation with my ex was like chess but without any chance of winning and having no real effect towards the outcome...

thats just how i feel. i wouldnt want to get all whirled up into a conversation that requires no rational or logical thought but just manipulations and BS... .

but your situation is different than mine so i dont know if anything i said would apply to you... .

[Juno]

This one hits very close to home. My story is very complicated and involved betrayal and lies on so many levels. It is sickening to think of the level and desperation that the woman I was involved with would stoop to get me back into her life. I was constantly put into your situation with a "good cop" and "bad cop" msg's from my BPD partner. What you received was the "good cop" msg. It's purpose is to make you reflect and feel guilty. I don't know your husband, but I do recognize the pattern from my BPD partner. Your husband is playing for your sympathy because you are a good person. He's throwing this vague msg out there to see where it goes. He wants a response because that allows communication to take place. When communication takes place he gets something from it. The goal is to get back into your life. He can't get back into your life unless there is some type of communication. I guarantee you if you do not respond he will follow up with a nasty msg to see if that gets a response.

Believe me I have fought this battle so many times and tried to be a good person. All I did was to allow a woman back into my life that had no business being there. What I have learned is they don't have a conscious about your true feelings and don't have any respect for your feelings. It's all about battling abandonment and that scares them more than anything. In my opinion a person with BPD does not just cure themselves in a matter of a few quick months. I wish you the best and I don't envy your predicament. I've been there and done that and its a no win situation.

[GreenMango]

Turtles its really difficult to be no contact when you have kids.

If you are ready to move on and make a mire stable for life for you and the kids have you thought about divorce?  What about the custody issues with the kids and how to go or not go about communication regarding them?

It sounds like he has abandoned his family.  I wouldn't pick up the ball on his emotional email if you to want end this.  It's better to keep it business like.

If you arent quite sure that's okay too.  And looking at the undecided board lesson on Choosing a Path could help.

Have you posted on the family law and parenting board - they could be helpful on tips for communicating.

[turtles]

Wow, you guys are great. Thank you.

I feel so guilty and want so desperately to let him know that I'm still here for him but in the end it will be me who gets hurt again and he'll throw us all into another tizzy.

My life with him has been a roller coaster for over 20 years and I'm tired. I can't take it anymore. His insults, compliments, cheating, drugs, charisma and claims of devotion were confusing and strung me along for so many years. I was so caught up in what he said and didn't pay enough attention to what he did. It was always about him anyway.

Funny that his fear is abandoment when the reality is that he abandoned me and the children. He took off on a days notice. Who does that? Didn't ask me once in all these months if we were ok. We're living off my income and he is using his retirement money that I put away for him. I can't believe I am worried about hurting his feelings.

My teenage daughter said to me yesterday - aren't you calmer without him around, I am.

I should listen to her instead of him.

I won't answer his message, but I know he'll rage and treat me like crap to get a reaction out of me. Luckily he's very far away.

[GreenMango]

That would tire out anybody.  People arent machines.

You may want to check out how his abandoning the family for a foreign country affects custody.  It may work in your kids favor if they need the stability that you try for custody while he's away - he's chosen a path that has real consequences and he's not likely to be happy about it.

Healthy parents and partners don't do the things he's done.  These weren't your choices and they aren't your fault.

[fakename]

turtles, i think its a proud moment when you can say you cant take his insults, compliments, cheating drugs, etc anymore... .

it took me a very long time to come to that stance. you should take a moment to be proud of yourself from time to time when you make forward steps.

i'm sure you feel guilty, but i think there are dangers when you are too good of a person or willing to sacrifice your own mental health to help someone else... .

i'm sure you've already thought about it, but just remember how his unpredictability affects your kids... .it would be a shame if they ended up hurt to the point where they begin forming dysfunctional relationships... .

even for myself, i want to tell me ex that i'll still be there for her. and i really feel that ways sometimes. but i know it will just bring about my destruction and my inability to find peace of mind and be able to enjoy the life i can have (not to mention i dont know how short of long it will be - in both cases i would want more peace of mind over chaos)

i think with a clear mind you know what you should do, we've all gone through enough of the same thing to know what the outcome will be and its just a matter of gathering the strength to take forward steps and let go of negativity... .

i'm sure for many years you've focused on him and trying to appease to him. i hope you do the same for yourself from now on.  i believe my happiness and peace of mind will come from no one else but myself. i'm in charge of that and i'm in charge of how i treat myself... .

lastly, i'm really happy to hear your daughter is mature enough to even look out for you and recognize ' aren't you calmer without him around'... .that's really great... .

you have my best wishes