Undiagnosed BPD sister/mom and twin have major depression

[Sunny86]

I can't believe I found this site - I've been stuck in the middle of chaos for my entire life, have read BPD books about  my older sister's traits... .and see her in all these posts! My parents divorced 30 years ago, but tried to get my sister help back then. My mom has major depression and has tried to take her life twice. My twin is also has depression (undiagnosed).  For years I've been the only one who talks to each family member. BPD sister is always hating everyone. Twin isn't talking to either parent or sister either. Mom blames herself for all of this.

The pattern has been the same for years - I'm the diplomat, but my sisters hate me because I don't "get" that parents are problem, even I'm the problem - that it's our parents who made us this way.  It' my BPD sister who is constantly texting/calling me hateful things for caring for my mom or talking to dad.  Mom used to live 10 minutes from both sisters. They were fed up with her depression and stopped talking to her (except BPD raging calls and texts). Then mom tried to take her life and got breast cancer - so I moved her near me and my family 5 hrs north so I could care for her. BPD sister and depressed twin are both single - it was TOO much for them. Now both don't talk to me.  I miss them but every time I connect my BPD sister freaks out for a week with the usual 20 hateful texts about me, mom, our childhood. These texts could have been her voicemails 20 yrs ago. Nothing changes and I'm not handling things right because it's the same thing over and over. Her words are soo harsh, but then she doesn't even remember what she has said! I tell her I refuse to talk to her until she can stop the raging or get help with her anger towards our parents.  We did have some good memories as young children. It seems so unnatural to cut her (and other depressed and highly critical twin) off - but the rage and anger is exhausting. It robs me of happiness with my wonderful husband and 3 children. I've been enabling her for years.  Until two years ago I was her only family support. She always says she's fine (in an angry way)- it's mom whose crazy.  But what will happen to her if I cut her off?  How will she ever get help?  She does have two sons who are out of college now... .

[Reg]

Hi Sunny86,

That is quite an emotional rollercoaster ride you have been on, so sorry to hear about this !

However you came to the right place for knowledge and support, so may I give you a warm welcome to BPD Family ?   

If I read it correct, you're the caretaker of the family, trying to keep the family together.  I understand this must be a really hard situation, and one must not forget to take care of one's self as well.

So instead of looking first to the rest of your family, I would like to ask you what support you have in this situation ?  Do you have a family, friends in supportive ways to deal with all of this ?

I already see one positive thing in what you write, that is that are making boundaries on what you accept on the behavior of the loved ones who may have borderline, and that is a good thing.  Borderline or not, they have to know that there are lines that can not be crossed.  It is hard for them to understand this sometimes, but you have every right to do so.

This may be an interesting thing to read on the matter and how to make things a bit better : Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

I saw you mentioned a number of books you've been reading on BPD, may I ask you which ones ?  Did any of these include advice on how to deal with the behavior of someone with borderline ?

Hang in there, we are here to help !

Reg

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Sunny86,

Welcome!   We're glad that you found us! It sounds like you've been through a lot with your mother and sister, and I can see why you might be frustrated. Being the diplomat can be exhausting.

Reg has asked some great questions, and I'm curious to know the answers too.

There are some good tools here that can compliment the reading you're doing. You'll also find a support system here--a group that really understands what you're going through.

Since it seems like you're caught in the middle of some family conflict, this might be of interest to you: Conflict dynamics/Karpman Triangle.

You've found the right place for support. Let us know how we can best help you.

-GG