Tomorrow it comes to an end

[Mase11]

I'm looking for some advice on this breakup. I'm not sure I've handled things well at all and feel guilty for dragging her through this (I know)

I left 5 weeks ago when I found out about her affair which she tried to commit suicide after (8th time, first with me). I spent every weekend with her up until a few weeks ago.  I caught her still in contact with this guy that weekend and haven't stayed with her since. Last weekend I went for a visit and she had a meltdown and now she's demanding answers about our future this weekend.

I'm 99% sure that it's over but I've been holding off because she is living in our house that's up for sale. Once the sale goes through we are splitting our accounts and starting over (not really). I have read this is a good exit strategy financially and my counselor seems to agree. She is also cooperating with showing the house. I've heard many great things about this counselor so I respect her opinion.

Is it wrong what I'm doing? or should I keep holding out? Some days I struggle emotionally and others I just want all this behind me. We've come up with a place for her to live once the house sells so I'm not dumping her onto the streets.

I appreciate your honest feedback. The people here have been great!

[GreenMango]

The suicide attempts and the affair - all of it is a hard spot to be in.

It sounds like you want to leave but are conflicted.  I would be this stuff ain't easy.  Maybe it would help to tell us all a little more of what you are doubting?

[Mase11]

I do want to leave, it's extremely difficult but I think it has to be done.

I'm living at my parents for now and telling her we will give it some time and then maybe we can work on things. I've told her that's a long shot.

However, I know it's done so is it right to lead her on to think there's a chance until the house sells and the bank accounts are separated? I feel like and a$$hole going about things this way but I've heard and read that a breakup could set her off and financially I may regret it. She may not cooperate with the sale as well as she is living there. Selfish I know.

[GreenMango]

It could set her off and push her over the edge too.

Even of you don't think there's a snowballs chance in hell you guys would come back together after this I don't think you are totally misleading her.  You are letting her show you how's she's going to handle the damage she's done.

Id leave that out there too while I was preparing my end.  I wouldn't instigate her by telling her there's almost no chance.   Fundamentally I don't think she has the traction to see her way to fixing anything without proper support from people who are trained in this.  It maybe she reaches out for it if you aren't there to cushion the fall and you supply a few words of encouragement.

But none of that changes the reality of life in the meantime.  Bills still get paid, houses sold, and time to get your feet underneath you.

What's up with her demand to know where the relationship is headed?  Are you worried you have to have a definitive answer for her?

[Mase11]

Thanks for the response.

I think for myself to move forward but I know I need to be patient.

I do respect her and she is getting help. She has done DBT (in the past) and is in group therapy. She is seeing someone every week so she has the support right now. However, she'll be living in our home alone with suicide and spending being major symptoms of hers.

Tomorrow she will be wanting to know if we can move forward or if it's coming to an end. I don't want to start pretending to repair things so I thought maybe ending it would be best. She also texts me saying that it's ok and she understands if it's over and that she'll be fine with that. We all know that with BPDs that it isn't that simple, something dramatic will happen.

It's amazing what they can do to our heads and our emotions.

[GreenMango]

It is amazing how turbulent emotions can get in these relationships.  Not really healthy.  Lots of stress and questioning oneself.

Having a good therapist helps.  Yours sounds like they have good advice.

How did the talk go?

[Mase11]

Well the talk went nothing like I expected.

I started out saying I wanted a bit longer to think things through. She kept pushing and finally said maybe it is best we go our own ways. I was shocked to hear her say this. We both agreed and were devastated and said some good things to each other. I was actually proud of her for making a difficult decision. It seemed like she had her head on straight and was thinking more clear than ever before. The help she's gotten weekly (sometimes 2-3 times/week) must be working and this made it all the more painful for myself. This is what I've been hoping for but it's obviously too late.

I left and told her I'd call her tonight. When I called her she was drunk, admitted to throwing up and was in extreme pain. It's probably normal for a pwBPD to react like this when times are tough but I thought to myself that it's definitely the right decision.

For myself, I knew it was over. I figured that once it was over that I'd have some struggles but nothing like the pain I've felt today. After reading others struggle with their breakups I'm kinda fearing the days to come. Hoping for the best.