Damn my mother

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

One gift I got out of my BPD experience was my anger, well, all of my emotions really.  I've always been one to discount my own emotions in favor of other's, figuring that somehow I would get having given.  Doesn't work most of the time, and I've had an idea it has family of origin origins, still working on that.  But the sht my BPD ex pulled was so completely over the top that I got PISSED.  Angrier than I've been maybe ever, and after her it's had a snowball effect: I spent quite a few months pissed off at things that happened a long time ago, surprised there was so much anger in there still, and settled on well, it's gotta get out if I'm going to find my bliss, so let fly.  And I also now have suddenly no tolerance for bullsht from people, and have had a hair trigger lately on telling people off who try and pull something.  Standing up for myself finally, basically, and it feels GREAT!

Anyway, my elderly mother got remarried after my father died a few years ago, and has moved 150 miles away.  My newfound sense of balance has allowed me to prioritize my life in an empowering way, and she's not high on the list; anything having to do with her is out of obligation not desire to spend time with her.  It is what it is.  So I told her as much today by phone, and got a follow-up email that says in part "So your aging mother is not anywhere in your list of priorities; oh well."  Documented guilt trip, and it ain't workin'.  But it does make me think about similarities between her and my BPD ex, and maybe I stuck around as long as I did because it felt familiar on some level?  Processing... .

Thoughts?

[fromheeltoheal]

One gift I got out of my BPD experience was my anger, well, all of my emotions really.  I've always been one to discount my own emotions in favor of other's, figuring that somehow I would get having given.  Doesn't work most of the time, and I've had an idea it has family of origin origins, still working on that.  But the sht my BPD ex pulled was so completely over the top that I got PISSED.  Angrier than I've been maybe ever, and after her it's had a snowball effect: I spent quite a few months pissed off at things that happened a long time ago, surprised there was so much anger in there still, and settled on well, it's gotta get out if I'm going to find my bliss, so let fly.  And I also now have suddenly no tolerance for bullsht from people, and have had a hair trigger lately on telling people off who try and pull something.  Standing up for myself finally, basically, and it feels GREAT!

Anyway, my elderly mother got remarried after my father died a few years ago, and has moved 150 miles away.  My newfound sense of balance has allowed me to prioritize my life in an empowering way, and she's not high on the list; anything having to do with her is out of obligation not desire to spend time with her.  It is what it is.  So I told her as much today by phone, and got a follow-up email that says in part "So your aging mother is not anywhere in your list of priorities; oh well."  Documented guilt trip, and it ain't workin'.  But it does make me think about similarities between her and my BPD ex, and maybe I stuck around as long as I did because it felt familiar on some level?  Processing... .

Thoughts?

[dharmagems]

fromheeltoheal,

I too grew up with a Narcissist mother who made brutal-guilting remarks constantly.  She was also a ragaholic and physically abused my siblings and I.  Today she doesnt hit, but still make the same remarks.  Though this marriage and breakup with my xBPDh, the childhood wounds came up by me having PTSD, where I would be physically shaking and couldn't talk to my mother for many months while my divorce and healing these 2 years.  I also was shaking because I am still living in the same childhood town I lived in when growing up and earn money from the business I have with still my parents.  So---I've learned to disengage with this woman, my mother, completey.  On the outside I am a normal seemingly person around her, I still need the income of this business, but inside I know I have to shield my healing process from her and actually my whole family.  It's none of their business.  I am working on my shame and guilt and unworthiness, and watching if my thoughts go there.  That is my current practice, until I could get more of a financial bearing to leave this system and area completely.  Luckily I have another residence 1 hour away, near a metropolitan city, where I could "have space" from this system.  I also see CoDa groups and "Narcissist groups" there.  They've been slightly helpful.  Yes----I know exactly where you're at---you're not alone.  Stay to yourself, and protect your inside from another manipulative and abusive person.  Treat yourself as your best friend right now, especially nowadays.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks dharmagems.  There's no way in hell I could work with my mother; kudos to you for making it work for now.

I heard somewhere that the folks we become closest to in life, our soul mates or BFF's or however you want to put it, are not the folks we're related to by blood.  Not true for everyone, maybe 1 in 10 families is functional and loving, but it's definitely true for me, and maybe you too? 

All of this has come to light since my time in BPD hell, where I finally got pushed too far, and have decided that my feelings and desires are coming first, and if I help folks it's because I want to, not out of obligation or trying to get by giving.  All my motivation around my mother comes out of obligation, we've never been remotely close, and I'm done with that type of behavior or relationship.

Take care of you.

[dharmagems]

All of this has come to light since my time in BPD hell, where I finally got pushed too far, and have decided that my feelings and desires are coming first, and if I help folks it's because I want to, not out of obligation or trying to get by giving.  All my motivation around my mother comes out of obligation, we've never been remotely close, and I'm done with that type of behavior or relationship.

Take care of you.

Thanks from heeltoheal.  You too.  I find the best care is to disengage from drama and it helps me on the inside.  It would help me in calming me.