Hurtful messages and some questions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She has been sending very hurtful messages in the past two days, stuff about not loving me and never wanting to see me again.

She has gone quiet over the last 12 or so hours and Im sitting thinking over the early part of our relationship. Its not hurting as much now but Im wondering on some points.

I was the first boyfriend she had took home to meet her family in years, the first decent guy she had had for years too. First guy in years to meet her son. All of this was confirmed.

I know its unanswerable really but what was special about me to her that she treated me so different?

[strikeforce]

She has been sending very hurtful messages in the past two days, stuff about not loving me and never wanting to see me again.

She has gone quiet over the last 12 or so hours and Im sitting thinking over the early part of our relationship. Its not hurting as much now but Im wondering on some points.

I was the first boyfriend she had took home to meet her family in years, the first decent guy she had had for years too. First guy in years to meet her son. All of this was confirmed.

I know its unanswerable really but what was special about me to her that she treated me so different?

[hopealways]

You cannot ask WHY when dealing with a BPD.  They do not act rationally so the why never makes sense.  Keep healing, look forward, take care of YOU, and try not to look back.

[strikeforce]

You cannot ask WHY when dealing with a BPD.  They do not act rationally so the why never makes sense.  Keep healing, look forward, take care of YOU, and try not to look back.

I know asking why is pointless but the questions were floating around 

[willbegood]

Being that we know we're never going to get answers to all the questions we make up in our head, I always like to make up my own answers.

In your case I'd say she liked you too much and she couldn't handle it. Being a decent guy she took to meet her family easily triggered her fears. That may be why she dates less than decent guys normally because they don't trigger her as easily.

Right or wrong that's the type of answers I made up in my head and it seemed to help.

[HarmKrakow]

Being that we know we're never going to get answers to all the questions we make up in our head, I always like to make up my own answers.

In your case I'd say she liked you too much and she couldn't handle it. Being a decent guy she took to meet her family easily triggered her fears. That may be why she dates less than decent guys normally because they don't trigger her as easily.

Right or wrong that's the type of answers I made up in my head and it seemed to help.

I second this My ex staid for 5 years with a construction worker who raped her, hit her, abused her, etc.

I staid with her for over 2 years and never laid a finger on her and didn't try anything else but to love her as much as i could.

[Clearmind]

Honestly strikeforce its anyones guess. Yes you are special however to a Borderline its about need - I am a strong independent person and financially secure - my ex certainly enjoyed that aspect of my personality because I had more resources and was resourceful enough to try and fix him.

Am I special? Yes

Was I special to him the way I wanted to be? No

[Ironmanrises]

Strike... .

Just to show you the contradiction... .

In what my exUBPDgf... .

Said to me... .

For her leaving... .

Me both times... .

Round 1... .Discard

Reason... .

"My feelings/love for you were an illusion... ."... .

Round 2... .Discard

Reason... .

"Your love for me was fake... ."... .

There is no why.

Clearly... .

There is something really f¥cking wrong here.

That is called BPD.

It was never you Strike.

She has a disorder.

You fell in love with someone with a horrible disorder... .

That destroys... .

Those to whom... .

Get closest to them.

Us.

Me.

You.

Hang in there buddy.

[strikeforce]

Yeah thanks everyone 

Im just seeing and questioning more now in hindsight

[Tricky]

It's not possible to judge a pwBPD by normal standards, Trying to rationalize their behavior and emotions is pointless since they have a mental illness, they don't rationalize, they lie to us and themselves.

It's so painful to realize that both the bad times and the good times were equally unreal. Mistrust everything they ever said and will say - it's about manipulation and their needs, not about truth or reality.

Try to accept you made a big mistake - you didn't have all the facts and never will.

Best wishes

[saw_tooth]

Foreword:People with BPD usually have no firm sense of 'self', perceive themselves as 'dirty' or 'flawed' and have a negligent (or no) self esteem.

The following is a flow chart of sorts to help you understand how the relationship progressed for her:



-You were the best she had ever had and truly and completely loved her.

-She enjoyed being loved this way in the idealization stage.

-As the relationship deepened,your love boosted her negligent self esteem as you made her feel 'wanted'.Even though it was all good,she thought how can someone so nice love someone as flawed as me and also felt that when you see her 'real dirty self' you would hate her and leave ie-the abandonment fears kicked in.

-So she had to leave the relationship before you left her and save herself the pain of being abandoned.Hence she said hurtful things(still says).The frequency and harshness of her comments was(and will be) directly proportional to how close she has come to you/how much love and care you are bestowing upon her.

Do not take what she says personally or feel she is being mean because of something you did.Her behavior has nothing to do with you so don't obsess over it or try to make sense of it,you won't be able to,ever.

Ignore her comments and stay NC,block her if required.

Good luck.

[strikeforce]

She just sent me a large text in the last 30 mins, saying how she can never forgive me, that fact she is having nightmares and that she wants nothing to do with me ever again.

Anyway Im hoping that this is the last i'll hear from her.

[HarmKrakow]

She just sent me a large text in the last 30 mins, saying how she can never forgive me, that fact she is having nightmares and that she wants nothing to do with me ever again.

Anyway Im hoping that this is the last i'll hear from her.

Been there done that. I've received the can never forgive you. I already passed a few chapters after where she forgave and even said sorry for her actions

[strikeforce]

I have a feeling that it might well be the last ever 

[HarmKrakow]

I have a feeling that it might well be the last ever 

I also had that thought.

Then a month later an email.

Nothing in the email only the topic itself. It said

Hiiiiiii, how are you doing?

[strikeforce]

Just a gut feeling. Im painted heavy black so she may be gone for good.

[HarmKrakow]

Just a gut feeling. Im painted heavy black so she may be gone for good.

Been there as well, the worst person ever. Can never trust a guy again. How could I have done this to her. I was all to blame. I destroyed this so awesome relationship.

Me me me me to blame. :P

[strikeforce]

yeah, cant believe that the guy she worshiped turned out like this

[HarmKrakow]

yeah, cant believe that the guy she worshiped turned out like this

All I'm saying is that with 'expectation' towards BPD is something different than reality.

I often been wrong about what I expected after the break up from my BPD ex and what she actual did. You wouldn't be the first...

[blurry]

My pwBPD is so contradictory its beyond shocking. One day I'm the most gorgeous man in the world, and the next I'm the " ugliest human being she ever met, inside and out". That's an exact quote of hers that always stuck with me. Another one is my lack of success, lack of a drivers license, and I'm a loser... .mind you the father of her first 3 kids, father of her 4th kid and the father of her 5th kid, all decent guys, decent jobs, cars and own their own homes. Well, she cheated on and left all 3 of them too.

Literally everything she says is a bizaare contradiction.

They use words and sex as a tool to get what they want, and equally use words and actions to drive you away after. I always get told, during her recycle attempts "oh, I didn't mean anything I said, I was just tryng to push you away".

Usually get some short lived empathy after I go back to her too, empathy for how she treated me and things she said. That usually last anywhere from 72 hours to a week, before its all gone.

[HarmKrakow]

My pwBPD is so contradictory its beyond shocking. One day I'm the most gorgeous man in the world, and the next I'm the " ugliest human being she ever met, inside and out". That's an exact quote of hers that always stuck with me. Another one is my lack of success, lack of a drivers license, and I'm a loser... .mind you the father of her first 3 kids, father of her 4th kid and the father of her 5th kid, all decent guys, decent jobs, cars and own their own homes. Well, she cheated on and left all 3 of them too.

Literally everything she says is a bizaare contradiction.

They use words and sex as a tool to get what they want, and equally use words and actions to drive you away after. I always get told, during her recycle attempts "oh, I didn't mean anything I said, I was just tryng to push you away".

Usually get some short lived empathy after I go back to her too, empathy for how she treated me and things she said. That usually last anywhere from 72 hours to a week, before its all gone.

3 different father for 5 of her own kids.

Doesn't there go a ding ding dong dong bell somewhere?

[Turkish]

Just a gut feeling. Im painted heavy black so she may be gone for good.

Been there as well, the worst person ever. Can never trust a guy again.

Me me me me to blame. :P

OOhh, yeah. In one of our last arguments (I've been NC, so to speak, even though we're living in the same house, "no talking about our relationship, or what went wrong, our journeys are our own at this point," been keeping that up for two weeks now, it is hard), she threw out something about how I failed to help take care of our son after he was just born, but then I got better after a few months (and I've taken over most of the parenting for both of our kids!). That was almost four years ago, and she threw out there "typical man!" YGTBKM... .yes, no logic (and I think she exaggerates anyway... .I was the one working full time). No ability to see people can change and grow... because the BPDs can't, and don't see the world and other people that way. They are stuck in the past, their childhoods.

[Turkish]

She has been sending very hurtful messages in the past two days, stuff about not loving me and never wanting to see me again.

She has gone quiet over the last 12 or so hours and Im sitting thinking over the early part of our relationship. Its not hurting as much now but Im wondering on some points.

I was the first boyfriend she had took home to meet her family in years, the first decent guy she had had for years too. First guy in years to meet her son. All of this was confirmed.

I know its unanswerable really but what was special about me to her that she treated me so different?

Accept that you were, and ARE special. She saw something in you way better than those previous. And, like me, you were, and probably might be, the best man she ever met and chose to be in a relationship with.

Though mine had taken the previous love her her life home to meet her mom once (and her mom didn't like him), I was the one she let into her family. They all grew to love me quickly, and I became part of them. That won't change because in reality they are my family due to our kids now. Because she was so adamant about getting herself spayed (as opposed to me getting neutered), in reality, I am and always will be the most complete, adult, mature relationship she will ever have. She might have one or two aspects that will be better, she will never have the "whole enchilada" again. Because I was there for it all (two hard pregnancies and labors/births, the sleepless nights the first six months, etc... .). I will be the only one who will ever be, due to her elective surgery.

Despite what I said in my first paragraph... .with mine, the ex she was hopelessly in love with she had unprotected sex with for like 8 months, hoping to get pregnant with him (he left her, "cheated" came back and cheater with her with his then gf, then left her again... .yeah, great guy!). Not even a false alarm. With me, after the initial b/c for the first year+, it was once or twice, and there was our son. Ditto for the second. So in retrospect... .maybe I wasn't so special to HER (possibly due to her body's reaction? I don't know how much of that stuff is real or wishful thinking). I don't know. Have to ruminate on that one a while. From what she told me, her family still wouldn't have really liked the guy, so will take that as a badge of honor. Even now, I think they see I am being unnecessarily patient and kind with her, but that's me.