Blaming, attacks and victimization: From idealization to clinging to devaluation

[Dr.Me2]

I remember how she felt 'in love' the first day. I did not know anything about BPD but I surely like the feeling that came through the idealization phase, then the clinging phase and a couple of years  ago the hating and devaluation started. Not knowing what I know today about BPD I progressively became confused and frustrated.

Fast forward 8 yrs, I recently left the house a couple of weeks ago shaking from a DV incident . I was close to call the police when my uBPDw DV reach a peak,  throwing things at me, disproportionate verbal abuse, rage and anger all this in front of he kids. But calling the police will just hurt and make matters worse for the kids so decided to leave on a plane even though I was already scheduled for a business trip around this time.

Exhausted and depleted, I could not take it anymore. The next day she had some kind of a nervous breakdown and was rushed to the hospital. Upon arrival at the hospital her first priority was to call me to ensure I don't come back due to this incident, I did not know what she was talking about as she probably thought friends will contact me first to let me know she was at the hospital  She was frantic and wanted me not to come back. I was confused as to why she will even bother to call before knowing first the health condition.

Fortunately, They could not found anything. The complains of a numbness in the arm, vertigo and dizziness where no medical scanning could show anything at the hospital she was then dismiss the same day.

A day after she email me stating that is all my fault she is going through all this. I remain calm and use JADE. She was determined to engage and fully invested in provoking an adversarial confrontation.

Few days after I am calling to see how she was feeling and how were the kids, spoke to the kids and as I am trying to keep the conversation civil and peaceful, realizing that she tries to set me for failure in order to trigger another confrontation to induce guilt as no matter what I do or how I respond to it, she will find her way and manipulate the conversation to accomplish putting herself as the victim and me as the perpetrator. Used JADE again and left the conversation.

Called again to see how she is feeling the next day, kept the conversation trying not to get into an argument. Went well but 5 min later she sends me an attacking and nasty email blaming me for everything and asking for a separation and for me not to come back. I decided not to answer and use JADE and soon realize any attempt from me to make her feel better or validate her feelings was to be sabotaged. She seems to be determined to no longer feel a moment of peace and harmony.

Calling her therapist as she refuses now to go to any more sessions. Her therapist is also frustrated.

Three days went by from the last nasty and violent email and she sends me an email asking when I was coming back because she needs to see the Dr. while the kids are not in school. This is weird since the kids come back around 4:00 PM and most doctors appointments can take place before during the day. Yet at this point I feel I am not prepared to go back to the DV especially when she does this in front of the kids.

I responded to her that although I am not giving up, I am not ready to go back to the DV and I need more time. She responded right away with another nasty email blaming me and attacking me this time using the kids as emotional blackmail and shield and making me feel guilty for everything I do to her and the kids. what

These are no longer just mood swings, these are ambiguous messages and representations driven by a conscious effort to manipulate and control with the whole purpose of pushing devaluation even further

At this point in my life I can't see how the situation can improve as is getting worse and worse by the day. She refuses to admit there is anything wrong with her stating there is everything wrong with me.

I once read that if you are being blamed for everything then you are not at fault.

The more I tried to validate her feelings without being dragged to her black hole the more she attacks and blames me, he devaluation has reach my limits.

I feel that she not only operates at very low primitive emotional level, I also feel she may never come to terms that she is suffering from the disorder and need to seek help. Casting all shame she may have by making me feel guilty.

I am the sole provider for the family and there is not a single day that passes by without her calling me a bad husband and a and a bad father. I am depleted emotionally, financially and spiritually.

It is too much to take as my productive life has become numbed and my ability to concentrate and produce has been impaired.

How to break the vicious cycle and make her come to terms with the disorder without making things worse than they already are?