I had a T session yesterday that helped me to finally understand the fear I had for my own safety growing up. It is amazing sometimes how subtle the treats are. How no one would ever know they even were there. I figured out I was the scapegoat but did not even know it because all of the cruelty was masked with kindness, things for my own good. So there are many things I am learning about my childhood and my distorted perceptions of things. At times, it is overwhelming. I have figured out either very limited contact or no contact is best for myself and my family for exactly these reasons. But I find that the FOG is so strong sometimes. Mainly the fear that I need to let go of. I don't know if I will ever feel safe from her. It is funny I never knew all of this until yesterday. It was a light bulb moment.
I did not even understand I was the scapegoat and sacrificial child due to the fact that I was her confidant and savior. I thought I was the golden child because she praised me and confided in me. I did not see the put downs in the praise. The fact that my sister could do anything and was prized so much more because dad did not love her as much and I was "so much more capable". As long as I was in line she did not have a reason to punish me and come down on me. I could do nothing wrong without her being angry and "disappointed". I had to be responsible and good. My sister did not and excuses were made for her. I now understand that she was the golden child, but in a different way. She was the one to feel sorry for. For mom that was more important. There was no threat. It is funny, that is the sister that prolly displays true BPD traits and is prolly uBPD. Another example of how distorted my view of the world was. Now that I recognize it I can move on.
I don't feel the compulsion to take care of everyone else to the exclusion of my needs anymore, except when faced with my FOO.
How do you survive the ambushes that they use to get you back in line? I am so angry as I look at the fact that she was so good at making me feel completely loved while sticking the knife in my back. Now it is both her and my sister that continue to do this. The role she put me in was so seductive due to the fact that I felt needed and loved. Now it does not hold the appeal, but there is a part of me that wants her love back. Does that make sense? I don't know if it does to me. I am still trying to process it.
The worst part is that no one can truly understand unless you were that child. I don't know if I do. I think for me, it would have been easier to accept the abuse I endured if there were physical scars or constant yelling. I received only like 5 spankings my whole childhood. She was proud of that. She did not yell much. The abuse was so much more subtle. Due to the withdrawal of affection and the thinly veiled threats and innuendos to keep me in line. I finally understand the constant fear and pain I was in that was buried so deep that I could not even acknowledge. I am trying to move past it, but it is hard. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support.
I really think there does need to be more on KO's out there. I sometimes wonder if the BPD diagnosed now are actually KO with fleas because they have a conscious. my-issuesNot saying all, but some. I know my mother would never really let anyone help her because she has no sense of self and everything comes from without. She really does not get others needs or others needs don't matter if they don't line up with her survival. That is the end game. Truly being able to separate and understanding that others are different from her is something that is beyond her. It is like something is missing in her. Such a hard thing to say about your own mother. This is just me trying to understand something there is no understanding.
I am thankful there is a forum of people who understand. Have been there. I use the different resources here to help process and heal, but I also use this for an area of support of people who understand what it is like.
