Did anyone else have things taken away from them repeatedly?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello, I'm new to this discussion board. I lived for almost 50 years having a BPD mother and I suspect BPD brother. The saving graces for me were making the very conscious decision to get away from my family of origin at a very early age, seeking therapy at a very early age and having friends with amazingly functional, loving families. It showed me that not all families live they way my childhood family did.

What amazes me about well meaning people and society in general is that they have so often in my life been fond of saying things like: "You only have one mother." "No one is getting any younger, you should just bury the hatchet... ." etc etc. without knowing what went on behind closed doors and what continues even still within my parents' small, sick world. I have never met anyone in my life who has had the experiences my mother has unleashed on me. Ever since I can remember, I have been a focus of my mother's rage and I could never really communicate that well to other people because they could not relate. My mother is adept at the show pretending to be normal around other people.

I've never regretted the distance geographically or emotionally that I have put between myself and my family. It never made sense to me that I should endure abuse, contempt and disregard simply because they are my biological family. My earliest memories in childhood involved wanting to get away from my mother. I didn't want to sit on her lap or to be close to her because it had been so very painful from the beginning. I was a child who would go anywhere with anyone simply to not be at home. Fortunately I was never abused outside of my parents' home by anyone. The sad irony is that my mother has every right to feel rejected because I did reject her at a very early age. To this day, it makes my skin crawl to think of being around my parents and I can not deal with being in their home, the one in which I grew up. What my mother seems not to comprehend is that she caused this to occur by treating me so poorly.

I don't fault her for her mental illness but I do fault her for never getting any professional help. It has been suggested to her kindly and by many people many times and her response is her usual: rage.

As far back as I can remember, I remember my mother taking anything I enjoyed away from me whether it was dance lessons, childhood friendships, sports. If she figured out that I liked something, she focused upon ruining it, withholding it, ignoring me, canceling things without any discussion etc. From a very early age, I got good at not disclosing much about what I liked.  

Did anyone else experience this? I have never in my life met anyone who can relate to this very weird pattern of abuse. It was so extreme that when I was in second grade my teacher praised me for a writing assignment I did well. She said she wanted to tell my mother how good I did and I paniced and pleaded with her NOT to tell my mother. In my young mind, I thought my mother would try to take even writing away from me. I remember the completely puzzled look on the teacher's face and she tried to calm me down saying "No, honey. This is a good thing."

Well, this post is long enough.

Have a good weekend all!

RP~

[Red Phoenix]

Hello, I'm new to this discussion board. I lived for almost 50 years having a BPD mother and I suspect BPD brother. The saving graces for me were making the very conscious decision to get away from my family of origin at a very early age, seeking therapy at a very early age and having friends with amazingly functional, loving families. It showed me that not all families live they way my childhood family did.

What amazes me about well meaning people and society in general is that they have so often in my life been fond of saying things like: "You only have one mother." "No one is getting any younger, you should just bury the hatchet... ." etc etc. without knowing what went on behind closed doors and what continues even still within my parents' small, sick world. I have never met anyone in my life who has had the experiences my mother has unleashed on me. Ever since I can remember, I have been a focus of my mother's rage and I could never really communicate that well to other people because they could not relate. My mother is adept at the show pretending to be normal around other people.

I've never regretted the distance geographically or emotionally that I have put between myself and my family. It never made sense to me that I should endure abuse, contempt and disregard simply because they are my biological family. My earliest memories in childhood involved wanting to get away from my mother. I didn't want to sit on her lap or to be close to her because it had been so very painful from the beginning. I was a child who would go anywhere with anyone simply to not be at home. Fortunately I was never abused outside of my parents' home by anyone. The sad irony is that my mother has every right to feel rejected because I did reject her at a very early age. To this day, it makes my skin crawl to think of being around my parents and I can not deal with being in their home, the one in which I grew up. What my mother seems not to comprehend is that she caused this to occur by treating me so poorly.

I don't fault her for her mental illness but I do fault her for never getting any professional help. It has been suggested to her kindly and by many people many times and her response is her usual: rage.

As far back as I can remember, I remember my mother taking anything I enjoyed away from me whether it was dance lessons, childhood friendships, sports. If she figured out that I liked something, she focused upon ruining it, withholding it, ignoring me, canceling things without any discussion etc. From a very early age, I got good at not disclosing much about what I liked.  

Did anyone else experience this? I have never in my life met anyone who can relate to this very weird pattern of abuse. It was so extreme that when I was in second grade my teacher praised me for a writing assignment I did well. She said she wanted to tell my mother how good I did and I paniced and pleaded with her NOT to tell my mother. In my young mind, I thought my mother would try to take even writing away from me. I remember the completely puzzled look on the teacher's face and she tried to calm me down saying "No, honey. This is a good thing."

Well, this post is long enough.

Have a good weekend all!

RP~

[Kwamina]

Hello Red Phoenix

I'm very sorry you had such a difficult childhood as a result of the way your BPD mom treated you. I have a (u)BPD mom too and can relate to many aspects of your story.

As far back as I can remember, I remember my mother taking anything I enjoyed away from me whether it was dance lessons, childhood friendships, sports. If she figured out that I liked something, she focused upon ruining it, withholding it, ignoring me, canceling things without any discussion etc. From a very early age, I got good at not disclosing much about what I liked. 

Did anyone else experience this? I have never in my life met anyone who can relate to this very weird pattern of abuse.

I too experienced this and to this day this behavior of her is one of the things I find most hard to accept because it had huge consequences. I'll list a few examples. I got great grades in school but my mother was jealous or felt threatened and tried to bring me down whenever she could. When other people were around she'd act differently but when I was alone with her, her mean side came out again. She sabotaged all my friendships, I wasn't even able to have a telephone conversation with anyone without her interfering in some way. Other times I got the silent or cold treatment after I had talked to someone. She knew I loved certain sports but wouldn't allow me to do anything or would make negative remarks to ruin my mood. This are just a few examples but I can list many more. This pattern of abuse is very weird indeed, but unfortunately not unique to your and my situation. You'll find that there are many more people on here with very similar experiences. It definitely feels good being able to communicate about these things with people who actually understand what you're talking about because they've experienced it too.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Red Phoenix,



Thank you for sharing your story... .

The experiences that you describe do sound very familiar to me. Not from real-life, but from a book that describes those. The book is called Understanding the Borderline Mother. It's a very well written book, and it helped me understand my mother. At the same time, the introduction says that it may be too intense of a read for some, as it may bring up too many bad memories.This one is a great starter and less intense: Surviving a Borderline Parent

Those two are specifically written for children of persons w/BPD. Have you had a chance to read other books on BPD? 

And I do agree with Kwamina - there are a number of people that experience this, as bizarre and cruel as those behaviors are! You have found a good place, where it is safe to share. There are others who have walked in your shoes or had similar experiences, and they will understand, what you went through.

Having a parent w/BPD is a very painful experience a child can have and it leaves life-long scars... .

[lovespopcorns78]

welcome... .glad you are here it is a great comfort to be able to have support ... I was the bad child in a  home with a mom with BPD... a very physical and emotionally abusive home My father died before I was 8 and my mother took out all her rages on me, I had no one to protect me from her outbursts I was her punching bag... I lived in fear moment to moment,, I have sibblings they are the golden children this happens often , they received all her attention all praise financial support that was over the top ... .if my mom would give me a gift she asks for it back to give it to her granddaughter or a friend I actually have nothing left of my family history she has taken it all away all our family heirlooms my brothers have them now... .so dont let her have it back!  This treatment from the BPD is kept a secret for the most part by the family and abuser, this hidden shame guilt and low self worth  can develop from this abusive  environment as it did with me... I have some BPD traits due to the abuse, so yes my mom did the same things as your mom did as an adult women I still would be overcome with fear if she were yelling at me or just in the room ( she was really bad) so after setting boundaries for my relationship with her it has changed my life, I havent seen her for 2 years talk about 1-2 times a month because I can control the phone call... .so I understand  why you need to do that... .remember they will never change many of them deny the behavior...   no one else has lived in you situation so dont let anyone judge you, boundaries the magic word it sounds like you are aware of the problem good for you... .I am 55 and have been hiding this all my life until 6 months ago... .good luck to you !

[zone out]

Hi Red Phoenix

Welcome to the site - you will find plenty of us sharing very similar stories.  Good for you - getting out early and building yourself a support network.  My uBPD mother did keep the filter on fairly well when I was a young child although I do remember her annoying habit of giving my things away without asking, and before I was finished with them.  It was as if she had no respect for my possessions.

We each have to find our own way and work out how to deal with our individual situations but it is tremendously helpful to share experiences.  Keep reading and posting. There is lots of useful information on the site - I often use key words in the search facility and read lots of archive posts.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Red Phoenix,

Welcome!   I think you'll be amazed at how much you have in common with the members here. As you can see, you're not alone.

Is it possible that your mother is/was jealous of you and your accomplishments? Sometimes when someone is very insecure, they'll try to diminish the achievements of others. It doesn't seem right that a parent would be jealous of his/her own child, but it does happen.

It's also very invalidating when others make comments like, "You only have one mother," and I know how frustrating that can be. At the same time, it's very hard for someone who grew up with healthy parents to understand what it's like having a mother with BPD. What do you typically do when well-meaning people say things like that?

Welcome again, and I look forward to seeing you around!

-GG

[Pipper99]

Hi Red Phonix,

I had to write back, as I visit here when ever I need to get some encouragement , but I had to say I related very much to your post.

I am NC with my BPD mother for almost 2 years, and I don't have much contact with my family who is in contact with her. I am on my way to peace the last 2 years have been the most fulfilling. with my mother it was full contact or nothing, she isn't good with understanding boundaries, so I said goodbye. I struggle with the guilt at time but reading posts here helps me to understand that I am not alone it wasn't our fault. Your right she had a choice to get treatment, and she didn't.

I can related to the take away comments you had. My mom has done this to me too when I was little and growing up. If I liked a jacket, it got "misplaced", shirts would get ruined that she didn't like that I loved - as a child I thought that's weird, she wouldn't of done that would she of?... she always hated all my friends, boyfriends etc I liked, I kept them far away as I got older. If I loved a topic in college, she remarked how stupid or useless it was. . I learned that to not show that I liked anything, a numbness, and to always like what she liked. I was really good at sports, she criticized them and said it was "manly", she took away anything I had joy in. As a child I don't remember processing it as that and even as I got older, cause  do moms really do that? it took therapy to realize that they answer is yes. So you have to go a on journey as a adult to find your happiness, joy, and things that you like. Even speaking up for things that you like or don't is hard. This is constant journey but the journey is full of all kinds of possibilities!

Anyway Thanks for you post and nice to know we are not alone!

[lovespopcorns78]

 yes Piper  and red phoenix I share same events with my mom ... .I guess my T told me that my mom may be a good person but is not a good mom so dont feel it was me that ccaused her anger and disappointment, they do want us to fail in every aspect of our lives since I am not wired that way it is impossible for me to even imagine doing those things to my children it is so awful to think of, unimaginable they are so precious to me, boundaries are my freedom from the hurt, yes I went through guilt I wish on mothers day I could buy a card with the message of love and happy memories, but i dont its a lie, so how great to know i am not alone ,, know it gets better with time but it is a numbness I feel I have to I cant let her persecute me I have control of my environment,, hang in there

[Breathing new air]

Red Phoenix, in answer to your question yes. But in very subtle ways like Piper said that made me question my own sanity. I have learned this is fairly common. And Geekygirl may have a point about jealousy, the different books on the Borderline parents seem to address this issue quite a bit. You are doing great work and keep it up. One thing to remember is something my T says to me a lot now. I am an adult and I have the right to chose. When we were kids, our mothers has ultimate power, but really they do not any more. They actually may need us more than we need them. We need to claim our power and learn to like who we are.

I think for me it has been a lot of fun to find out who I am based on my beliefs and likes. I would like me if I was a friend. I can be fun to be around. There are so many qualities that my mother dismissed that I repressed.  The best thing you can do for yourself is be a good friend to yourself.  Give yourself a hug you are taking one of the hardest journeys.

[zone out]

I think for me it has been a lot of fun to find out who I am based on my beliefs and likes. I would like me if I was a friend. I can be fun to be around. There are so many qualities that my mother dismissed that I repressed.  The best thing you can do for yourself is be a good friend to yourself.  Give yourself a hug you are taking one of the hardest journeys.

Breathing new air - that is really good advice for all of us.  Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the situation we are dealing with we forget how to have fun, just how to be.  It is good to try and bring the focus back to ourselves... .try and rebalance things a bit.