Feeling Guilty about possible no contact

[cindergirl]

Hello all,

I haven't been here in a while. Been doing lots of therapy and working on myself. I guess it's helping because yesterday my non-diagnosed NBPD mother threw a huge, what I like to call, tantrum in the morning, in front of my kids. Yes, We all live together in the home I was raised. At one point she got in my face, while screaming, and pushed me, and never let me finish a sentence. I am proud to say I kept calm, didn't feel super enraged, like I used to, and I didn't yell. Well, at least not until she got in my face and pushed me.  Aside from that, lately I've been feeling like I may have PTSD living in this house full of memories and that I really need to move. I really think this is adding to my depression and anxiety, which has become a lot worse lately. My husband and I had decided to move out at the end of this school year, when my son graduates from high school.

Now here's my dilema, I actually would kinda like to have no contact with her when we finally do move out, with the exception of family parties, but feel really guilty about that. How do I let go of that dam guilt? As it is, my brothers and father already get upset with my because I won't just 'go along' with her to keep the peace. If I stop the contact, I might also lose them. Any suggestions?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi cindergirl,

This is always a tough. It's not surprising that your mother's behavior is leading to your depression and anxiety, especially if you're living in her house. That doesn't give you much privacy, and I'm sure that this is stressing out your whole family. I'm glad that you're putting a plan in place to move to your own house, as things should get better from there. Good for you for staying calm and cool yesterday! That couldn't have been easy.

If your brother and father are enmeshed, they might be angry with you for limiting your contact with your mother. Sometimes it's easier to set some smaller boundaries (BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence) rather than set hard and fast rules about contact.

You might want to start thinking about when you are comfortable seeing your mother--you mentioned family parties--and what you'll do in those situations.

[zone out]

Cindergirl

It sounds like you have been doing a good job in dealing with your mother - the fact that she upped the antagonism was perhaps because you were getting the upper hand and she resorted to lashing out.  I have faced these tantrums many times and they are just so draining and futile.

I am really glad to hear you will be moving out.  Things are stressful at the minute so it might be an idea just to take one day at a time, set a few small boundaries as GeekyGirl suggests and leave the decision on NC for now - see how you feel when you move on. 

Let us know how things are going.

[Exasperated]

Gosh, it must be so hard to be in the same house as her. Good luck on getting out of that situation. I think the guilt is always something we have to deal with, but I'm sure you will be able to try to do what is best for you!

[cindergirl]

Thank you GeekyGirl, I read the article you referenced and I think you are right about smaller boundaries. I guess I just needed more time to 'cool off'. It was very emotionally and psychologically draining.  The energy here is horrible. She's ignoring and avoiding me. I make it a point to tell her 'good morning' when I first see her, without any sort of sarcasm in my voice, but she never responds, not even in front of my dad or husband. My dad just acts like nothing just happened. Overall, he's being a little distant. I don't blame him, I guess. Did I mention previously that I recorded the second half of her tantrum? Not sure what made me do it, I just did. The morning after the fight, I sent it to my brothers. When I had lunch with them yesterday, one of them told me he let Dad listen to it and was very unhappy I recorded it. They were all wondering why I would record it. I told them 'cuz I guess no one would believe how bad it really is and wanted proof. I've let a couple of friends listen to it. Sure enough, they know things could get bad, but had no idea how bad. They wondered why I was still there, that I needed to move. Well, their house is finally paid off, so they don't need us to pay the mortgage anymore. So, that guilt will now be gone when we move.

Thank you all for your support!