Sex Requirement

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Through my experience, both in a relationship ~18 months with a BPD, and through reading hundreds of threads here on BPD Family, I've come to the realization that it seems "amazing" sex has been a large component to the relationship. This maybe wasn't from the get-go, but as it happened, or progressed, it got to that point.

How did your relationship go in this perspective? Was there "amazing" sex as partner of your relationship with your partner? I'm also curious as if your partner lied (or you suspect they did) about her sexual past.

[Chapboy]

Through my experience, both in a relationship ~18 months with a BPD, and through reading hundreds of threads here on BPD Family, I've come to the realization that it seems "amazing" sex has been a large component to the relationship. This maybe wasn't from the get-go, but as it happened, or progressed, it got to that point.

How did your relationship go in this perspective? Was there "amazing" sex as partner of your relationship with your partner? I'm also curious as if your partner lied (or you suspect they did) about her sexual past.

[Waifed]

Through my experience, both in a relationship ~18 months with a BPD, and through reading hundreds of threads here on BPD Family, I've come to the realization that it seems "amazing" sex has been a large component to the relationship. This maybe wasn't from the get-go, but as it happened, or progressed, it got to that point.

How did your relationship go in this perspective? Was there "amazing" sex as partner of your relationship with your partner? I'm also curious as if your partner lied (or you suspect they did) about her sexual past.

Sex was good for all three years, even better the last month after I caught her cheating. She was far to experienced at sex to be as innocent as she proclaimed.

[Ironmanrises]

Amazing sex... .?

No.

My exUBPDgf is incredibly beautiful... .

Sexy... .

Lips that are as soft... .

As the softest peach... .

You have ever tasted.

To die for.

Sexual beyond.

In idealization... .

The sexual intimacy was really good... .

Until she got triggered.

Then the missiles... .

Started to rain down... .

On me.

I started to sexually want her... .

Less... .

And less.

She immediately notices this.

Starts to demand sex.

Literally.

Tells me... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

You provide me with your penis... .

I provide you... .

With my vagina... ."

Yes.

She said that to me.

Who demands that... .?

Someone with BPD.

I stopped providing that... .

Shortly after she said that... .

Which coincided... .

With my world... .

Being eclipsed... .

With a barrage... .

Of endless waves... .

Of missiles.

My penis does not work like that.

Pardon my sexual vulgarity.

[Traumatized]

You provide me with your penis... .

I provide you... .

With my vagina... ."

LOL!

[Learning2Thrive]

The sex was beyond amazing and more exquisite than I'd ever dreamed possible.

Initially the intimacy was also mind-blowing and amazing. Perhaps this is what I miss most and feel somewhat terrified that I will never experience that again. Not because she holds the key to happiness in that arena, but because I truly don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone on that level again. I never--EVER--let anyone see that far into my soul. I don't know if I'll ever be willing to take that risk again.

Many months later, as devaluation began, the sex felt mechanical and um... .pretty much pornographic... .virtually no intimacy. I eventually became exhausted chasing the shadow of the girl who seduced me and promised we were soul mates. She told me over and over... .our love would last forever. She lied.

[Learning2Thrive]

Oh... .and I'm now also convinced that she lied about her sexual past (distant and recent past). I have no proof--don't need it, don't want it.  My gut tells me it's true.

The fantasy has been shattered. She isn't who she said she was. And who she showed me she is isn't anyone I want to be involved with.  I'm moving forward.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

The sex was beyond amazing and more exquisite than I'd ever dreamed possible.

Initially the intimacy was also mind-blowing and amazing. Perhaps this is what I miss most and feel somewhat terrified that I will never experience that again. Not because she holds the key to happiness in that arena, but because I truly don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone on that level again. I never--EVER--let anyone see that far into my soul. I don't know if I'll ever be willing to take that risk again.

Many months later, as devaluation began, the sex felt mechanical and um... .pretty much pornographic... .virtually no intimacy. I eventually became exhausted chasing the shadow of the girl who seduced me and promised we were soul mates. She told me over and over... .our love would last forever. She lied.

Yet another "Me too! Same here!" - we really need a button to click with that on it, because it's such a frequent response reading others' experiences... .

The last time my ex and I were together (it was LDR), the sex was... .well, it was entirely centred round him. Or one bit of him, rather. I remember thinking at the time, "blimey, aren't there meant to be two of us in this bed, rather than just him on his own?". He did kiss my mouth lots, and spoke the right words, but barely touched me apart from that.

The first time... .I've said elsewhere that due to a lot of bad experiences, I had always either had to be drunk enough to relax, or else resign myself to hurting and maybe bleeding if sober. With my BPD ex-bf, that first weekend together, the intimacy was so strong, my trust in him so complete that for the very first time, only time, in my life, I was able to be with someone without fear or pain.

I choose to remember this as joyful - not because it was with him, but because it is proof that I can do this. I am a real woman, and I am not inadequate in any way sexually. I am not broken. I just need to reserve myself solely for situations with complete trust, and no longer allow myself to end up in situations where I don't trust the other person.

So - a gift from him, in a way. that is how I choose to see it.

[UmbrellaBoy]

"Mind blowing sex"... .was not my experience at all.

But then, a big part of his BPD was an extreme ambivalence about sexuality and his sexual identity, etc. He even considered himself to have major issues surrounding the erotic and intimacy, including addiction to pornography, a detachment from physicality in general, and a compartmentalization of emotional bonds from lust. So it made total sense to me, in hindsight, that he was disappointing sexually.

But even with the boyfriend of his in the past whom he was most sexually attracted to (obsessed really, even still sexually obsessed with his memory)... .his reports (for example, a short story he wrote that I read way back when I first met him) indicated that the guy had to prod him into any sort of active sexuality, that he would be a reluctant participant, that he would fantasize about porn during sex, and that religious anxieties got in the way. Because of all this, there were apparently a lot of conflicts about the sex question and the boyfriend not being satisfied with his level of willingness or enthusiasm in participation. He told me about the most kinky or adventurous thing they ever did, once... .and it was not kinky or adventurous at all. My guy was certainly extremely vanilla like that.

Then with the next guy, the ex he left me for and to whom I think he crawled back after dumping me, he admitted to me before they even started dating that he wasn't sexually attracted to the guy, and described their sex life a year into their relationship as "always a non-starter." Sexual activity was reluctant with him too, it sounds like, at one point they even agreed just to have a sexless relationship, and the whole question was always for them fraught with conflict and religious ambivalence again. But then after they broke up (but before we made things official) my guy continued to ("passively," I now imagine) let the guy initiate fooling around, albeit "rarely."

Before making things official, there were religious undertones to our relationship too, and I refused to do anything with him until he was willing to give me an official commitment (as I knew there was still lingering fall-out with the ex)... .once we finally got together officially and tried it (only a few times, mind you, as it was long distance at that point)... .I was underwhelmed, to say the least.

He basically just lay their passively, looking disgusted, said he felt "gross and dirty" having sex, would hesitantly let me service him, but only with extremely reluctance (and even "arguing" would he ever agree to finish me. He was very much not enthusiastic, not passionate, didn't seem to really have any sense of confidence or creativity or passion or how to be physical or passionate generally. He was sort of just very inhibited and awkward and passive, and would immediately leave the bed and refuse to cuddle or anything afterward (read: BPD fear of intimacy?). We kissed once or twice (again, he was extremely inhibited about that), but mainly he would not kiss me or touch me during sex and was just sort of... .rude, stone-walling, refusing to cooperate actively. Went along with it, but also while sending messages that he didn't really want to be there. Then there would be rare moments where he seemed to loosen up and go with the flow more, only to quickly retreat back to reluctant, ambivalent passivity.

And these were my first times ever doing anything! You'd think he'd be the "leader," as the one with more experience, or would want to help me learn or whatever, but no. I was actually the one who was much more bold and confident and "active" even though I was the one who had been a virgin (and he had been sexually active for like 6 years already). He's lucky I still enjoyed it because he was so physically attractive! He even said after the first time (where, as would be usual, he just lay there like a dead fish), in an ashamed voice, "I'm sorry, I know that's not an ideal tenor for a first experience but... .that's just who I am."

Now, he was especially resistant to me because I think he was already devaluing me at that point, getting ready to dump me and cut me off. So I imagine that with past guys maybe things were a BIT more participatory and maybe a little more passionate on his end. But still, once we tried it, I looked back on all the vague descriptions he had given me over the course of knowing him about his sex life with past guys... .and suddenly they all made sense. He has extreme hang-ups, and so is sort of reluctant (and therefore pathetic) in bed.

Still, I agree with the last post: I choose to remember it joyfully and as a gift, a learning experience. He was my first, I enjoyed myself and made the most of it even if he didn't, and there was, for me, this atmosphere of complete trust. I definitely felt safe sharing that with him, because I knew him well enough for it to make sense to me in terms of intimacy (of course, our having that level of intimacy is what scared the hell out of him!) Having tried it at least demystified it for me, and the "sexual threat" that he and his experience represented to me (I used to be haunted by "retrospective jealousy" images of him with his past guys)... .immediately melted away, because I saw that there was no "X Factor," he was not the "shy awkward guy who is secretly a passionate freak in bed" that I thought maybe would emerge as his little secret. Nope, that description might fit ME, , I discovered, but he was just "himself" in bed... .which is to say, totally ambivalent and shame-filled and awkward and obfuscatory and messed up. All my fears of inadequacy that I hard harbored as a virgin totally went out the door, and I can only sort of pity him.

[houseofswans]

In idealization... .

The sexual intimacy was really good... .

Until she got triggered.

Then the missiles... .

Started to rain down... .

On me.

I started to sexually want her... .

Less... .

And less.

That was exactly my experience as well. 

[nevaeh]

I've posted about this subject before so I won't go into a lot of detail.

Suffice it to say that for my uBPDh, sex=love.  We have been going through one of our "good" times (meaning he has not been dysregulated for about 3 months now) and he isn't overly sexually demanding.  Last time he was dysregulated was in June/July and we had lots of arguments about sex.  I am a prude... .he is "concerned" that I am suppressing memories from being molested as a child and that is why I don't want to have sex all the time... .I tell him I don't want to have sex with him when he is angry or being a jerk... .he says I need to just let go of the "emotions" and focus on the sex... .I tell him that I have anxiety about sex... .he says I need to just relax and let it go... .he tells me that my lack of interest in sex is what makes him mad and angry... .

When I think about the past few months, during his "good" time, he hasn't lost his temper (much).  I haven't wanted to give him sex.  I don't pursue it, I don't initiate it, I don't want it.  In that respect he is probably right when he says it doesn't matter if he is "behaving"... .I still don't give him sex, and that is a problem for him.  The problem is that I don't love him anymore and I don't want to be married to him anymore but I haven't told him this yet.  I know that at some point in the near future he is going to become dysregulated and it will manifest itself in him being mad one night because I deny him, and it will go on for a few weeks before he blows up and we have silent treatment for a few weeks.

I am going to start going to a T, need to set that up.  Sex is one of our biggest issues and I admit that I am a part of the problem in that respect.  I look at our past and see that I used to be more adventurous and much more interested in sex, but after 18 years of BPD madness I simply have nothing else left.  We aren't where we are because I have never given him sex... .we are where we are because of a whole lot of other things (his affairs, porn addiction, BPD behavior, my enabling him/codependency issues, etc).  I know in my heart that I need to move on without him.  I just have to get up the courage to do it.  That is why I need the T.

Anyway, in relation to sex, my experience has been that my uBPDh has a strong sexual need and that is his self-soothing behavior.  I am not wired that way, at all.  We aren't compatible.  He needs someone who can fulfill his needs, willingly.  I am just not that person anymore.

[Lao Tzu]

     I went to a site for people with BPD last week just to see what they think about and it was pretty enlightening for me, especially on this issue.  The messages I read (no claim to being comprehensive in my searching) were actually very uniform.  Basically, they didn't enjoy sex at all and many said they generally dissociated while engaging.  I've read messages here that noted their pwBPD seemed to dissociate, but it was interesting to see person after person report this.  It became clear to me that sexuality is just another tool (pardon the pun) for them to exert control.  I know there are no rules, especially for this very variable disorder, but it was a strong trend, IMHO.

    By the way, after reading these messages for a long time it was quite a shock to my mind to step back and feel the overall feel of those boards compared to this one.  The very few people there who routinely tried to help (probably working for the site in some capacity, judging by the frequency of responses) were very often 'nuked' severely and the thread closed by the site due to the nastiness.  More commonly it was just very uncaring.  No great surprise, of course, but if you ever doubt these folks are fundamentally different in many ways from you and the other 'nons' here, take a look.  It's another world, and one I wouldn't want to live in.  

LT  

[drv3006]

This is where I feel that I differ.  My ex guy would not have sex with me at all. Then towards the end (14 months) I think he did it just because he knew I was just about tired of the relationship.  The first time we did it was awful.  He wouldn't even remove his or my clothes.   Just moving garments from one side to another.  I felt cheap and foolish.   I still do.   I was never good enough for this man in any area.

[Hazelrah]

Our sex life was very powerful the first half of our relationship--she often claimed we were involved in the mose compatible sexual relationship she'd ever been in.  Of course, I've read enough on BPD to come to understand this is often a means of the pwBPD to possibly manipulate or control their partner.  I am not necessarily claiming this was her motivation, but her behavior did seem to align with some of the info I've read on the subject.  The sex cooled a bit over time, but it was never pedestrian or boring in my opinion.

One thing unique to my pwBPD were the intense emotions she'd often experience afterwards--she often cried in the aftermath of lovemaking, claiming the feelings  she had for me were so powerful that she just couldn't contain her emotions at these points in time.  It was an intoxicating feeling for me, and another thing that led me to mistakenly believe we were 'perfect' for one another.

[HarmKrakow]

I've had quite a few bed partners, but I have to admit that my ex BPD was by far the best, not by a little. By a LOT. All the sex before her and after was crappier, less sparks and fireworks.

[Blade99d]

I've had quite a few bed partners, but I have to admit that my ex BPD was by far the best, not by a little. By a LOT. All the sex before her and after was crappier, less sparks and fireworks.

Harm,

I am in the same boat.  We had sex on our first date, and it was amazing.  We both have voracious appetites when it came to sex.  The difference is mine was real and I really enjoye pleaing her, her's was so selfish.  It was all about her needs.  One thing that I found very odd, she would compare me sizewize to some of her past bf's.  Mind you, I wasnt asking, she would just say it.   Thats when i started to realize there was something not quite right here. 

[Turkish]

Mine literally jumped me one day and thereafter we were boyfriend/girlfriend. Barely any affectionate contact the few months before when we were just "friends."

After that, I sensed something was wrong... .my deal was similar to Ironmanfalls... .at one point she "forced" me into sex therapy. I felt validated there (by a woman doctor no less), who confirmed I was a human being with feelings, not a robot. Previously, I got lectures on how "mind-blowing" and "heavenly" it should be... .based on her past relationship, a guy who left her, cheated on her, came back and gave her an STD and left her again. Yeah, GREAT guy!

Due to a month of not having it, something I got from her (not an STD, the doctor confirmed), she didn't "get any" for a month... .coinciding with the stress of a second baby. Her anger, my anger at her for treating me like crap, a vicious feedback loop. Then I let her go out... .then she REALLY went out. Most likely didn't sleep with the guy, but it was all emotionally, hugging, kissing (I confirmed that by a message he sent to her on her cell, before she locked it out), no matter.

The other night, she still brought that thing up a year ago, just after probably the only apology she will give to me for her "mistake" (as if she forgot to put static sheets in the laundry, or spilled food on the table). My therapist says she is still trying to justify the unjustifiable (the affair). That helps. A lot.

[happylogist]

I can't tell much since we did not date for a long time and it was a short honeymoon stage, but one thing that was strange during our LDR - were his fantasizes about us. It was rarely about intimacy and missing me, rather it had some kind of a fantastic porno plot with me being with different men or him with various women, advanced levels of group sex. I understand this is kinky and interesting for partners after being for some time with each other, when there is a desire to spice things up, but this was a bit too early. It seems that for him sex was more self-centered act of performing, being a porno star.

[AlexRose]

It was rarely about intimacy and missing me, rather it had some kind of a fantastic porno plot

It was a bit similar in my case (it was an LDR too with honeymoon phase and then quick trigger and break up). Before we got physical, hell, even before we met in the flesh, he wanted to see some naughty pics of mine so after some hesitation I agreed to do a photo session for him. I am a photographer so it was actually fun to use the camera on myself and I was very pleased with the result. I took few tasteful nude photos. When he saw them he said he liked them only to ask me for 'more slutty' ones 2 mins later. It was the first time I let him see a bit more of my body and he was already displeased as if I did something wrong not reading his mind and then not agreeing to send him anything 'slutty'.

When it came to sex some time later I can't say he was my dream come true. He was definitely the hottest guy ever but sadly quite boring and mechanical in bed. There is one thing though I remember clearly, he made me do something that was really painful and despite my clear signals he would not stop or care I was being so sore. He insisted on continuing, said something about opening up to pain as a pleasure (hmm was this another sign of his convoluted psyche?) and when after few more minutes I asked him to stop as couldn't bear the pain he got offended, went into a huffy puff and said I did not love him enough if I did not want to make him happy. I remember lying in his bed afterwards crying and doubting it happened for real. I couldn't understand how someone could be so insensitive. Now when I look back it was one of the most significant What the heck moments... I should have known...

[happylogist]

He insisted on continuing, said something about opening up to pain as a pleasure (hmm was this another sign of his convoluted psyche?)

Hi AlexRose,

I had the opposite - honeymoon and then LDR, but our experiences are similar. He was also focused on pain as a pleasure both psychologically and physically, but more as a submissive partner. He described himself as a giver, which was probably true, but very often really focusing on sex as a way of punishment -> pleasure, even when it was about relatively non-deviant sexual actions - like oral sex (sorry, for details). I do not know whether it is me, or I sensed some kind of persistent masochistic notion in his preferences, but I remember googling all the time reasons behind someone wanting to experience punishment and pain in all possible ways as he was opening up.  Actually, he was feeling love as pain - this was mostly the times when he was confessing.

[starshine]

The first time he kissed me it took my breath away, and when we had sex for the first time it was the best I've ever had.  For 5 years it was the best I ever had.   I have a pretty large sexual appetite, and he was able to match my pace, which I'd not experienced with a partner.  He sure did seem caring and into it, up until the very last day of our relationship. I guess the positive that I take from my experience with my BPD is that now I know I am capable of receiving that much pleasure.  I hope I am able to be open enough in a future relationship to tap into the depths of my soul again.  It sure was fun!  That was what was so crushing to me, that he could start up with someone within days of breaking up with me.  Like I never mattered.   :'(