Signing The Divorce Paperwork and feel sad. Please help

[samthewiss]

My BPD wife asked for a divorce.

She asked me to leave twice before and then asked me to return.

This time it is for real. Its Over.

I know she constantly accused me of cheating, lying, living a double life. When I pressed her for details, like who? what? where?  she had no real answer.

She was mean to my two kids, blaming them for stealing and being lazy, but my kids only crime was that their dad married a BPD wife.

It hurts like hell. I know logically she is not well and says things and does things that are F-ed up. But I care for her and tried for two years to love her enough.

I got dumped, she moved on, i mean nothing to her. I feel an emptiness that hurts.

I know i am codependent. I know I have to fill the emptiness i feel for myself.

But knowing it does not take the pain away. Emotional pain comes from a different part of the brain. That part needs to get better. It is not yet.

   

 

[nevaeh]

Hi Sam,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I will be in your place in the next several months (I haven't filed for divorce yet), and it is scary to think about what will be. 

My uBPDh can also be mean to our kids.  They are also lazy and ungrateful (according to my H).  H calls our S12 names and swears at him.  H can also be funny and a great dad when he wants to be (or when his disorder allows him to be). 

I hate to say it but I wish I was in your situation and my H was the one asking for the divorce. That's not to say that it wouldn't hurt and be very painful, but it takes away the need for me to be the one to make the decision to move on.  I imagine you are hurting a lot... .not sure if you were wanting to stay and try to make things work or if you were "OK" with this outcome.  If you were wanting to make it work then I'm sure the pain you are facing is horrible! 

Hang in there.  I hope that time will help you get through this and you will start to see that you are (hopefully) better off without her in your life.

((HUGS))

[Waifed]

My BPD wife asked for a divorce.

She asked me to leave twice before and then asked me to return.

This time it is for real. Its Over.

I know she constantly accused me of cheating, lying, living a double life. When I pressed her for details, like who? what? where?  she had no real answer.

She was mean to my two kids, blaming them for stealing and being lazy, but my kids only crime was that their dad married a BPD wife.

It hurts like hell. I know logically she is not well and says things and does things that are F-ed up. But I care for her and tried for two years to love her enough.

I got dumped, she moved on, i mean nothing to her. I feel an emptiness that hurts.

I know i am codependent. I know I have to fill the emptiness i feel for myself.

But knowing it does not take the pain away. Emotional pain comes from a different part of the brain. That part needs to get better. It is not yet.

   

 

Hang in there Sam.  Lean heavy on the boards until you get your head straight and see a therapist if you haven't already done so.  :)issociation is a horrible part of BPD and that is a big reason in my opinion why they begin the process of detaching.  It didn't matter what you did or said this was likely going to be the final outcome at some point.  :)o not beat yourself up.  IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  

You say that you mean nothing to her but that is probably the furthest thing from the truth.  It is a horrible illness for everyone involved.  Try to stay strong, busy and force yourself keep a positive attitude.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sam, I'm sorry for your pain.  The reality, though, is that it is extremely difficult to sustain a BPD r/s over the long haul.  Although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, you will be much better off when you move on with your life.  Take good care of yourself for a change and know that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  Lucky Jim

[maxen]

hi sam. i'm so sorry for your pain, for the whole story you've shared. it sounds awful, you surely have great strength to be facing it and surviving. lean on that strength, lean on us on the boards here, we all want to support each other. i'll be in your position in a while, so i have some idea of the emotions you're facing.

[samthewiss]

Thank you all for your support.

So far today I...

Called her parents, whom i was very close to. I wanted to thank them for their support and wanted to say goodbye. I did it for closer. To my surprise, my uBPD wife picked up the phone and starting yelling that i had no right to call her parents, she is not calling my family, its over, get over it ... .I hung up.

Then I sent her a text saying

"I called your parents to say goodbye and have closer, My mind knows we are over, my heart is hurting like hell. No need to respond. I am deleting your and your parents phone number from my phone" I got no response (thank god)

I then called a friend who knows my situation. He told me:

1. This is not your fault.

2. You are good friend, a good dad, a good person.

3. Your co-depended issues are making this very painful. Join a support group, use this experience to heal your self.

I then read your messages and a wave of calm surrounded me. Hard to explain fully but thank you thank you.

I then walked into her attorney office and signed the paperwork.

All that is lest to do is go and pick up the last of my belongings from the house and give her the Jewish divorce.

Javamom, Thank you.

Waifed, Thank you. I am seeing a therapist. He is very good. He also knows my uBPD wife. As a co-dependent i do (did) see my value tide to how she viewed me. If she cares for me, she is doing a great job masking it.

LuckyJim. Thank you, i know logically you are right. It just has to travel to my emotional side of the brain. 

[fiddlestix]

I share your pain, Sam.  I am also going through a divorce from my dBPDw.  Looking at the papers is like looking at a corpse.  So many years, memories, struggles, hopes, dreams, laughs, tears... .laid out on a table in ink.  Very painful.  My ex has a new guy already as well.  It seems she has moved on (of course he is one of dozens over the years).  But there is really no way to know how she is truly doing.  I waste too much time trying to read her thoughts. 

It is hard, Sam, but try not to predict or understand what she is thinking, feeling and doing.  If she is BPD she is most likely running on the auto-pilot of pain denial and pleasure seeking that is common for them.  You are brave enough to face your pain, feel it, and walk through it. 

Stay with us

Fiddle

[Surnia]

Samthewiss

I am so sorry. And a big, big 

It hurts.

You are such a great, honest person.

I then read your messages and a wave of calm surrounded me. Hard to explain fully but thank you thank you.

I then walked into her attorney office and signed the paperwork.

Sending you strength, patience. We are here for you.

[MammaMia]

Sam

I am sorry for what you are going through.

Yes, it is going to hurt for a while but you WILL recover. It just takes time.  The other option is to stay with someone who abuses you and makes you miserable forever.  There are many other reasons for you to be happy and freedom from pain is one of them.

Your time will come.  In the interim, we are all here for you.  Know you are not alone, and please take care of yourself.  Life will go on and the future will be better.