My inner child

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm pretty connected to my inner child - i think.  I've been through years and years of therapy to the point where I can actually visualize him sitting alone on a park bench.

I'm confused.

In writing that I realized that I always visualize my inner child alone, waiting for me.  I literally paused for a solid minute after I wrote the word alone.  Perhaps thats the bit that needs working on.  Food for thought.

Anyhow, I came here to write a post talking about conversations with my inner child.  For some reason, my inner child is still saying, "She's ok.  I still like her.  She's just hurting too."

My resolve is fading.  It's not that I want her back.  I just wish our inner children could meet, and at times I felt like they did.

I can't get the image out of my head where she truly sat like the child that she must have been like when her father died and her grandmother was murdered and she just kept writing "everybody leaves" over and over covering an entire sheet of paper.  She literally did that in one conversation when I was trying to talk to her about our issues.

I hate to admit my inner child loves her inner child, and hates to see her in such pain.

Perhaps I'm confusing compassion and empathy with love.  I don't know.

I just know that right here, right now, in this moment, I wish I could sit with her and tell her I forgive her and understand.  I wish we could have one adult conversation and walk away.

Sadly, I know that's an impossibility.  I tried so many times.  So sad.  Just once, I'd like to have had that.

Strangely, I wish she was more venomous on her way out instead of me finally putting up a boundary to her selfish acting out, trying to make me jealous, picking on my insecurities.  I wish she hadn't sulked and self pitied and acted loving.  It only makes NC all the harder.

My inner child is such a soft forgiving person.  I even forgive, truly, forgive, the man who raped me all those many years ago.  I look at it as a blessing, in its own right.

Some may say my forgiveness is a gift.  Right now it's just putting me in pain.

[PhoenixRising15]

I'm pretty connected to my inner child - i think.  I've been through years and years of therapy to the point where I can actually visualize him sitting alone on a park bench.

I'm confused.

In writing that I realized that I always visualize my inner child alone, waiting for me.  I literally paused for a solid minute after I wrote the word alone.  Perhaps thats the bit that needs working on.  Food for thought.

Anyhow, I came here to write a post talking about conversations with my inner child.  For some reason, my inner child is still saying, "She's ok.  I still like her.  She's just hurting too."

My resolve is fading.  It's not that I want her back.  I just wish our inner children could meet, and at times I felt like they did.

I can't get the image out of my head where she truly sat like the child that she must have been like when her father died and her grandmother was murdered and she just kept writing "everybody leaves" over and over covering an entire sheet of paper.  She literally did that in one conversation when I was trying to talk to her about our issues.

I hate to admit my inner child loves her inner child, and hates to see her in such pain.

Perhaps I'm confusing compassion and empathy with love.  I don't know.

I just know that right here, right now, in this moment, I wish I could sit with her and tell her I forgive her and understand.  I wish we could have one adult conversation and walk away.

Sadly, I know that's an impossibility.  I tried so many times.  So sad.  Just once, I'd like to have had that.

Strangely, I wish she was more venomous on her way out instead of me finally putting up a boundary to her selfish acting out, trying to make me jealous, picking on my insecurities.  I wish she hadn't sulked and self pitied and acted loving.  It only makes NC all the harder.

My inner child is such a soft forgiving person.  I even forgive, truly, forgive, the man who raped me all those many years ago.  I look at it as a blessing, in its own right.

Some may say my forgiveness is a gift.  Right now it's just putting me in pain.

[musicfan42]

I just wish our inner children could meet, and at times I felt like they did.

Yes... I can relate to this.

My BPD ex and I would talk to each in our inner child states/voices at times. It felt very intimate at the time... very peaceful. We didn't judge each other in those times... it was just him and I there... both experiencing emotional pain... feeling connected.

I hate to admit my inner child loves her inner child, and hates to see her in such pain.

There is a part of me that feels very motherly/maternal. I almost looked at him as my own child at times even though he was older than me... .that I could love him better. There is a part of me that is full of goodness... that wants to love anyone who is suffering... that just wants to mother them. And then I have to tell myself to stop-that my maternal side has good intentions but will only end up getting hurt... .that her efforts won't be appreciated. I have to set a boundary there.

I definitely saw myself as being emotionally healthier than him... in my adult state, I was judgmental. I felt that he was almost akin to an errant son... that why wasn't he behaving properly... I felt that it was my duty to discipline him almost. I don't want children so it's weird to admit that I have all these maternal feelings within me... I call them maternal for lack of a better word... there is a part of me that is actually capable of loving someone unconditionally... even if I never got anything back from them... And then there is the part of me that stops me from doing that... that urges me to choose self-preservation.

When we were both in the inner child state, we were on the same level... I wasn't above him. We were equals... both suffering emotional pain. I think it's the only time I treated him as an equal... the rest of the time, I regarded him as my inferior... that I was wiser/more responsible than him etc.

I don't know how to love someone as an equal... because I want to win... I want to be in control... .I don't trust them! I've tried to "mother" other people too and that gives me a sense of control as well as a feeling of closeness to them without any emotional risks. As the "mother", you're the font of wisdom... you have all the experience... you're the teacher and they're the student... they're the one looking up to you and not the other way around.

I think this is probably the nicest thing I've said about my BPD ex here... the rest of the time I've just been castigating him.

I was actually more scared of my emotional vulnerability than he was in a weird way. I knew that he had BPD so I was wary around him anyways... constantly trying to stay in adult state... not relying on my emotions. I knew that going into my emotions around him was dangerous so I'd never be able to stay in the inner child state for very long. Part of me didn't feel safe exposing my child state to him. I sensed that he would eventually hurt me so I would come out of that inner child state before he did... long before he would want to. He never wanted to come out of that state... he was more comfortable being a child than an adult. I felt that he was trying to relive his childhood with me... that I would be his "mother" or at least maternal figure. I think that's why he was attracted to me in the first place-because he knew that I had these maternal instincts... I think that he sensed it on a subconscious level... NOT on a conscious level by any means... I think that he needed someone to steady him... at least for a little while...

[Ironmanrises]

Question... .

Your inner child... .

Did meet her... .

Inner child... .

When you got close to her... .

And triggered... .

The devaluation to begin.

They met... .

At that instant.

At that very instant... .

As your inner child... .

Reached out to her inner child... .

Her inner child got scared... .

And ran.

That is when her other side... .

Began to emerge.

There wasnt anything further... .

That your inner child... .

Could have done.

She is wounded... .

Beyond.

Her response... .

To your inner child... .

Reaching out... .

Was a reflection... .

Of her fears... .

The wounds... .

She was inflicted with... .

In childhood.

It was not your fault Question.

You loved a traumatized person... .

That has a disorder.

That is the only crime... .

You committed.

That i committed.

That we all committed.

To your inner child brother.

My inner child understands you.

You are not alone friend.

[Lady31]

Forgiveness... .

I think we have to be careful examining what forgiveness and love is.  Also there are many types of love.  You can love & forgive a person who hurts you or is toxic to you while DECIDING not to have a romantic relationship with them.

It is okay to have unconditional love towards them and all their flaws WITHOUT letting it be a relationship that continues to hurt us.  As in - let them go.  

I am saying this because I have seen it in MYSELF - so not bashing here... .

Altruism, unconditional forgiveness is sometimes NOT what it really is at the core.  I think we can sometimes hide behind that because in reality we don't have the guts to do the right thing for ourselves and we don't want to face that.

When we "love & forgive" someone so much that it allows them to scar and abuse us then we are OBVIOUSLY not loving ourselves.  AND YOU CAN'T GIVE AWAY WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE.  So in essence, it isn't really love - it's NEED and us making excuses ("painting ourselves white" with the forgiveness/altruistic persona) when it's really because we don't/didn't have the ability to walk away.

That is what I DID.  Maybe you are, maybe you aren't.

Note: I'm only speaking of the relationships with the BPDexs and our struggle to keep letting them get away with abuse with our unconditional forgiveness (and wrong perception of what that means.)  I tortured myself with allowing mine to continue to get by with extreme abuse.  I am obviously not relating the "forgiveness" that I speak of here to your horrible experience of rape.  I can not imagine having to go through something like that.

[PhoenixRising15]

Yes, yes to all the above and thank you.

It was minutes after those intimate moments that she would immediately find some way to lash out and hurt me.  Pick on an insecurity directly and sling an arrow at it.  So painful to realize now.

I did become her father in many ways, unhealthily so, and part of it (probably all of it) was projection.  I became the father figure I always wanted, and she liked that.

Its sad to realize that was her trigger as well, because the minute I pulled away she had to re-experience his death over and over again.

I wish I could just snap her out of it.  Sometimes it was almost trancelike.  Scary stuff.  I watched her regress, and then her defense mechanisms came out.  Years of protective mechanisms to shelter her shattered ego.  And the more she pushed me away, the more I pulled back, causing her to further push, and me to try harder (sacrificing my self worth) or pull away (and suffer her wrath).

I'm so sad for her.  Our inner children could have been best of friends.  Unfortunately, we live in an adult world with adult consequences so her childish behaviors hurt.

Yet, somehow my inner child forgives.  Sees himself in her.  Wants to reach out and say "its ok"

For years, I sacrificed my inner child to my ego-ic self in many of many own defense mechanisms.  After reaching this realization through therapy, I made him a promise, to never leave him out for strangers to hurt him again.  Yet he still asks where did she go?  What did I do? Where did my friend go?  Why did she push me in the dirt and then leave?

All I'm left with is saying I'm sorry to him, and being the parent I never had, to protect him.  He is kind, innocent, gentle, loving, forgiving.  And I've got to stand up for him, because he can't do it for himself.

Curse this terrible disease.  Not her.  I do love her.  I hate to admit it.  I can't stop loving her because I saw what is underneath her defenses.  But they are so tall and strong, I can't do it. I can't fight her demons for her.  Curse this terrible terrible disease. :'(

I hold out hope for her. For us.  Not in the day to day sense, but simply, in the way I know her potential, and I love that person and I hope that person finds her way to happiness and stability and remembers me.  I'm realistic, but I've got to hold on to hope for her even in an abstract sense.  Otherwise, I'm not being true to myself.

For now, I just keep walking, one day at a time, one step at a time.

[Turkish]

Yes, yes to all the above and thank you.

It was minutes after those intimate moments that she would immediately find some way to lash out and hurt me.  Pick on an insecurity directly and sling an arrow at it.  So painful to realize now.

I did become her father in many ways, unhealthily so, and part of it (probably all of it) was projection.  I became the father figure I always wanted, and she liked that.

Weird. I never had a father. Hers "abandoned" her, beat her mom, and continues to cheat to this day, decades later. Her dad was never available emotionally for her. I used to tell her... .and been doing it for years, "I'm not your father!" during some of her rages. She would reply that she knew that. But she didn't... .at the end, after confronting her seven times when she finally admitted to the affair, she justified it by saying I had abandoned her, and it felt just like her father.

Sick and twisted.

[dontknow2]

I'm realistic, but I've got to hold on to hope for her even in an abstract sense.  Otherwise, I'm not being true to myself.

For now, I just keep walking, one day at a time, one step at a time.

I don't want to give up that last bit of hope for my xBPDh either and even the possibility, we grow a loving family together. Yet, I question all that is tied to this hope. First, I wonder if its partly my way of lessoning the pain of being alone and feeling rejected. Second, I wonder if that hope is 'too' connected to me being lovable even with my (and my parents) inner demons mirrored by/through my ex.

Knowing my psyche, I've tied significant meaning to the hope for my ex. So in some ways, I never want to give it up. Yet, my gut is saying letting go is required for what's next. I am trying to analyze my way out of this requirement.

I am with you... .one day, one step at a time regardless.

[Waifed]

Her inner child is what filled the void of your wounded inner child. That is why you felt the "love" for her that you did.  It's kind of like fairy tale love