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PhoenixRising15
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« on: October 21, 2013, 01:52:35 PM » |
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Hey everybody,
I'm sad, but detachedly sad right now.
For the past few weeks I've been reading and reading about BPD/NPD and substance abuse, trying to make sense of what happened. I can't say I understand, but I can empathize alot with where my ex was coming from. I F'ing hate it, because I'm not her abusive ex's and I'm not her dad or anyone else who hurt her. I'm just some guy who loved her and called her on her bs.
For the past few weeks, I was ruminating alot, hoping against hope that she would change and come back to me. I tried every conceivable combination in my mind, and the ultimate solution for me is simply, I can't trust the person she is right now. I don't love that person. I don't want that person in my life, in any way.
I wish I could. Unfortunately, she put the kabash on that one by repeatedly asking to get back together and cheating on me.
I read something on the soberrecovery boards, called zoso's laws for surviving a breakup with an addict. It said something to the effect of ":)ecide you're going to be ok, and from that point forward NO CONTACT."
That's been my task as of late.
I'm trying to let go of the resentment, and the bitterness, and the anger that I hold on to with her, because that is all that ties me to her anymore. I'm trying to detach with love, and it seems to be helping. I don't "feel" her so much. I used to walk around every day all day with her on my mind, and now I go minutes or tens of minutes without thinking of her.
This weekend was hard. One of my favorite things to do is listen to EDM music. We did it a ton together, and now I have a ton of terrible terrible memories around that. Her cheating on me, lying to me, emotionally, verbally, and physically abusing me, all in the context of EDM. It's such a travesty because I used to listen to it in the background all day every day. It brought me so much peace.
This weekend one of my friends brought me to an EDM show. I was very very worried about it. I told her I may have to leave. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "QF, you can do whatever you want to do, and I will not be upset with you. I want you to do what you want. This is a safe space."
I ended up staying, but there were so many triggers there. The details of her affairs kept flashing back in my mind. So painful.
I made it through though. I was continuously telling myself, "I'm creating new memories. I'm safe here." It was hard, to say the least.
I also talked to my dad and told him how I feel about my mom, and he surprisingly agreed with me that keeping away from her was a good idea.
I guess the big things to report are:
I'm becoming more de-enmeshed as I can see where my reality diverged from hers.
I'm learning to process triggers and think about them as opportunities for healing.
I'm gaining back my support system.
I hope you all are well.
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