Childhood relationships factor

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't mean to flood the boards today but I'm feeling down. My ruminating has me thinking about another issue. My uBPDexgf told me a little about her relationships with her family in childhood and one of the things she mentioned was her inability to lose. She explained that she would throw a tantrum so crazy that it got to the point that her other siblings were instructed by their mother to just let "uBPDexgf" to win. Does anyone think that this contributed to her uBPD?

[DownandOut]

I don't mean to flood the boards today but I'm feeling down. My ruminating has me thinking about another issue. My uBPDexgf told me a little about her relationships with her family in childhood and one of the things she mentioned was her inability to lose. She explained that she would throw a tantrum so crazy that it got to the point that her other siblings were instructed by their mother to just let "uBPDexgf" to win. Does anyone think that this contributed to her uBPD?

[Clearmind]

Many factors contribute DownandOut and an isolated case of invalidation would not cause it no.

Are you able to look at her actions while she was with you rather than dig back to her past. You will be assuming a lot if you try to piece together that puzzle and you will send yourself in knots.

You didn't cause her behaviour - are you trying to find valid causes of her illness because you are self-blaming?

[DownandOut]

Many factors contribute DownandOut and an isolated case of invalidation would not cause it no.

Are you able to look at her actions while she was with you rather than dig back to her past. You will be assuming a lot if you try to piece together that puzzle and you will send yourself in knots.

You didn't cause her behaviour - are you trying to find valid causes of her illness because you are self-blaming?

Yes, I guess in a way I feel like I wasn't good enough or, at the very least, didn't try hard enough when that's not 100% true and I know that. She made me feel like I was special and then told me that, although she did feel some type of love for me, it wasn't the way she felt with two other men from her past that she considered herself really in love with. That stung. Therefore, since then I've been trying to piece together whether or not she may actually have BPD, or I just wasn't the guy for her. I prefer the former, because there has to be some validation to how I felt and how she said she felt for me.

[Clearmind]

Never listen to a borderlines explanation of past relationships, take them as gospel and then hit yourself over the head for it.

You have seen enough to know that words are twisted to suit her reality.

Part of the dilemma we find ourselves in is that we are wired for connection and when mixed with such a devaluing relationship such as these it leads to self blame and shame because we rely on a disordered person to provide us with validation and worth.

If we had self worth we would not have fallen for this person to start with. We need to change our perception of who we wanted them to be. You cannot change another person.

DnO, we were attracted to this toxic relationship for a reason. Not everyone attaches to a Borderline.

Some of us had invalidating childhoods, I certainly did - we attempt as adults to redeem our ourselves from out own torment by numbing our feelings through saving another person from their fate - rescuing tendencies are exhausting and psychologically debilitating.

Find your reason why you persisted with a person who showed you no respect, trust or admiration. This is not about her. All the diving we need to do is accept they are disordered. The rest of the detaching and healing is in your own past.

Heal from your past and you would never dream of dating a borderline. Trust me I'm highly allergic now and have built the self worth lost as a child - I would never allow another person to tear me down! Never!

You will get there - Change your perception of who she is and who you wanted her to be. It was a fantasy for you both.

Take care of you.

[KHC_33]

Never listen to a borderlines explanation of past relationships, take them as gospel and then hit yourself over the head for it.

You have seen enough to know that words are twisted to suit her reality.

Part of the dilemma we find ourselves in is that we are wired for connection and when mixed with such a devaluing relationship such as these it leads to self blame and shame because we rely on a disordered person to provide us with validation and worth.

If we had self worth we would not have fallen for this person to start with. We need to change our perception of who we wanted them to be. You cannot change another person.

DnO, we were attracted to this toxic relationship for a reason. Not everyone attaches to a Borderline.

Some of us had invalidating childhoods, I certainly did - we attempt as adults to redeem our ourselves from out own torment by numbing our feelings through saving another person from their fate - rescuing tendencies are exhausting and psychologically debilitating.

Find your reason why you persisted with a person who showed you no respect, trust or admiration. This is not about her. All the diving we need to do is accept they are disordered. The rest of the detaching and healing is in your own past.

Heal from your past and you would never dream of dating a borderline. Trust me I'm highly allergic now and have built the self worth lost as a child - I would never allow another person to tear me down! Never!

You will get there - Change your perception of who she is and who you wanted her to be. It was a fantasy for you both.

Take care of you.

THANK YOU! Awesome post!