Do interventions work? What about letting friends know the truth?

[HopefulDad]

Throughout our marriage, each of our own friends have become "our" friends.  When my BPDw and I have hit rough spots, I've reached out to some of these friends (originally hers) to be there and provide emotional support for my wife.  My parents have also done the same as they have been great at not taking sides and just want us to seek the help necessary to try and mend.  But of course by being there for my wife, they get to hear my wife's distorted version of facts since they are so tied to her feelings.  Of course they could cross-check the stories with mine, but then it becomes 'he said, she said'.  Until they find out for themselves the distortion first-hand... .

Recently my father had a long phone call with my wife about our troubles, and my wife emailed *me* a long rant about what my father "said" to her.  So I took the unusual step of sharing that email with my father, with the caveat that I figured he should cross-check what she thinks he said vs. what he really said.  He was shocked that she misinterpreted their conversation so off-the-mark and negatively, then the lightbulb went off in his head:  Now he really understood what I was going through and definitely starting calling into question the 'she said' side of events he's heard before.

I'm debating letting our closest friends (including those to whom I've reached out for her) in on her diagnosis.  But I know that could open a can of worms.  While knowing she has BPD could put them in a better position to be helpful rather than enabling, it could also be damaging to all of our relationships.  Does anyone have experience with this?

Taking it one step further: Has anyone ever tried an intervention to help their pwPBD see the light and get them on a path of self-help?  My wife puts a lot of stock in what others say, even if I say the same thing and thinks I'm just being self-serving, so maybe this would help.  Any experience here, good or bad?

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[Wrongturn1]

I don’t have much time and so will have to keep this brief.  In the interest of being brief, I’ll be making some generalizations about people with BPD and just people in general in the paragraphs below:

Although I feel bad for you about the way you have likely been maligned by your wife, it’s a bad idea to tell your mutual friends about your wife’s condition.  It is likely that they will either (1) not understand what you’re trying to convey; (2) think you’re lying b/c your wife has made you out to be a bad person; or (3) think you are the one who is mentally disturbed.  Seriously, unless you have a friend who has a university degree in psychology within the past 10 years and respects you and trusts you 100%, telling the friend would not likely go over well. [On the other hand, if you have a close friend(s) that is your friend only and not your wife’s, you might think about explaining your wife’s condition to that person/people b/c there would be a significantly higher probability that they would believe/understand you and provide you with support. But this would be support focused on you and not your wife.]

Similarly, the intervention idea is not likely work pursuing because it would involve informing/convincing a lot of people about your wife’s condition, and even if you could do that, your wife would find in extremely invalidating and would hold it over your head for the next several decades – and she wouldn’t seek help b/c she would never accept she has a problem and take responsibility for it.  I’ve never heard of anyone doing an intervention for BPD, and I would be shocked to hear that one worked.

I like the way you’re thinking outside the box, however, and seeking a support network – kudos on that!

[waverider]

Trying to keep third parties in the loop will, and already is causing triangulation. Trying to convince them of your reality, just fuels this. As your wife finds out that you are "going behind her back" it will validate in her mind just how 'bad" you are (hypocritical i know, but that is the disorder).

Being caught in the middle is also a hard place for others, so they may just throw up their arms and give up all support as your wife turns on them.

It is usually best to simply not cover stuff up, learn to self validate, and if you need family/friend support lean on your own independent network making it clear you just want to be heard, not have them drawn into it in an attempt to fix it.

Third parties will exit the triangle rapidly if they find themselves caught up in it and you will head towards isolation and even bigger fears about the truth getting out and loosing even more contacts (damage control). Back to the egg shells path.

[HopefulDad]

Being caught in the middle is also a hard place for others, so they may just throw up their arms and give up all support as your wife turns on them.

Third parties will exit the triangle rapidly if they find themselves caught up in it and you will head towards isolation and even bigger fears about the truth getting out and loosing even more contacts (damage control). Back to the egg shells path.

Actually, I'm finding this to be pretty spot on.  Since my family is aware of our CBT's diagnosis, they are now more than ever struggling to find the right words to say with my wife.  There is a bit of withdrawal already.  I don't want our/her friends to do that.

[Verbena]

My pwBPD is my DD28 so I hardly ever venture away from that board onto any of the others,  but tonight I did.  Your post was the first one I clicked on and boy does it sound familiar.  I strongly recommend that you do not divulge her diagnosis to her friends or anyone really. 

I just went through months of chaos because I did just that with my DD's best friend.  It was not pretty. My DD's reaction was extreme--lies about me and the friend, accusations that I have BPD, a phone records ambush on me in my home (she's on my cell plan still), scathing e-mails,  many attempts to force me to retract what I said/thought about her behavior, and major denial by DD  that anything whatsoever is wrong with her behavior. And, her husband backed her up all the way when he knows firsthand how out-of-control she gets.   

It was a huge mess.  Don't do it.  It will hurt far more than it could ever help.  Life is peaceful with my daughter right now, but then I rarely see her and have limited phone/text communications with her.   

[Chosen]

I basically agree with everything that has already been mentioned, even though my pwBPD (husband) is not diagnosed and very high-functioning.  The fact is, if I mention anything about him to a third party that is perceived as negative to him, he will either paint that person black along with me, thinking that we're ganging up against him, if that third party sides with me, or he may paint that person white and me black.

And in any case, most people either don't believe what you say or don't have the capacity to handle it.  So unless your pwBPD wants help, no help will reach them.  And even so, it requires a professional, or at least somebody with the knowledge of BPD to get through to them, but this is the luxury most of us don't have (I mean people who are already friends who are mental professionals).

[bpbreakout]

I found this post very interesting, confidentiality on the diagnosis is a big issue. My BPDw was diagnosed as bipolar ii 7 years ago but with a new psychiatrist this year the diagnosis has morphed to include BPD. New psychiatrist has downplayed this BPD diagnosis (without backing away from it) and focused on her family background issues which is good. We have a marriage counsellor who works from same practice as BPDw's psychiatrist and marriage counsellor has also confimed the BPD diagnosis with me.

When BPDw was only diagnosed with bipolar ii, it was very difficult to confide in people when she was bad as there was always the issue of her right to keep the diagnosis confidential. If I raised it with her she always acused me of unfairly using her mental illness against her. In hindsight my "attitude" as a blanket excuse to avoid responsibility for her behaviour & at the same time leave me to blame her behaviour on the bipolar - this sounds like a very BPD thing to do (I hope that all makes sense !)

I support what people are saying about keeping the diagnosis quiet but I'm not sure it's all bad. I think in some ways if the diagnosis is downplayed it leaves less room for pwBPD to make excuses and more room for us to be open about their behaviour with other people in our lives without being subject to a guilt trip.

So feedback to hopefuldad would be don't make too much of the diagnosis. Maybe only tell your family and closest friends. You are right to be wary about telling your couples friends. However it doesn't stop you sharing a few things about your life if you need to get things off your chest. Focus on the behaviour rather than the diagnosis and let people make their own conclusions

Regarding intervention, I am hoping that BPDw's psychiatrist will recommend a DBT course (he has already mentioned this). If he does this (which I think he will) and BPDw chooses not to do it, I will be in a position to ask why this is the case.