Time for me to practise validation without judging

[Chosen]

H has a decent job, and he has been offered a renewed contract so he will be in this job for 2 more years at least, if his boss doesn't suddenly go mad and sack him.

And recently, an opening is available at his workplace, doing similar stuff as he is now, but more senior.  When this opening was available in the past, he wasn't qualified because he didn't have experience, but now he would actually be able to apply for it (there are no direct promotions at his workplace).  The deadline is today.

So far, he has done nothing at all to apply for the job.  To everybody, he should just apply, as it's free, it's the same job but pays better, he has the experience which may help, and he's already working there.  And even if he doesn't get it, he will still have the current job.  But I know that he's afraid if he doesn't make it and his colleagues know, they may think less of him.  I think he's not going to apply.

Basically, I think it's very stupid, and to the boss it may not be good as well, as it seems like he doesn't want to get ahead, or at least try.   I have tried gently persuading him, but of course it's not up to me.  It's not like we need that extra money, but then again more is always better.  Give me some tips on how to validate him even when I don't agree with his choice?  Oh and also, he claims he doesn't care how his colleagues look at him, and keeps saying that's not the reason not to apply, so I don't know how he is really feeling right now.  How to validate when there are no actual feelings to validate?

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[daylily]

It seems like it would be important to know why he's choosing not to do this?  Maybe you could throw a few feelings out there to see if he "bites" on one of them? 

He could be afraid of change of any kind. 

He could be concerned that there might be more responsibilities that he doesn't feel like he can handle.

He could be trying to avoid the rejection of applying and then not getting the job (it takes a lot for my H to apply for a job because he takes rejection so much harder than a "normal" person).  If you don't need the money, he's not forced into facing rejection, so in his mind, why do it?

It could simply be the typical BPD avoidance of making decisions for fear of making the wrong one.


He may actually be concerned about what other people will think, but he doesn't want to admit that to you.  My H always says he doesn't care what other people think, but I can tell that he really does and puts on this tough exterior.

P.S. I'm sorry my bullet points are funky.  I couldn't figure out how to fix them!   

  Daylily[/list]

[Chosen]

He could be trying to avoid the rejection of applying and then not getting the job (it takes a lot for my H to apply for a job because he takes rejection so much harder than a "normal" person).  If you don't need the money, he's not forced into facing rejection, so in his mind, why do it?

Thanks daylily.

It's like to be this reason.  He has told me something similar but then of course the next thing he does is to say "I don't care about not getting the job".  I guess it's hard for pwBPDs to admit they feel vulnerable.  And because he doesn't admit it, I can't develop on that and validate that, even though I do slip in a bit here and there, saying "I guess it would be hard". 

I will not bring up this topic unless of course he decides to talk about it again, maybe when they hired somebody for the new position.  But I really don't want this to be one of those things he just sweeps under the carpet and brings up once in a while to prove his point about how people at work don't value him/ he is in a bad job etc.